


Steady As We Burn

by Pacificwanderer (CNichole)



Series: Steady As We Burn [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Basically a character study with smut, Emphatically consentual, F/M, First Time, First time for literally everything, Focuses heavily on the interactions between Rey and Ben, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Literally all of the KOR are women and here to keep Kylo Ren Human Disaster In Line, Loss of Virginity, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Oral, Post TLJ, Vadon and Fuore are tired and really need to go on a couples retreat for dark siders, canon compliant??? as much as I can be, light exhibitionism, sharing a bed trope because I'm weak, smut often, some angst because I love drama, somewhat nonlinear but thematically connected? I'm about to circlebaaack on somethings :), star-cross'd lovers on the opposite edges of the galaxy, they don't get paid enough for this shit, this is not slow burn lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-18 17:38:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 76,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13105206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CNichole/pseuds/Pacificwanderer
Summary: Rey and Kylo Ren share a Force bond and it distracts them both as they fight on opposite ends of a galaxy-wide war. Life is strange and attraction adds a layer of complication that neither Rey nor Kylo is comfortable acknowledging. Still... Sometimes, in the sweet moments between dreams and reality, they meet as the Force tries to bridge the gap between understanding and love.





	1. To Sleep

_Before you save me_  
_Just wait your turn_  
_Look at me now_  
_Steady as we burn_  
_It was all for love_  
_Just move yourself_  
_Jumping back down_  
_Pushing out in front_

_Guided by voices  
It's you and me_

_-_ **GUNSHIP, Tech Noir**

* * *

She was sweeter when she was half-asleep. In the days and weeks that had passed since Crait, she tried to move on while he reeled with the consequences of their decisions. Both went through the motions. Mostly hiding it from those around them. Kylo was lucky that he was feared, it kept most everyone from looking too close. Rey was less fortunate in that she had so many people around her that loved and cherished her.

They could see even if they could not understand.

But sometimes, at night, when it was quiet and that steady heartbeat of the Force that ran through them both was strongest, sometimes, she was sweet. And it was in these quiet, lonely moments that Kylo Ren was something softer than Kylo Ren, but not Ben Solo either. And it was in these quiet, lonely moments that Rey and he could almost forget.

The first time he woke up in bed with her, it had shocked them both so much that it was Kylo who had somehow inadvertently severed that strange tie between them, but waking up with someone in your arms was a disconcerting thing for the touch-starved.

The second time it happened, Rey had been the one to sever the connection, all but pushing him out of her proximity and back into his own space.

The third time it happened, neither was sure of how long it all lasted. It could have been minutes, could have been hours. Alone in both of their beds, separated by the galaxy, but brought together by the Force. But this time they were both exhausted. Both lonely. Rey had been on supply runs with Chewie and was becoming more and more acquainted with the darkness and, worse, the apathy that existed throughout the star systems. Kylo had been battling Hux on very nearly everything. With Phasma still recovering, and not there to temper him, Hux was even more ruthless as Kylo knew the general felt cornered. There was a fight coming and Kylo wasn’t sure whether he had the strength, or the support, to be able to withstand Hux’s intentions.

Kylo didn’t sleep often. Couldn’t with the kind of nightmares that haunted him and she... She was wrapped so tight around him and he was terrified to move. If he moved, he’d ruin it. She’d wake up. She’d recoil. He was a monster, and she was light. Pure and purposeful and clear in her intention. He was a needless complication that didn’t deserve her. He knew that. But it didn’t stop kindred spark inside of him from reaching out—from _hoping._

“Ben,” she’d murmured before tightening her leg around his thigh. Her fingers slipped sleepily over his skin and he had to bite his lip to stifle a soft moan.

 _That_ got his attention. He was more than awake, but she was half-asleep. Caught somewhere between the Force bond and a dream. And the dream... the dream featured him. He wanted to feel smug at the realization, but it only reminded him of the finality of his decisions. He was about to pull away. He didn’t deserve this, and she’d be properly awake and realize what was going on soon enough. Better to end it himself before he could see the disappointed look in her eyes.

But she surprised him. Rey lifted her head, craning her neck to look at him. She blinked once. Twice. Then closed her eyes and tucked herself right back where she’d been.

She was always surprising him.

Rip, tear, pull apart his entire world.

She lay there, wrapped up in his body and his presence, long enough that he began to wonder whether she’d fallen back asleep. Eventually, she shifted against him again, the soft, strong points of her body brushing up against his exposed flesh. His fingers dug into the mattress—his bed? Hers? It was all he could do to keep himself from making a mess of it, to keep himself from doing something that he’d regret, even as all of his body cried out for him to hold her tight. Kiss her. _Show her_ how much she meant to him. But he was a failure. Broken and bruised and undeserving. She would be repulsed she would...

_Wait. What... did she say?_

Rey had mumbled something against his skin, distracting him enough that he’d needed to ask her to repeat the question.

“Why the hell do you sleep half-dressed?” she grumbled from somewhere underneath his chin.

“What?” he choked out. Why wasn’t she pulling away? Telling him every reason he was a failure? How she _hated_ this connection? _She’s wondering why I’m wearing... pants?_

“Look, Ben. If this is going to happen, without either of our intentions, you’re going to have to dress more comfortably. I can’t stand the scratchy feel of your pants.”

_It reminds me of the ratty, Bantha wool blanket that I scavenged on Jakku._

He didn’t think that she meant for him to know that. Or that she meant for him to see herself, small, picking at the wreckage of a Star Destroyer—looking for things that would bring her more portions. It was almost enough to distract them both from the truth of the situation, that while Kylo was mostly clothed, _Rey_ was mostly not. Though neither was particularly well-versed in the finer points of... whatever kind of relationship remained between them, the attraction had always been undeniable even if it had been sometimes uncomfortable.

 _Uncomfortable?_ Sleepily, her hand ran along the length of his back, brushing along the faint scars that the bacta hadn’t been able to banish from his body. Her touch wasn’t exactly welcome. He was as unused to being held as she was at showing intimacy. Still, even though he was uncomfortable, he wasn’t willing to pull away.

Not yet, at least.

But he was always making concessions for her. How many times would she reach out to him until she no longer did? He wondered if he’d managed to destroy any good that was between them. Fucked it all up beyond recognition with his intentions.

_...A new order in the galaxy... Join me._

What was his dream? What was _her_ dream? The Force had seemingly brought together two extremes, one light one dark, and here they were left with physical inclinations and frustrations of the heart.

 _I can’t be what you need..._ his heart and mind and soul seemed to cry.

 _What do you know of what I need?_ She seemed to answer.

And still, she held him. Half-asleep. Taking comfort in the warmth of his body and his strange proximity. They lay together, bodies tangled at so many points it was hard for Kylo to gauge where he started and she ended. But he liked it even if he wished he didn’t. Even if all it did was make an impossible situation even more complicated.

Even he couldn’t deny, with her, with Rey... There was such a peace. But it was more than that, it was so...

“...Quiet. It’s so quiet here, with you,” Kylo admitted and he could feel that she understood his meaning.

_Without Snoke inside my head._

It was a terrible sort of liberation, being free from his influence—and his guidance. He could feel that she didn’t understand, that she _couldn’t_ understand, what it had been like to be Snoke’s apprentice. Still, the remnants of Snoke’s presence haunted him and a part of him, one that craved for the simplicity that came with following orders and believing in _something,_ almost missed it.

His childhood was a lonely one and Snoke had been a source of comfort when he’d felt lost and afraid—of his power, of his heritage, of his place in the galaxy. It hadn’t always been steeped with pain. First, Snoke was so understanding. Such a source of comfort and compassion during the trying times of his youth. And Snoke had assured him that his place in the galaxy was all but ensured if only he could rise up and become the special and elite warrior he was.

And then he’d seen the holovid of that senator, Casterfo, revealing the truth of his mother's bloodline to the galaxy.  _Everyone_ had seen it. And from that point, he knew the truth that Snoke had always reaffirmed: he was special. He was Vader’s grandson. And he was a part of a legacy that was bigger than himself. And even when his reasoning would kick in—when the light side would tug at his heartstrings—the guilt of being unfair and unappreciative to his _friend_ would bring him back to Snoke. By the time the pain was a reality, Ben Solo had already made his decision to join the dark by destroying his uncle’s legacy. And it was his need for that kind of completion, the kind of hurt that cleaved his heart in two and reminded him of his place, that kept him with Snoke.

_Until her._

Strong. Fiery. A beacon in the darkness of the Force. And when he’d been confronted with the reality of Snoke’s decision to murder Rey, Kylo Ren hadn’t hesitated. Nothing in the galaxy would take her from him, nothing except...

 _Except me._ The self-hatred nearly overwhelmed him, so much so that Rey nudged her head against his chin, distracting him.

“You live too much in your head,” she mumbled, words stifled by a yawn. “Just feel, Ben. Just be.”

 _Here_ _. With me,_ she offered. _I’m too tired to be mad at you right now._

He understood that. And, because he was as much a slave to her desires as he was to the bond between them both, he let his mind settle and focus. He was almost asleep when he felt her lips brush up against the curve of his jaw, chapped and perfect. Emotion, pure and purposeful, flowed through him and Kylo thought that he’d never felt so happy before, or quite so sad.

Before the kiss was over, Kylo was back in his own bed, and almost in his own headspace and he felt the loss of her contact like a blaster bolt to the gut. But before the bond closed, before he was left truly and terribly alone, he could _feel her_ thoughts.

_I miss you, Ben._

The connection between them was severed before he could send back his answer.

_I miss you, Rey._

As his loneliness settled around him, his thoughts dwelt on her. _Always_ on her. And he wondered when the Force would bring them together again. All he could do was count the moments. And go through the motions. And wait. For those sweet moments between dreams and the Force. Where she was just Rey, and he was just _himself._

The waiting, he thought, was the hardest part.

* * *

A/N: Title and lyrics obviously taken from the epic song by GUNSHIP, Tech Noir. Honestly, I just hear Reylo everywhere. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. Come visit me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer) and scream about Reylo and Star Wars with me :)


	2. Perchance to Dream

In the endless loneliness of the nights without her, he tried to imagine that the rumbles and hums from the Finalizer were actually her disturbing his bed. It didn’t work, but it was better than the alternative—that he was alone in his cold, dark room where shadows of the past haunted him mercilessly. _Taunted him._ Reminded him of his failure to disconnect and kill the past. Worst of all, he felt incomplete without her there, even if they were only connected through that strange bond. Kylo felt as if his days were spent mitigating one disaster after the next, while his nights were spent counting—and hoping, damn that fragile hope—that she’d find him again.

She didn’t always find him in the night. Sometimes, when they were brought together, it was for mere moments. She was still upset with him and he was still stubbornly assured of his own _rightness._ At least, it was what he told himself. Days passed and, though he didn’t regret not going with her to join the Resistance, he was beginning to wonder whether there might be another option for them to consider.

Sometimes, they talked.

Sometimes, they yelled.

And sometimes, during those long, quiet hours of the night, they were together.

Kylo had obliged Rey’s request by wearing less clothing to bed than he was decidedly comfortable with on the off chance the Force would bring them together again. And he waited. Night after night. Nearly a week passed before that same, strange sensation filled the air and bridged the gap between them both. This time, he was wearing less than she, though Rey was no less wrapped around him than before. It was almost as if she made up for the absence of love and comfort in her life by taking it from him. Sometimes, it felt like she was taking too much.

Kylo wasn’t experienced in relationships, aside from some hasty kisses at his uncle’s temple, which were more experimentation than any real affection, and he’d not had much time for romance. Rey brought out the most peculiar emotions in him in her absence. He felt _more_ when she wasn’t near. He longed, he _obsessed_. But once she was connected with him, laying in his arms, he found peace. The unhealthy thoughts started to melt away and, more and more, he felt as if there was something beyond the loneliness that had linked them initially.

He felt drawn into her world. Bright colors bled into the peripheral of his vision, not quite as much as when they’d shared that moment by the fire, but enough for him to forget where he was. Though she was all he could see clearly, there was something familiar about the warmth and the hum that ran through her body. He suspected she must be sleeping in the crew quarters on the Falcon which meant it likely wasn’t the best time for their bond to connect them. Kylo wondered if their bond would strengthen if they got closer, though he lied to himself about exactly what he fantasized about that might facilitate that connection.

He was inexperienced, but he wasn’t ignorant. He knew passion, lust, the strange frustration that came with denied desires. He’d seen and heard much on his travels, even with Uncle Luke and his relic scavenging. In the outermost reaches of the galaxy, not everyone was as obsessed with propriety as the denizens of Hosnian Prime had been. It still hurt to think about how much had been lost, but he killed those thoughts almost as immediately as they surfaced. Kylo had never agreed with Snoke’s intention with the Hosnian system. The galaxy needed order, but not like that. Order through strength, but what had happened instead... Kylo clenched a fist and Rey stirred, probably in response to his dark thoughts.

_You have too much of your father’s heart, young Solo._

“Compassion makes for better leaders,” Rey murmured, and just like that, Snoke, and the Hosnian system, and the past were all banished. Just like that, she took precedence over all things. It should have frightened him, the way he subconsciously made concessions for her— _always her—_ but it just made him feel...

 _Right,_ she offered. _It’s the compassion you have for me, and the compassion I have for you..._

“Is that what we’re calling this now, ‘compassion’?” he tried to joke, eliciting a snort from Rey.

“I think it’s frustration and loneliness, mostly. Ben, surely you can see that what the First Order wants isn’t what the galaxy needs?”

The last thing he wanted was to continue  _that_ particular discussion right now. Not when she was close and things were... _nice._ He wanted her. There was a part of him that had wanted her from the very start. From that dark and dangerous moment on Takodana, when he’d been a monster, and she’d been like something out of a dream.

“The only thing I’ve ever wanted is you,” he admitted. It was stark and true and, for a moment, he wasn’t quite sure she understood. His deeds seemed to contradict his words, but when he reflected on it later, he’d realize what he said was truer than even he’d intended. His parent’s desires, Luke’s and, finally, Snoke’s—had he ever really been Ben Solo?

But she understood. She _got_ him even if she was hurting. Even if she wished things could be different. What passed between them was pure emotion, happiness, sadness, and something dangerously close to love. It nearly destroyed him. It had been so long since he’d felt anything remotely close to love and, of course, it would come from _her._ Rey's grip on him tightened as she burrowed closer. Every part of her entwined with every part of him as if that could somehow mend the fractured pieces of his psyche. Kylo wished it could. He kept waiting for it to hurt. First came the comfort, then came the pain—Snoke had made sure of that. But it never did. She was there, holding him, her hands cascading over the strange topography of a body he’d never loved, of a body he’d pushed to its limits in the pursuit of a perfection that he’d never achieve.

_Perfection doesn’t exist, Ben._

_But you exist,_ he sent back. She laughed, and the feeling rumbled through his body in a way that was not _unpleasant._ He’d never heard her laugh before, not like this. He wanted to hear it again, but there were other thoughts to distract him as well. As his body amped up and so did his anxiety but, as ever, she was there for him.

“Don’t be afraid,” she said, calming him even though he could feel the rapid beat of her heart against his chest. There was _no_ way he’d be able to hide his desire now and Rey, with a teasing smirk, pressed tight and slid her leg along his in a way that was anything but innocent.

His hand came up to grip her hip, to stop her? To prompt her for more?

“I just...,” he stammered. _I don’t want to make you uncomfortable._

 _This is new for me too,_ she admitted. Shared memories flash through his mind of her, much too young, and forced to grow up too fast. She’d been strong—a fighter. Most of the girls on Jakku hadn’t been so lucky. She’d seen too much and had an idea of what lust looked like—shared, secret moments for other scavengers that she’d inadvertently spied. There was more... but she distracted Kylo’s thoughts as her voice radiated through him.

“You’re bigger than I thought,” she reflected quietly and Kylo nearly choked. He could feel her amusement through their bond. “Height, width of your chest, length of your _legs,_ ” she clarified. “Those black clothes do a lot to disguise your size, Ben.”

“It helps me blend in,” he admitted. _If they can’t see me, I can be anywhere, be anything._

“It helps you _disappear_. I like you better without the mask... and the extra fabric.” She punctuated her words with a gentle touch while shifting closer, her leg pressing against his very evident arousal.

 _That,_ he knew, wasn’t unintentional.

“Imagine if you were here,” she teased while the movement of her body drove him half-wild with need.

“Imagine if  _you_ were here,” he growled, which only made her laugh again.

“I hope the Force knows what it’s doing because I sure as hell don’t,” she said, lips brushing along his collarbone as she pressed closer.

 _Kiss. Kiss her,_ every fiber of his being seemed to insist.

But she wouldn’t want that, would she? He could feel his face flushing with embarrassment. His ears _burned._ He didn’t know what he was doing, either. It seemed to be a running theme in this life. Always searching for direction, but never being able to find the right path, at least, not until her. But to pursue her would mean turning his back on everything he’d sacrificed to gain. _Let the past die._ He’d killed for it, too. But he didn’t feel any closer to the person he thought he was meant to be. Just lost, adrift in a sea of unknowing.

Her hand slipped from his back and caressed the expanse of his chest, stopping to trail gently over his scar. The scar _she’d_ given him. This time, Kylo couldn’t keep from purring as her touch lingered against the rough outline that marked his skin. Her touch felt like healing. He’d have withstood a thousand battles, and a thousand scars, if he’d known _this_ would be at the end of those encounters.

Her hand stopped just short of his jaw as she looked into his eyes. Curiosity was reflected there, and desire. “I don’t regret doing this,” she told him before resuming her exploration.

He barely managed to reply, “Neither do I.”

 _Your thoughts are loud,_ she nudged with her own mind.

_I... only when it comes to you._

“Liar,” she said with a knowing smile.

He was about to defend himself when she did what he’d practically been begging her to do from the moment they’d touched on Anch-To, she kissed him, her full, chapped lips pressing into his own. And he _knew_ it was her first kiss. The dark, possessive part of him wanted to be her _first_ and _last_ in every way, but the rational part of him knew better than to get too attached to a fantasy. And yet, when her lips parted and his tongue twisted sweetly with her own, it was almost enough to convince him. Rey pressed him onto his back and slid her body over his and Kylo’s mind and hands were barely able to keep up with the change in position. Kylo liked to be in control. It was a source of comfort and helped to keep his mind in check, but with Rey, he was always bending, even if she wanted more than he’d ever be able to give. And here, in this place, he was willing to let her take the lead. But when her legs straddled his waist and her core brushed up against his length—hot and soft and everything he’d dreamed about but never imagined would be real—he nearly choked.

“Rey,” he gasped as his hands came up to hold her hips, every fiber of his being screaming that he should grab, hold, _tug_ her right exactly where he wanted her to be.

But Rey was generous and, with a heated look, she _obliged_ his desires.

They moaned in unison.

_I didn’t realize..._

_That was..._

_Oh._

The bond heightened their emotions, which seemed to carry over in _unexpected_ ways.

“Can you imagine if we were actually..?” she said with a little smile before ducking her head in to pepper little kisses along his neck.

He could imagine _exactly_ what it would be like if they were together if there wasn’t a galaxy between them and if she were with him. She was such a bright and beautiful woman and his darkness would consume her. He’d known it on Crait when he’d spat those thoughtless but true words at his uncle, _I’ll destroy her._

“Ouch! What was that?” She’d _bit_ him. Part of him was shocked, yet another, darker part of him wanted her to do it _again._

“You dip into absolutes so easily. There’s darkness and light in all of us, Ben. _Balance._ If you search your feelings, you’ll know it to be true,” she murmured against his skin in a way that was completely distracting. So he _let_ her distract him from his own bitter thoughts. Just for a moment, he could be a man and she would be a woman, and everything else that was between them wouldn’t take precedence over their desire—and compassion for each other.

Kylo’s hands skimmed underneath the thin gown she was wearing and he was beyond shocked to realize she _wasn’t wearing anything else._ Kylo’s heart lurched in his chest as his fingers skimmed over the soft, supple skin along the curve of her ass. And Rey, Gods, and stars above, _purred_ at his touch. Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the galaxy, thought he was going to die from the exquisite torture of it all.

And when she begged for, _“More,”_ Kylo thought that maybe he’d go through it all again, every damned part of it, _just_ to hear that word from her lips again.

 _There could be so much more between us... or maybe so much less?_ she teased as her body slid along his.

As her breasts pressed into him, Kylo could just make out the rough, little scrapes from her nipples along his chest and _Gods_ what he wouldn’t do to feel that—skin to skin. Rey popped her head up and smirked down at him and, for a moment, he thought she was going to grant that wish... until a shrill alarm carried through the comm into his private quarters.

_Proximity alert._

Only Hux would be so bold. He’d have to talk to the techs and be _certain_ that the General wouldn’t be able to interrupt him again with such nonsense, but it was enough to take his mind away from the moment—distract him enough that the bond could blur and fade. Kylo groaned with frustration as she slipped from his arms back to her ship. He couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard her voice carry through the bond, “Next time, Ben. Give in and let _go..._ ” before closing off completely. His mind tripped over her words— _Next time—_ before he was left alone with his thoughts and desire. It was going to be a long, _hard_ night.

* * *

 

A/N: Oh, Kylo. You’re supposed to be fighting a war, or something. Not falling in love! Merry happy holiday whatever you celebrate lol or don’t. I love you all for reading, for following, for the kudos! This pairing is the best fucking present a girl could ask for and I’m so happy to share them both with you all. Any mistakes are my own awesome mistakes lol.

This chapter was in response to a prompt I received on Tumblr:

 

**Heyyy I've got a prompt after seeing your wonderful "Steady As We Burn" fic, probably because I'm bad and dirty... How about more of the bedsharing after Ben trades in his scratchy sleep pants for some briefs or something, but realizes it's a HUGE mistake when Rey cuddles up to him again and there's nothing blocking his physical reactions to her ministrations? I'm sure Rey won't mind it one bit ; > but scared and undeniably aroused Ben is such fun.**

So thanks, nonnie! If you’re so inclined, come on over to Tumblr and hang out with me [@pacificwander](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer) and shoot me a prompt!

 

Some housekeeping, lines that are not mine but belong to Larry Kasdan and Rian Johnson:

 _Search your feelings, you know it’s true._ Obvs Darth Vader callback from ESB is obvious.

 _You have too much of your father’s heart, young Solo._ From the horrific Snoke ala TLJ.

_I’ll destroy her. Ala Kylo on Crait in TLJ._

 

 


	3. Pain and Passion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for smut at the bottom. If that's not your thing, you can skip along or skip between the dialogue points * that I've listed.

Kylo shot out of his bed and onto his feet. He knew that something was wrong and unconsciously called his lightsaber into his hand, finger on the ignition. Kylo scanned his room and only the dark, durasteel walls met his gaze. He was alone, except he _knew_ in his gut something wasn’t right.

 _She’s in pain,_ he thought, grip tightening around the hilt of his saber.

 _Rey... I will destroy anyone who hurts you,_ Kylo promised, not sure if she could even hear him through their bond.

The air grew thick with tension before their connection solidified. She was wholly with him and, judging from the way her eyes scanned the room, she could see _everything._ Kylo almost relaxed, except she looked _wrong._ Rey was hunched over on the floor, barely covered in a thin gown, and bandages, she was wrapping bandages around her hands and feet. Someone or _something_ had brought her pain and he was seconds away from launching out on a warpath to bring whatever had hurt her to its end. But her voice stopped him before he could go and rain down ruination while dressed only in his bedclothes.

“Ben, is it supposed to hurt this much?” she asked while slumping forward. The wrappings dropped from her fingers, rolled on the ground for a moment, and then faded into nothing.

“What, Rey?” he asked, 'saber hot against his side as he fought to control his feelings in case she revealed that someone had made her feel this way.

“Training,” she puffed out before carefully crooking her finger at him.

 _What kind of training, Rey?_ he asked while stalking closer.

With a gesture, he sent his lightsaber back to the bed before stopping just short of where she sat. He was never sure what to do in these situations. More than technically, they were enemies, but also strangely not. And then there was the obvious attraction between them. He _wanted_ to scoop her up into his arms and deposit her on his bed where he could kiss away her pains, but he wasn’t sure if he was capable of following through with that fantasy, so he settled sitting beside her. Rey looked at him, eyebrow raised.

“What?”

“This room is terrible,” she commented before letting out a little hiss of pain. Kylo had to restrain himself from pulling Rey into his arms, instead, he tried for a joke.

“It’s better than the Stormtrooper barracks.” A smirk curled the corner of his lip before he could stop himself. Rey noticed.

“The last thing I would want would be an _audience,_ ” she drawled before reaching up to trace her finger along the corner of his lip.

 _What kind of training?_ he reminded her as she worked to distract him.

_Lightsaber. If I’m ever going to fight as well as you do, I need more practice. But it drags—in a different way than the staff. It pulls at muscles I didn’t even know I had._

“What are you training with?” he asked, curious.

Luke had managed to scrounge up some old holos, and there’d always been the Jedi texts his uncle had managed to find throughout the years, never mind the odd, Jedi-training relics. But she was alone and without a teacher, though Kylo knew she’d taken more than even he realized from his own mind. Still, knowledge and application were two different things.

“Holos, mostly. Leia found some through a friend of a friend, practicing the different forms, too, over and over, but sometimes I replay what I _felt_ from you.”

 _Back on Snoke’s ship,_ she doesn’t voice.

He often thought of that fight as well. About how it went and, more often, how it ended. How he wished things were different... and how badly he’d wanted her after it had all been said and done. They were always pushing at boundaries. Sometimes, Rey would be the one pushing him—touching, teasing, reproving; sometimes, Kylo would push back—sensibilities, strength, anger. And sometimes, when the mood was right, and the bond burned bright and strong between them, they’d _both_ push, and the resulting reaction was brilliant to behold.

It was one of _those_ occasions, and Kylo did his best to keep himself from _overreacting._ He’d wanted her for so long, and that longing grew with each passing moment. But it wasn’t right. _They_ weren’t right together. And they knew it. But, for now, they ignored that they were a part of something strange and wild and ignored that the galaxy was being torn apart by war.

The Force wanted more from them, more than they were often prepared to give, but it seemed to revel in the little ways they submitted to the desire of the bond and rewarded them by strengthening their connection. In that, at least, the Force was clear as it was strongest when they were working _together._ Getting _along._ Or when it brought them together when the other was in need—as with Rey and her pain.

“Rey, I’m going to touch you,” he started and she slowly let her head fall to the side to look at him.

“Oh?” _It took you long enough,_ she seemed to be thinking even as she held herself separate from where he sat. With a sigh, he gathered her against him, his long legs splayed around her, and the last of his reticence fell away as she melted into his big, warm body. He was still getting used to being the one who reached out—the one who initiated touching between them but, as with all things concerning Rey, it was a lot easier than he thought it would be. And, besides, he Ioved the way her bare skin felt against his own.

“I grew a lot, as a child. The growing pains were... uncomfortable. My... _mother,_ ” he choked out with obvious difficulty. “She showed me how to massage to alleviate the muscle spasms.”

Rey laughed, but it ended with a short gasp as the pain laced through her. _Somehow,_ he’d felt that as well. “Are you certain that you aren’t just thinking of reasons to touch me, Ben?”

Kylo wasn’t used to seduction, but she seemed to be teasing him, maybe he should tease her back? He let his voice drop till it was barely more than a rumble against her skin. “I’m always thinking up reasons to touch you.”

Rey’s breath hitched in her throat and he _knew_ she was struggling to find words to say. So she didn’t say anything, just inched her body closer, tight enough that every soft curve of her was aligned with every tight— _hard—_ point of him. Kylo ran his hands down along her exposed arms, knowing _exactly_ where the training would have had most of its impact.

_You need to do more weight training as well. The extra muscle will help with the lightsaber resistance._

Rey huffed. _I am... I was a scavenger. I have plenty of muscles_.

Kylo let his little smile press into the curve of her neck. _Ah, you do. But it never hurts to have more._

This time, her thoughts were plain to him and he could see himself the way _she_ saw him—tall, broad, thick with muscles and wild with his strength. She _loved_ to watch him fight. _He_ didn’t have to worry about having enough muscles. Her thoughts were loud and he couldn’t keep the little chuckle from rumbling through his body—an unused, foreign sound even to him, but she seemed to enjoy it.

“I have to exercise as well,” he said while his hands slowly and purposefully pressed into the muscles of her forearms. Rey purred with relief and he _almost_ stopped, but a dark, dangerous part of him liked the sound so much that he had to keep himself from fantasizing about bringing forth that noise from her—again, and _again._ Rey’s head lolled against his chest and she sighed as he methodically worked the tension and pain from her muscles, his strong hands pressing into the tight muscles of her back before moving downward.

“Who does this for you?” she had the presence of mind to wonder as his hands slipped down to her thighs. His hands were so big on her legs—she was strong, but still so small compared to him. He really was a monster next to Rey.

 _They’re sensitive,_ she warned, distracting him from his dark thoughts.

Kylo pressed into the meat of her thighs, fingers firm but soothing.

 _I’ll be gentle, sweetheart,_ he promised, the endearment slipping from his mind into hers before he could stop himself.

 _Sweetheart?_ she wouldn’t let it go, of course.

 _I... My parents,_ he barely offered.

Rey nudged his bicep with her nose. _I like it, but what can I call you?_

 _Anything you want._ Kylo didn’t care, just so long as she kept calling him anything at all, well, anything other than ‘ _monster_ _.’_

“I’ll have to... _ahh..._ think on it, Ben,” she confided and Kylo felt a little twinge of worry in his gut. There were so many ways that she had power over him—even her using his birth name didn’t sound strange and wrong from her lips. _Almost_ nothing sounded wrong when she said it. And that little catch of air when he’d pressed _just so_ on the inside of her thigh? _Stars,_ he was going to hear that again if it was the death of him.

Not content to let her question drop, Rey reminded him, “But you didn’t answer, is there some First Order massage droid tech the Resistance hasn’t heard of yet?” she teased, even though her words somewhat sobered them both. Still, he answered her, even as his gut twisted with the truth of how far away from his world she was.

“No one helps me. If it’s bad enough, and I can, I’ll massage myself,” he said thoughtlessly as his fingers tripped over her tight muscles. He could _feel_ as she ducked her head and smiled against the skin of his shoulder. “Is _that_ what you were doing, then, the time I found you shirtless?”

Kylo choked a little. He’d _been_ thinking of her, truthfully. And had thought to practice his ‘saber forms while trying to banish her from his mind. It hadn’t worked and, worse, the Force had practically summoned her to him as he desperately tried to keep thoughts of her from consuming him.

“I was practicing,” he murmured along the sensitive area behind her ear and Kylo took great pleasure in the way the breath caught in her throat as his lips skimmed the surface of her skin.

“Oh?” she said with a sigh as her hands coming to rest on his own spread thighs, fingers digging into his flesh as she tried to keep herself steady.

“It’s the only way I’m able to keep my mind off of you,” he admitted.

“Mmm...,” she purred distracted as his fingers dipped low, dusting the soft skin of her inner thigh. Much higher and he’d be pushing this farther than they’d ever gone before—would she want that? _He_ wanted that, but Kylo wasn’t about to lose out on the best moments he’d ever had by being impatient—at least, not again. But Rey, _Gods and Stars,_ Rey twisted her hips up and his fingers _brushed_ and he knew _immediately_ that he wasn’t the only one who was enjoying this.

“Just so that I am quite clear, that was intentional, Ben.”

_I think I enjoy it when you’re being intentional._

_Maybe it’s your turn?_ she added, her emotions fluttering right through her, into him—desire, insecurity, need, fear.

“Don’t be afraid...,” he started to say— _You’re perfect, I adore you, there’s nothing about you that I don’t want—_ but Rey reached back and pressed her palm into his full lips.

 _Don’t start something you’re not going to finish,_ she said before obscenely sliding her legs wider, urging him on wordlessly. Kylo nearly gaped like a fool. It had started innocently enough, but now he was venturing into territory that he’d never experienced firsthand.

 _Just... Tell me if there’s something you don’t like,_ he urged her.

Rey slid a hand back and gently skimmed the curve of his ear with her fingertips.  _Gods,_ what he wouldn’t do to feel _that_ again. When her nails gently trailed behind his ear, he almost whined.

 _Her. Focus on her. Focus..._ He could feel her amusement at his mantra through their bond.

_You’ll feel if there is anything I don’t like, Ben. At least, I’m quite certain you will._

*Gathering courage, Kylo slipped his fingers along the skin of her inner thigh and Rey rewarded him with a soft groan. So he kept trailing inward until his long digits slid along the seam of her sex— _Stars, had he done this to her?_

She was slick, so wet that he _couldn’t_ stop himself from wondering what it would feel like to plunge into those warm depths and draw out more of those delicious sounding noses from her throat. So he did just that. One long, hard finger slipping between her folds, teasing that sensitive place within her. This time, Rey’s groan sounded more like a moan and the sound shot right through him, and heat and desire pooled in his groin. This girl. _His scavenger._ She was going to be the death of him.

 _Higher, brush against me..._ she pleaded and Kylo let her show him _exactly_ what she wanted, minds connected by the Force and desire. He’d never done this before, but he wanted it to be something that she’d think back on. Part of him wanted her to be as obsessed with him as he was with her, consume _her_ thoughts as much as she consumed his own. When his fingers skimmed over that sensitive little bud at the apex of her thighs, the high-pitch whine she released almost made him pull his hand away—almost, except for the fact that the most exquisite wave of pleasure rolled through her and straight into him. He slid his fingers along, swirling and gently pressing until she was panting and aching for an entirely _different_ reason than before.

“Ben,” she gasped as her hand latched behind his neck, fingers threading _tight_ into his long hair.

 _Fuck,_ he wanted that little bit of pain, mixed with the pleasure. What he wouldn’t do to have it from _her._ But he tried to focus, to clear his thoughts and concentrate only on _Rey._ The strong, bright, beautiful woman in his arms, who was currently grinding so _tightly_ into his groin that he was certain he’d get off before she did.

 _“Ben... Ben... Ohh...,_ ” she gasped as her head lolled against his chest while he pushed her inexorably towards her peak. The way she said his name, he was certain he could die happy. _But maybe... just once more..._ He was greedy for the sound of her, for the _taste_ of her, for the way her body twisted into his, never content and always wanting to be closer. For now, he would take what she was willing to give. Kylo dipped his fingers along her slick entrance again before rolling them back up to that sensitive bud, but _this time_ he let every thought of her—how he saw her and _felt_ her—flow through the bond and into her.

And _Gods,_ her reaction was more than he could have imagined.

She saw herself, a beacon of light and beauty, her long legs, and strong body pressed tight against his own. Heard herself, those seductive, unintentional noises that only _he’d_ heard her make. And the smell of her—something that was innately Rey, mixed with Resistance rationed soap and the mouth-watering scent that radiated from her core.

_You have no idea how badly I want to taste you._

_Oh... Ben..._ Rey let out a low whine while her body twisted against his, her hand pulled _tight_ in his long dark hair. His fingers slipped and slid, pressing tight little circles into that sensitive bud until she was all but sobbing in his arms.

_Please, please, please..._

_One day, when we’re somewhere far away from here, but so much closer, I’m going to make you beg for your release. I’m going to watch as you come. Just. For. Me. Then, I’m going to do it again. And again._

He could feel the pleasure peaking before her telltale cries. His words had been just the little extra push that she’d needed to push her right over the edge...

 _“Ben! Oh... Ben!”_ Rey cried as the pleasure radiated from her core and Kylo couldn’t resist making good on his own desires. With an obscene swipe, Kylo slid his fingers along her soaked sex before firmly tilting her head back to look at him with his free hand. Eyes locked, Kylo slid his slick fingers into his mouth and _savored_ the taste of her.

*The air left her lungs in a rush and he could _feel_ how his touch had just made the desire between them _worse._ She lay against him for long moments, trying to regain her wits and her breath. Finally, just when he thought he was going to explode from nervousness, she quickly turned her head and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“It’s never felt like that before,” she admitted quietly and he could feel the slight embarrassment radiating out of her body.

“Before?” he managed, fighting the rising tide within him that wanted to feel _jealous._

Rey laughed, a sleepy, satisfied sound. “With myself,” she clarified.

 _Oh..._ The thoughts that invaded his mind were nearly overwhelming, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from spiraling out of control. _Gods,_ to think of her _like that._ His beautiful scavenger, alone and wanting, touching herself to thoughts of...

 _You,_ she offered wickedly. _Even when I hated you, you were always in my dreams._

Kylo knew the feeling. How many times had his own, wicked dreams of her invaded his thoughts? He hadn’t been able to sleep well in years, but with erotic visions of the scavenger who’d bested him overrunning his dreams, things had gotten even worse. The only time he slept well was when she was with him, but now that he had _real_ images to think on, he could only wonder how much more obsessed his thoughts would become.

After what they’d done together, Kylo gave in to his initial impulse to pull her into his arms, carry her to his bed, and gently kiss away her pains. Soon enough, she was snoring softly as their bond thrummed between them. He didn’t know how much longer they’d stay connected, but he hoped it would be long enough that he’d be able to find some rest as well.

Kylo gently tucked her body along his own, fitting her neatly under the crook of his jaw and along the line of his _still_ hard body. He wanted her. He’d killed and would kill for her. But it wasn’t enough. She was too much, and he was too much and together... He just couldn’t see a way for it to end without heartache.

He didn’t know if he’d ever have more than these strange moments and he intended to enjoy them as long as he could. He hoped she felt the same and, as she slept in his arms, the Force granting him this one boon, he also knew there’d come a time where even these moments wouldn’t be enough. Still, for now, he watched her sleep—peaceful, beautiful, _his—_ and when his eyes finally slipped shut, he realized how much he loved her.

And, one day, he hoped she’d feel the same.

* * *

 

**Thanks for the prompt, Nonnie!**

  **For "Steady As We Burn," one of them is exhausted after a particularly physically taxing day and the other gives them a massage. Maybe starts out innocent but changes along the way? *wiggles eyebrows***

od mother fucking damnit. The way Kylo says, “Ah, you do,” during TLJ is just the 100% sexiest thing in the fucking universe and I could die. Oh, and that _look_ he gives her right before they go to town on the Praetorian Guard? OMFG. DEAD. I have the flu or a cold or some shit I’m not sure but it sucks, so here’s so smut to make eeeeeeeeeeeeveryeone feel better *cough* *dies* Any mistakes are my own. I love you!

Not all of these are going to be explicit (and I think it’s more mature than explicit, but I’m not the best judge of those kinds of things), but the **sexy bits start at** : *“Gathering courage, Kylo slipped his fingers along the soft seam of her inner thigh and Rey rewarded him with a soft groan,” and the **story picks up again at:** “The air left her lungs in a rush and he could _feel_ how...” Ya know, in case sexual situations aren’t your thing. This is a pretty smutty chapter, so there’s probably not much character development lost here if you skip along. Just two kids who are trying to navigate being inexperienced and somewhat damaged. Tried to stay in character, but well, smut is smut.

Thanks for the reads/kudos/reviews! Ya’ll are lovely <3 If you’re so inclined, this really is _very_ prompt drive, so leave a comment with a prompt or come over and visit me [on Tumblr.](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer) Enjoy the rest of your week. I’m going to go to bed now lol.


	4. Far Off Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for kind of smut at the bottom. If that's not your thing, you can skip along or skip between the dialogue points* that I've listed.

Life in the Resistance wasn’t as easy as Rey had expected. Not that the people weren’t nice, and not that Finn, Poe, and Rose weren’t there for her, it was just... _so much._ After secretly reconvening on Bespin, Leia, and other Resistance sympathizers, had managed to scrounge together something that resembled a team and were planning their next course of action. And as much as Rey wanted to be a part of it all, she held her distance. She was an outsider in this, even after all she’d done, and for reasons she couldn’t begin to explain.

_Kylo—Ben. How much of what I’ve seen does he know?_

She wasn’t sure if she trusted him. Cared for him? Of course. Worried about him? Only every waking moment. Mad at him?

_Mad as a cheated Hutt._

Out of everyone, Leia seemed to understand that there was more going on for Rey than anyone else realized and, combined with the loss of Luke’s knowledge and any training he could have provided, Rey felt lost. Behind the smile and the easy laughter, Rey was hurting. She found it was easier to go back to old patterns of isolation than it was to admit that she needed help from her friends because what could she say?

_Hello. Yes, I’m connected to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren through a bond in the Force and at any time he could psychically connect with me and divine our position and strategy? Oh, and I think that he’s the only person in the galaxy that really understands me? And I might be falling in love with him?_

She could only imagine how that would go over.

Rose had noticed her far-away stares and offered to talk about it, mistakenly assuming that Rey was still grieving over Han and Luke. And it wasn’t that she wasn’t still sad, she was, but it was more than that. She missed Ben Solo like a phantom limb and having to hide it from her friends was getting harder by the day. And the jealous, selfish part of her was more upset about having to watch as Finn found love on his own. Some best friend she was. So she distracted herself, even as the Force complicated everything in her life. She went on scouting missions with Chewie. Made supply runs. Did whatever she could to keep her thoughts from him, but inevitably, when she was at her lowest, when she needed him the most, he’d be there. Part of her was upset that the Force had so tightly wound her fate to Ben’s, but another, more honest part of Rey reminded her that this was what she’d always wanted—belonging. She _belonged_ to Ben like no one else in the galaxy and _he_ belonged to her.

But, Gods, why did it have to be so confusing?

It came as a surprise to no one when Rey volunteered to collect some family relics for Leia from her ancestral home. Apparently, Leia had stashed some books and other articles that either could be helpful for their cause or could be sold to further fund it. So Rey and Chewie took the Falcon from where the Resistance had been holed up and made their way to Naboo.

Chewie knew the way to the Naberrie family retreat, Varykino, and Rey watched, eyes wide with wonder as Leia’s ancestral home came into view when they dropped in through the atmosphere. It was spectacular to behold. Hedged in by sharp, verdant mountains, Varykino jutted out into the lake, commanding a nearly perfect view of the crystalline waters. Rey commented that she’d never seen anything so beautiful before and Chewie shrugged, telling her that one day she should visit _his_ ancestral home on Kashyyyk, then she wouldn’t be so impressed with tiny trees and little lakes. Rey had laughed and promised that one day, she’d go visit with him.

Though, she was doing that a lot lately, promising herself that _one day_ she’d do something. How long would this struggle last? And would she even see the end of it? Rey shook her head and tried to focus on her mission—gather the relics and personal items for Leia and then get back to the Resistance.

They’d arrived late in the day, so Chewie had decided to stay with the Falcon while Rey met with the sparse serving crew. They had been notified of her presence prior to her arrival and were happy to help her find what she needed for General Organa. It took hours and, by the time they’d managed to pack all that she needed, Rey was tired and hot. Summer, it seemed, was balmy on the planet and Rey was unused to the strange humidity, amplified by the lake adjacent to the Varykino. After dinner, the serving crew retired for the evening after assuring Rey that they’d help her with moving the large crates to the Falcon in the morning after she’d gotten some rest.

Then they’d left her. Though most of the rooms in the lake retreat were covered with drapes and unaired, they’d prepared a spectacular room for Rey to stay in. In the biggest room she’d ever seen, with the most elaborately decorated bed in creation. The room made her feel _wrong._ Like she wasn’t good enough to even be in the same vicinity as such amazing creations. She was surrounded by splendor and as the many mirrors that lined the walls reflected her image in the strange surroundings, Rey felt lost. Uncomfortable, and dressed in unfamiliar sleeping clothes—a too soft, too short silken gown—she found herself wandering out onto the veranda that seemed to wrap around the beautiful home.

The Naberrie’s retreat was beautiful, though she preferred it at night. The shadows made the palatial building seem less intimidating, blurring the edges in the same darkness she often felt in her heart. Rey made her way to the edge of the veranda where the lake itself brushed up against the outline of the property. The moon was high and glittered against the dark waters like diamonds, haunting and beautiful. It just made her feel so alone, so she shouldn’t have felt surprised to feel the air thicken, that tense moment before the bond solidified in the Force and then _release_ as he joined her. Ben cleared his throat from behind her and she _knew_ he could see her clothes—or lack thereof.

“They’re not big on keeping things hidden here,” she joked without turning around. Eventually, she felt the warmth of his body seep into her own as he pressed into her back. Rey splayed her hands on the cool stone railing in front of her as Ben’s warmth seeped into her from behind. She could feel that he was wearing _much_ more clothing than she was, which was annoying because it meant she was at a disadvantage. How was she supposed to resist him when so much of her body was exposed to his touch?

But Ben always seemed to wait for her to take the lead. She didn’t know if it was one of the things he’d subconsciously picked up from her—that she was more comfortable being in control—but she also knew it was a challenge for him. Kylo Ren bent his knee to no man, but to a woman, a scavenger?

 _I’d give you the galaxy, if you but asked,_ came his thoughts, deep, dark and seductive.

 _I only ever wanted your support,_ she thought back, tartly. But that had meant supporting an organization that he fundamentally disagreed with. The Resistance were the criminals, in his mind, working towards their own end in a galaxy that seemed to thrive on war. Rey sighed and shook her head and, instead of pursuing what was to be another lengthy argument, Ben gathered her tight against him, his warm, strong arms wrapping around her middle as he tucked her underneath his chin.

_You look beautiful, drowned in moonlight._

There was no way he didn’t know where she was. Leia had mentioned that she, Han and Ben had a few spent summers at the lake when he’d still been at home and things were... _better._ But Rey considered all the times she’d inadvertently revealed her location or some detail about the Resistance. For what it was worth, Ben never seemed to be seeking out information from her. All he wanted was to be with _her_. Rey closed her eyes as the gentle sounds of the water brushing against the shore soothed her conflicted soul. No wonder Leia had come here and no wonder her ancestors had kept this home safe for so long. It was a miracle in an often dark galaxy.

Rey shifted in his arms to face Ben before hopping up on the stone railing behind her. Ben looked down at her, head cocked to the side, as his gaze trailed over her body. With a smile and a gentle tug at his clothing, Rey pulled him between her legs and wrapped herself around his broad body. She liked having all of herself wrapped around all of him. It almost eliminated the lonely memories of her childhood when she’d imagine that someone, somewhere out there in the galaxy, was thinking of her—waiting with open arms. Of course, there _had_ been someone— _Ben Solo—_ only they hadn’t met each other yet.

But the Force knew.

And as unsure and awkward as they sometimes were together, Ben always made her feel cared for, even if his delivery sometimes needed work.

_I’m better at showing my feelings._

_Than telling? You and I both, Ben._

His strong arms wrapped around her and held her tight. Where she was seated was high enough up that it brought Rey to his eye-level, and she found she liked being the same height as Ben. From her position, she could touch everywhere she wanted, even the places that were sometimes out of her reach.

 _Like the tips of your ears..._ she thought while gently trailing her fingers along the curve of his ear.

_I don’t know why you like them so much._

_They’re wonderful. They’re you. But they give you away._

_Give me away?_

_Yes, when you think of all the things you want to do to me, and when you do them, your ears flush red. It’s brilliant._

Rey leaned in and brushed her lips along the curve of his jaw before gently tugging on his earlobe with her lips.

Ben _shuddered_ against her and Rey couldn’t suppress her chuckle.

_I think someone likes my ear-worship a little more than they’re letting on._

_Stars, you have no idea..._

Rey pulled her head back and laughed. She’d not been expecting _that_ much honesty. What a man the Force had bound her to. It was getting harder and harder to keep the distance between them, especially since they were being brought together with more frequency.

 _And especially since you both can’t seem to stop touching each other,_ Rey chided herself while Ben leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before tucking Rey against his body again. She could _swear_ he was laughing at her internal monologue, so she teased him instead.

_Never pegged you for a snuggler, Ben._

_There are many things you don’t know about me, Rey._

Of that, she was absolutely certain, but he was good enough to distract her from asking more questions with his lips and his roaming, leather-bound hands. And Rey, Force forgive her, _lived_ for his reverent touch. Soon enough, Rey wasn’t just wrapped around him, she was clinging to him as he slowly teased her body. It was unfair, the way he could get into her head and just _pull out_ everything she wanted, but before she could retaliate with her own hands, he shifted her focus.

“Do you trust me?” he asked before leaving long, suckling kisses along the curve of her neck.

“I... Yes?” Rey could feel him smile against her skin.

“Not very convincing, sweetheart,” his deep voice rumbled, sending a delicious shiver right through her. Rey opened her mind and heart, feeling out through the Force and was overwhelmed by the pure emotion of what she beheld. He saw her. _All_ of her. The dark, the light, the good, the bad, the conflict, and the conviction. _That_ was who he wanted—who he cared for. Not because she was powerful, or that she would be a useful tool, he wanted _Rey_ because he’d fallen in love with all of her.

_In love with...?_

Rey pulled back and gently pressed on his chest so she could look into his eyes. Had he really meant for her to see all of that?

“Ben?” Rey didn’t know what else to say. She stared at him and, as ever, felt as if he was peering into her soul. What other secrets did he know about her, and still he wanted her?

“You must know, there isn’t another person in the galaxy that means as much to me as you.”

Sometimes, when he looked at her, his intensity scared her. Ben’s eyes would lock onto her and see right through to the blood and bone and marrow of her very being and she felt laid bare by it. There was an honesty between them that hadn’t existed for her before, not with her friends, not with any of the other scavengers on Jakku, no one.

And it terrified her. What would it be like to have the love of such a man? One whose affection burned bright with the intensity of a sun? She would know the answer if she let him love her the way he wanted to. If she shared her life with him, the way he wanted to. But there had to be a concession, wasn’t that a part of love as well? Or maybe she’d never known what it was beyond an emotion that others had manipulated—with her and with Ben—in order to get what they wanted.

“I... Ben, I’m not sure that know what love is?”

Rey had lived with the lie of her parents for so long and even Unkar had held it over her head. They’d be back, if she was just _good_ enough, worked well enough, hoped _hard_ enough... _Lies. It was all lies._ But Ben had helped her see the truth, the truth she’d denied for so long. It had made her feel free, but with that freedom came fear. With Rey free from the past, it meant had to take responsibility for the present. And presently, Rey was having a moment through a strange Force bond with someone who should have been her biggest enemy.

Ben was quiet for a long time, just content to hold her and let the gravity of her words settle around them. She had friends and people she cared for, but there was always this little part of her that she held back, even when it seemed as if she jumped into friendships with blind determination. It was easier to put herself out there physically than to make herself available emotionally. Because that fear of abandonment always lingered at the edge of her psyche— _Will they leave me? Do they care? Is this all a lie to get my help? Do they love me? Can I love? What is the truth?_

If she kept back that little piece of herself, then the hurt would be that much less, but with Ben... It was getting harder and harder to keep that piece of her heart, especially when the Force seemed to want her to lay _everything_ bare between them.

“For the longest time, I didn’t think I knew how to love,” he admitted, finally. Rey’s fingers dug into the thick fabric of his tabard, almost as if she was bracing herself for the inevitable hurt of his words, but the pain never happened.

 _You changed things for me._ His gaze trailed over her face, watching and feeling for her reaction.

 _As did you for me._ Rey blushed. He was always drawing out the truth of her feelings, pushing her beyond the boundaries she thought she had.

“I believed I’d be alone forever.”

_I knew they were never coming back, I just never wanted to break the illusion._

“I wanted to be alone forever.”

_It’s easier to let go of the past when there’s nothing left of it. Snoke convinced me compassion—love—all such emotions were a weakness to be vanquished._

Ben dipped his head and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. “When I’m with you, I feel such peace. I’ve never felt as at home as when I’m with you, wherever that may be.”

“Is that what love is? A feeling of home?” Rey asked. She’d always been curious, always asking too many questions and never getting any satisfactory answers.

_Except with Ben. He never lies to me._

Ben gently threaded a gloved hand into the loose hair at the nape of her neck, slowly massaging as he considered.

“I’m not the best one to talk to about such things,” he started. “But I can tell you that when I look at you, when I hear you, and can feel you near, I know there’s nowhere else in the galaxy I’d rather be than with you.”

_Then why does this have to be so hard?_

Everything between them was a mess and, beyond her own vision of an indeterminate future with Ben Solo, she couldn’t see the steps that she needed to take to get what she wanted. And letting herself fall further with Ben seemed like it would only end in heartache for them both.

_I’ve been told before that somethings are more important when you fight for them._

_We’re from different worlds, Ben._

_And yet, the Force brought us together. There’s more here at work than even we can comprehend._

So, that was it then? He wasn’t the only one who’d told her to trust the Force before, but how could she trust the Force when it seemed as if it was leading them both towards some sort of mutual destruction?

_Didn’t you tell me once before to just be, or do you not take your own advice?_

Rey frowned at him before tilting her head back and gently biting the tip of his nose. Ben blinked at her.

“Cruel scavenger,” he murmured, eyes focused on her pout.

“Beautiful monster,” she replied. She could feel his fingers twisting in her hair, the leather of his glove creaking as he pulled, _just_ hard enough that it enhanced the desire between them. But before he could kiss her, Rey averted her eyes and conceded, “I think a part of me has always been waiting for you, Ben. When you first found me on Takodana, I was frightened because you were terrifying, but I was terrified because I _knew you._ And it made no sense.”

Ben leaned forward and let his lips brush along the shell of her ear.

“Meeting you has been the only thing, in a very long time, that feels like it makes sense.”

 _Gods,_ she felt the truth of that statement to her very core. Ben felt like a part of her own soul that had been missing and, when he was near, it was hard to keep her wits about her. Rey skimmed her hands up and gently pulled his head towards her. No matter how many times their lips met, she was always overwhelmed by the intensity of the feeling that thrummed through them both. They were connected at so many points, it was hard to divine where he ended and she began. She liked this—craved it, even. The more they met, the stronger the bond between them grew... as did her powers, but she had more pressing matters to consider.

_Like the matter pressing between my legs..._

_Wicked... Temptation..._

*One minute Rey was sitting on the cold stone railing, and the next she was lifted against Ben’s body as he marched towards the building, but instead of taking her to the bed, as she’d expected, he pressed her tight and hard against the stone wall and held her there with his power, while his hands and lips and teeth and _body_ overwhelmed her completely.

_Where did you learn this?_

_Some of the Jedi teachings have more... interesting applications than intended by the Masters._

And Rey could only gasp while one hand cupped her sex possessively while the other teased her breasts through the thin fabric of her gown.

 _More. Show me more..._ She’d almost not realized what she thought until she felt his mouth purr against her neck.

 _Always,_ he promised. And while his power kept her suspended, and his mouth kept her distracted, Ben slipped two, gloved fingers inside of her and Rey had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from crying out and alerting the servants. The slick feel of the leather within her was overwhelming and while he knew she liked to be in control, he _also_ could feel how much she enjoyed when he was devoted to her pleasure.

Every noise, every little movement, every breath—he watched, waited, and pressed on, pushing her higher and higher as every insightful moment passed. It was almost too much, the way he made her feel and sometimes when she was alone, she wondered if it was a kind of denial based punishment for himself, to see how high he could get her without sating himself. But as Ben’s thumb slid up and over that sensitive pearl at the apex of her thigh, she only found herself thinking,  _More_ and _Please, Ben. Please._

When his fingers curled within her, stroking _just so,_ Rey forgot to breathe.

_So close. So close, Ben! Please..._

_Almost, sweetheart. Almost there,_ he coaxed. And with another wicked swipe of his thumb, a delicious wave of pleasure radiated out from her core and throughout her body, so intense that Ben had to kiss her over the frantic noises she was making. Long minutes passed and Ben switched from the Force to his arms to hold her tight against the wall. Rey groaned as his hard length came up against her own aching sex, reminding her of things unfinished.

With a gentle push, Rey disentangled herself from Ben and slid to her feet, legs wobbly, before dropping to her knees.

“Pants. Off. Now,” she directed. Ben took a deep breath, eyes locked on hers, as he slipped the fingers of his gloves into his mouth, giving one obscene suck to get the taste of her, before using his teeth to remove one glove and then the next. Gazes locked, Ben picked at the fastenings of his tunic and pulled them apart. One by one, slowly exposing that broad chest to her. Ben slid off his tunic, then the armguards, but before he moved on to his pants, he reached down and gently cupped the side of Rey’s face.

_I can’t tell you what it does to me to see you like this._

“I _can show you_ what it will do to you if you hurry up,” she growled up at him, earning her a short laugh from Ben. But Rey wanted more, and she was going to get it. Before Ben could realize her intention, Rey was reaching up and, with a wicked grin, she cupped _him_ just as possessively as he’d held _her_ before. Her eyes stayed locked on his own as she methodically pressed her hand along the length of Ben’s shaft. He was hard through the fabric of his pants and Rey soon found she wanted to do _much_ more than just touch through his clothing. Rey pouted up at him and Ben looked down at her with a curious look.

_I want to see if you’ll fit in my hand._

Ben nearly choked before scrambling to work the high-waisted pants down and over his trim hips.

Rey _purred_ as he was revealed to her, inch by inch, as the fabric peeled away from his muscular body. _Gods,_ she wanted to explore him the way he’d been able to explore her. He was so male and so much more than she’d expected. With a little victory cry from Rey, his pants fell to the floor, but just when she’d almost managed to free Ben from his incredibly inconvenient pants a knock at her door distracted them both. And _just like that_ he was gone, and she was there, kneeling, alone, and _frustrated._ Was it later than she thought—or earlier?

 _Kriff..._ she growled, hoping he could still hear her.

_Next time, sweetheart._

*Rey took deep, calming breaths and tried to compose herself before searching for something to wrap herself in. Leia needed her relics and Rey needed to get them all on the Falcon in the morning so she and Chewie could get back to the Resistance, but all she could think about was how _pissed_ she was that she and Ben been interrupted. But she was being foolish. What was any of this going to resolve? A big, fat nothing. It was only going to make things harder in the long run. The days cycled on and it was getting harder and harder to keep their bond secret. One day, someone was going to find out what was between them and how that could be utilized by both the Resistance and the First Order...

 _Maybe a little hint on how things should be going?_ Rey thought, hoping the Force would at least point her in the right direction. As ever, it was silent and only seemed to make things more complicated for her.. With a sigh, Rey went to get some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

**Thanks for the prompt, Nokkie!**

**If you are still looking for prompts, how about something from Rey's perspective where she gives into some of her dark desires or something light-hearted like a late night chat whilst she's on a resistance mission &everyone else is asleep. Don’t matter. Love your style**

**Me** : How about both?????? lol kind of?

Say it with me, kids: _inappropriate use of the Force! Wheee!_ Also, I am well aware of what Kylo’s costume looks like under the tunic/robes/etc, but I just don’t have time for suspenders, crop tops, etc., so indulge me here (this is Star Wars, not Final Fantasy, I don’t have time for excessive zippers and superfluous clothing lol). I’m having a good time with this, hence the ease with which I’m writing it (kind of? hah fast for me, anyways). This chapter turned out too damn long, but consider it my New Year’s present for you all for being so lovely.

I haven’t been to Lake Como (where some of Episode II was filmed and where the Naberrie lake retreat “exists”), but I have been all over the rest of Italy and goddamnit if Verdi wasn’t right when he said, “You may have the universe if I may have Italy.” Hands down, travel fav (even if it sometimes gets a little nutso—Napoli Centrale-hooooooooooo!).

 _Drowned in moonlight_ is my little shout out to Space Mom. God fucking damnit, I miss Carrie Fisher so much. I still can’t really talk about it. She meant a lot to me, as I know she meant a lot to everyone, but fuck it still hurts.

Kind of sexy bits start at (incase that's not your bag):

*“One minute Rey was sitting on the cold stone railing, and the next she was lifted against Ben’s body as he marched towards the building, ... and then end at: *“Rey took deep, calming breaths and tried to compose herself before searching for something to wrap herself in.”

I’m still sick (bleh) and any mistakes are my own (yay!).  Thanks for the subs/kudos/reviews! And thanks for reading. Your support and kind words mean more than you can know! Have a safe and happy New Years, everyone! If you’re so inclined, leave a comment with a prompt or come over and visit me [on Tumblr.](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer)


	5. A Light in the Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning for kind of smut at the bottom. If that's not your thing, you can skip along or skip between the dialogue points* that I've listed at the end.

She’d seen him before in a daydream. In a nightmare. Rey hadn’t connected the dots in her mind before because she hadn’t had the time to sit and consider what she’d seen—and how much she’d been through. So when she stopped to think about it, she spiraled.

And it was hard.

And it hurt.

And Rey found that she needed to excuse herself from the cockpit with a hasty wave and a barely intelligible, “Need a minute,” in Chewy’s direction. Chewy, having been friends with and around humans for _ages,_ seemed to understand the sudden bursts of emotion that humans were prone to having. Humans were _almost_ as volatile as Wookiees were known to be. Rey appreciated it, whatever the reason he was able to be so sympathetic and understanding, but there was another presence she longed for, one that was tempered by darkness and a strange, faint light.

Live had never been easy for Rey. Life was hard, life was dirty fingernails and not enough to eat, life was sadness, life was impossible and unending loneliness. Until him. _He_ felt it too. He felt the pain and the struggle and saw the woman behind the pleasant veil. And still, he came to her. Still, he sought her out. Had he always been there, in her dreams? The Force connecting them before they truly knew of each other at all?

Rey crawled into the bunk in the crew quarters and let go of the facade, crying quietly until that telltale sign of their bond hummed into existence. He was wrapped around her before she realized what was happening. Since they’d begun... all of this, they couldn’t seem to resist touching each other. That simple comfort of being in the arms of a loved one, neither had felt it for so long and Rey jealously guarded the moments in her heart, even as she knew that one day the memories would break her.

_When this is over... What will become of me?_

_This will never be over. I won’t allow it_.

_I don’t want to be alone anymore, Ben._

_You’re not alone. You’ll have me. Always._

Ben snaked his arms around her middle before tucking her tight against his body, his chin ducking to rest against the top of her head. This was her favorite way to be. He was so big and warm, but he’d always fit himself right in where she needed him, no matter how uncomfortable that might be for his huge frame.

_He loves me._

_I love you,_ he agreed.

“If I’d known you were waiting for me on the other side of the galaxy, nothing would have stood in my way.”

But there was more to existence than living for the love of another, Rey had been able to see that, still, it didn’t make the loneliness any easier to deal with. Her friends were wonderful, and they all tried their best to be there, but even they seemed to acknowledge that there was a strangeness about the Force that they’d never share, or be able to understand. It wasn't something she knew how to shut out or cut off, and there was only one other person in the galaxy who understood.

Who didn’t judge her for wondering about the darker aspects of the Force.

“Tell me why, Ben. Help me to understand,” she mumbled through sniffles. Ben shifted a little, his gloved hands worrying along the edge of her shirt before he took a deep breath and answered.

“It wasn’t intentional. Not at first. But the dark side was always there, in a way that the light wasn’t. I was _sure_ about my power, my intentions, my _abilities_ in the dark. The light, everything was in flux and I felt like I was working against my own inclinations. For a time, the light would temper my powers, but after the temple...”

_Everything changed._

Rey grabbed one of his big hands, ducking in quickly place a kiss on the back of his glove before tucking it under her chin.

“Sometimes the light doesn’t give me what I need.”

_The anger. Passion. Desire. I can’t hide these things. Luke said I should be able to resist, but I feel powerless before that temptation._

_The Force is more than what the Jedi were taught, if it wasn’t, then Darth Sidious wouldn’t have been able to take power the way he did. There needs to be..._

_Balance..._

“Something new. Something different. Rey, I still believe in what I saw. One day, you’ll stand with me.”

Rey sighed. “I know. That vision has never wavered. The only constant in my life has been _your presence._ ”

“Then why resist... all of this? If you know it’s inevitable?” He didn’t sound angry, just hurt.

“Because I know the path I am supposed to take _doesn’t_ go through the First Order. It can’t, Ben. Surely you can see what they want _isn’t_ balance. It’s some sort of chaotic order through fear.”

Ben scoffed, a little puff of air tickling at the top of her head. “And the Resistance? Your rebels fight a losing battle to regain a time when bureaucracy stagnated the Senate.”

“It’s called democracy, Ben. When you kill all of your enemies, who else is left to rule over?”

Ben was quiet for long moments, but his grip tightened around her. Rey _knew_ that he’d considered that. He lived so much inside his head that she was certain he’d considered _every_ option, which made his conclusions all the more frustrating. There were people that believed in the First Order as they’d once believed in the Empire, and there were people who believed in the Resistance as they’d once believed in the Rebellion and the Republic. Everyone thought they were right, and no one was willing to compromise while people on across the galaxy suffered for the war. And as hard as it was for her to think about, there were good people on both sides—hell, even Finn had been a part of the First Order once, maybe there were more good people like him? There had to be a change, but she didn’t know what her part in that was, only that she knew it had something to do with Ben.

_I know you understand the truth, Ben._

_And I know you understand that the way forward is together. I want this to end as much as you do, Rey. The longer we’re separated, the harder this is going to be._

And there it was. She used to think she wanted him to come over to her side and, once upon a time, it had been true, but now she just wanted _him._ His darkness tempered the light within her soul and helped her channel her own rage and frustrations. Her light helped calm him, kept him from delving too deeply into that thick, black void. Push and pull. She felt, deep in her soul, that they were meant to be a part of something _bigger._ Something more than just the light or the dark, but they still had a galaxy between them.

_It feels so right. Why would the Force bring us together if we’re meant to be apart?_

“I suppose that is for us to figure out,” he replied, lips gently brushing along the side of her brow.

 _Us._ Rey liked the sounds of that. There was a strange comfort in not having to think of herself as a sole entity in the universe anymore. Even if her dreams and memories haunted her, she still shared the prospect of a new future with Ben, and that gave her hope. As ever, Ben’s thoughts and presence was a sense of comfort to her and the mood between them started to shift.

They were young and mostly inexperienced in love, but exploring and finding that connection together was another aspect of their relationship that Rey was starting to covet. As if sensing the change, Ben’s gloved hand pulled free of her own before wandering down along the curve of her hip, that comforting touch changing into something firmer and seductive. Rey tugged a little at his hands, pulling at the leather of his gloves and Ben got the hint and pulled them off—they disappeared from sight before they hit the floor.

 _I love your hands,_ she admitted.

Ben let out a rare chuckle. “Is that right?”

“Mmm,” she purred before shifting awkwardly to face him. There wasn’t much space to maneuver in, but they made it work. Rey lay half on top of Ben, her legs tangled with his own as she thought, _You always know precisely where to touch me._

_Your thoughts are very... vivid. It’s easier knowing what to do when you make it clear in my mind._

_Maybe you could make it clear in my mind... what you would like?_ Rey hinted. So often their connection was made up of emotions and a lot of _talking._ Which she loved, but when they came together and it was physical, Ben seemed driven to make it all about her. Which was _wonderful_ , but almost felt as if he was keeping her at a distance.

 _I’d rather make you feel better,_ Ben admitted. Rey poked him through the thick fabric of his tabard. “Don’t you think I want to do the same?”

Ben chewed his lip. “You’re... precious to me. It’s the one way I can show you how much you mean to me, without fucking it all up.”

 _Oh._ He kind of broke her heart in so many ways. He was fractured, destroyed and haphazardly rebuilt in similar ways to her, and sometimes, when they were together, it felt as if the broken pieces of her heart could fit perfectly with the broken pieces of his to make something solid and whole.

This was one of those moments.

 _You mean more to me because of the mistakes you’ve made and the mistakes you’ve grown beyond. I hope I’m the same for you,_ Rey explained. The past might have made them who they were, but it didn’t have to define them forever. They could choose to move beyond it. Together.

“Let me show _you_ how much you mean to me,” she urged as her fingers slid up and gently tangled in his dark hair. She could feel the embarrassment radiating out of him at her suggestions _and_ her thoughts.

“I’ve never done this... with anyone else before,” he finally admitted and Rey could imagine how red the tips of his ears were. Almost wanted to brush his dark hair back so she could see for herself. They’d gotten close before, but something had always come along to break that connection before Rey could get her fill of him. She was _intent_ on getting what she wanted—which was Ben’s pleasure.

_You know I’m the same. Don’t be afraid, Ben._

_I’m not afraid, I just... don’t know how long I’ll last with you touching me._

Rey peeked her head up at him. He’d worried his lips with his teeth so much that they were beautiful, plump and berry-red. And the flush across his cheeks was just so _perfect_.

_You have to know that I just want to show you how I feel for you—how you show me._

****** Rey placed a gentle kiss under his chin. “You really need a change in clothing. The First Order must have something that allows for _easier_ access?” she grumbled while fumbling along with the clasps and ties of his clothing, exposing his chest before moving lower. Ben lifted his hips to allow her to peel his pants down his thighs, but they got stuck mid-thigh and Rey huffed out, “Good enough,” before her hands were on him.

She was as impatient to touch him—skin to skin—as he was for her to touch him. What she _also_ wanted to do was have a good look at him, and she kind of did while her hands explored. Things had happened so fast on Naboo, and he’d disappeared so quickly that Rey felt cheated. So she took her time exploring him while Ben squirmed beneath her. He was larger up close than she’d expected and while one hand stroked, she let the other explore that heavy sac between his legs—which she found she absolutely _loved_ touching.

The bond felt as if it was going to explode between them both. She felt how much Ben _loved_ the way her hands felt on him, almost as much as he loved touching her. Rey wasn’t really sure what to do, but she was naturally curious and not above asking questions or making comments, which seemed to drive Ben _crazy._ Rey stroked, hand gently twisting and smoothing along his length and Ben hissed.

_Stars... Rey._

“What? Was that wrong?” She _knew_ it wasn’t, but she kind of wanted to hear him say it out loud.

“Fuck. No. Keep doing _that,_ ” he begged. She liked that. _A lot._

Rey tightened her grip while she stroked, being careful to pay special attention to the _very sensitive_ area under the head of his length.

“Are most men like this?”

“Huh?” Ben replied inelegantly.

Rey gently swirled her finger across the broad head of his penis. “Like this. I can barely get my fingers around you and the _length._ Is this really supposed to go _inside...?_ ”

“ _Rey,_ ” Ben choked. “ _Please_.”

_I will answer every question you have, from now until eternity, if you keep doing what you just did to me._

_Oh..._ Rey blushed and obliged. Soon, their strange connection had her panting as well. She saw his thoughts, his feelings, the way he loved how curious she was, but more than that, how tight and perfect her little hand felt wrapped around his...

 _Ben!_ Rey gasped as his thoughts shifted, a vision of her and him and all the things _he_ wanted to do to her, pressed into the small bunk, her body covered by his while he made _sure_ she knew exactly how badly he wanted her. It took everything she had not to give into his _very_ explicit wishes.

_Just let me, Ben. Let me have this._

_Gods, Rey..._ Ben’s length grew longer and harder in her palm, engorged with his desire. Rey watched as Ben gasped when she’d stroke him— _just right—_ and marveled as blood flushed the inside of his legs as well. His pale skin was mottled with color and Rey wanted to trace those strange patterns with her tongue.

_Oh! Tongue? Why didn’t I think of this before!_

And _that_ was it. That one thought of Rey, her full lips wrapped around him, licking and sucking while he looked down on her, pushed Ben _right_ over the edge. Ben let out a sharp groan, back arching, teeth _clenching,_ as his hand came down to firmly clasp her own, slowly squeezing and pumping _every last drop_ of pleasure from his body as his spend landed unceremoniously on his muscled stomach.

Rey giggled, obviously pleased with herself while Ben looked like he wanted to disappear into the cramped bed as he panted, his hand still wrapped tight around hers.

“I didn’t realize it would... I mean, I heard it would do that and seen some holos, but seeing is different from imagining you like this.”

Ben let out a little groan and distracted Rey from her curiosity.

_What?_

_You’ve thought about me, like this?_

Rey raised an eyebrow at him before wiggling her hand free and poking his belly, which was still sticky from his release.

_Ben, if you’ve thought of all the ways you want me, what makes you think I wouldn’t think of you in the same way?_

Ben squirmed while Rey gently traced her fingers along his wet flesh before quickly dipping her finger into her mouth.

“Oh, kind of salty,” she commented mildly while Ben looked as if he was going to absolutely die.

_Rey._

“Hmm?”

“You have to stop that,” he choked, dark eyes locked on where she still sucked on her finger.

“Stop what?” she asked, before popping her finger out of her mouth and cocking her head to the side to look at him. He was flushed from his orgasm and looked so handsome to her with that gorgeous blush spreading across the expanse of his chest. His nipples were a duskier color than usual and Rey wondered what it would be like to taste them? Were his nipples as sensitive as her own?

_Rey. Your thoughts are very loud._

_And?_

_And unless you’re aiming to end up underneath me, you might want to... stop being so explicit?_

Rey scrunched her nose at him. Actually, being underneath him _didn’t_ sound like such a bad idea, but she wasn’t sure whether he needed to rest after something like that. _She_ knew that she’d keep going. _Stars,_ when he made her come, all she wanted was more and more and more.

_Rey!_

“Right, right. Let me find something to clean you up with.”

After she helped clean him up and mostly cover him, Rey pressed Ben back into the small bunk and sprawled her body over his.

 ****** “The Jedi were against attachments like this,” Ben quietly told her while his bare hands trailed an electric path over her spine.

“Seems silly,” Rey mused while tracing the path between Ben’s many moles and freckles with the tips of her fingers.

“It was meant to strengthen a Jedi’s resolve and to keep attachments from getting in the way of the path,” he explained, breath hitching whenever she slid her fingers over a sensitive patch of skin.

“I suppose they wanted the Jedi Order to be the most important thing in the world, no wonder there was a split.”

“Oh?” Ben prompted as Rey continued to explore, her lips occasionally drifting along and dusting his neck with kisses.

“It’d be easier if you didn’t know what you were giving up, but now that we have this... Ben, I don’t think I would want to live without it.”

_Even if it hurts?_

_I’d rather my life hurt with you, than have to live without you forever._

Ben wrapped his arms around her and held tight, both basking in each other’s presence. They stayed that way until they both fell asleep. Much later, Rey woke up alone, and she was certain she smelled like Ben, the blankets certainly did. And she liked that—liked his dark, masculine scent. Liked the way his body reacted when he was near her, the way his breath hitched and his throat swallowed, liked the way he’d nibble his lip... and his little groans.

_Bad. I’ve got it so damn bad._

What in the bloody stars was she going to do? There had to be a way for it to all work out, right? The Force must have known something that they didn’t and it wouldn’t keep pulling them together if it wasn’t right, would it? With a sigh, Rey cleaned herself up and did her best to mask Ben’s scent. Wookiees were known for their sense of smell and Rey was always careful to make sure she cleaned up before she’d be around Chewie, using the sonic shower or otherwise. But this time around, the shower was broken and neither Rey nor Chewie had a chance to fix it.

Rey left the crew quarters and made her way through the humming and clicks of the Falcon, casually entering the cockpit as if she hadn’t just given Ben Solo, Supreme Leader of the First Order, a hand job in the bunks of the Millennium Falcon. They were an hour outside of their destination before Chewie remarked that Ben’s hygiene had improved with age before another remark about how _dirty_ the kid would get.

_Kriffing shower! Chewie knows._

Rey blanched before mumbling an explanation that Chewie waved off. He neither cared nor was he owed an explanation. Of course, he knew. Chewie was perceptive and could _clearly_ tell that there was more going on between them when she’d insisted he fly from Ahch-To, right into enemy territory. Hell, he’d even gone along with her plan to get Ben back from Snoke. Somewhere, inside that furry, giant body, he believed in Ben Solo as much as she did. _All_ of Ben Solo.

“I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep it a secret, Chewie,” she admitted, nibbling her lip in frustration. Had she always done that? Or was it another thing she picked up from _him?_ No wonder Chewie noticed.

Chewie remarked, sagely, that it would be best to keep it quiet as not everyone would understand.

 _Not everyone knows Ben the way I do._ “I am so kriffed, Chewie.”

Chewie seemed to know that so, instead of lying to make her feel better, he said nothing. Which, actually, worked better for Rey.

“People thought Luke was crazy for going after Darth Vader, right?”

Chewie nodded in agreement before adding,  _Myself, included._

“Do you think I’m crazy for believing in him?” She had to ask and really needed to hear it.

Chewie didn’t tell her that he’d loved Ben Solo as long as he’d been alive, loved him enough to let that boy—no, man—keep Chewie from his own family in the _hope_ that he’d be able to do right by him. All he said was, _I should have been there, too._

“We can be there for him now,” Rey replied.

Chewie grunted his agreement.

_We’re here for you, Ben. And you’re here for me. One day, we’re going to figure this out._

And as Rey punched in the coordinates for the temporary Resistance base, she felt hopeful for the first time in forever. But life was unpredictable and while some incidents drive people apart, others help bind them beyond what they think is possible. Rey had no idea that she was heading towards a change, a shift for both herself and Ben Solo, something that would both break them apart and _make_ them whole.

* * *

 

 

 **Thank you for the prompt,** **BladeofSilver: Has Rey ever questioned him about his reasons for wanting to be strong with the Dark Side? Not because she wants to sway him to the Light, but just out of genuine, personal curiosity. With the way their bond works, I think Kylo would be much more inclined to answer honestly, sensing that she has no ulterior motive in asking him. If anything, a heartfelt conversation about the Force through the Force would be an interesting read—especially if you write it.**

Smut is marked at "Rey placed a gentle kiss under his chin" and ends at, “You have to stop that,” he choked, dark eyes locked on where she still sucked on her finger."

 _PENIS._ God, I always feel so silly typing that out (and euphemisms for penis lol). I am more of a “cock” girl, but this doesn’t feel like much of a cock story and dick just seems, I dunno. So here we are lol. Also, these things are meant to be around 2k, but somehow I keep failing at that. All well! More for you? God, these two kids just give me so many feels. I don’t normally get worked up over my own writing too badly (like, I can be objective about it), but sometimes the words and thoughts that come out are just like _ouch._ I feel for these kids. I have since TFA. Probably too much. SO HERE ARE ALL MY FEELS WRITTEN OUT FOR YOU. Thanks for reading lol. Any mistakes are my own and I love them lol.

Ok, shit’s about to get real next few chapters in. I’m crying thinking about it, so we’ll see if I’ll be able to finish typing it out. Personally, I’ve been through some shit in life, and the older I get, the more sadness impacts me, so take heart (this hurts me too? lol). Also, it bears repeating, I believe wholly in happy endings, even if it takes some tears to get there. As always, thanks for the comments, the kudos, the reads—thank you for it all. The response to this has been so lovely and I hope you continue to enjoy.

The “She’d seen him before in a daydream. In a nightmare” lifted from ADF’s novelization of TFA, so not my own.

 


	6. Quiet Interlude

He was on Coruscant. Hux had been rallying support for their war efforts amongst the social elite and he... Wasn’t well equipped for such endeavors. It was strange to him, now that he had a modicum of real power, to realize how attractive that power was to certain individuals. Hux had expected that Kylo would stay on the Supremacy and let him have free range of the Coruscanti nobles. He’d assumed _wrong,_ as per usual. Kylo was not above getting his hands dirty or making it clear why their support was something beyond optional, but he hadn’t anticipated the flirting. Or the whispering and furtive glances. Or the touching. With the mask, most people had given him a wide berth, but without it...

_Young Solo..._

Snoke’s words haunted him, never mind that his former master was dead by his hands, his presence still lingered. The only time he felt truly free of the past was when he was with Rey. The indecency of having to submit to a gaggle of fawning people was beginning to grate on him. The noise reverberated around the room which was filled to the brim with beautiful, glittering beings and objects; it felt like a mausoleum, dressed up only to hide the decay within. Socialites reminded Kylo of teenagers or, at least, what he’d always assumed teenagers acted like. Things were different back with his uncle, and now he had to learn social graces on the fly.

Hux seemed to revel in the attention as human and aliens alike sought his favor—and his bed. Though Kylo knew for a certainty that Hux was more interested in connections than assignations. Still, when a busty Twi’lek had pressed her barely covered breasts on his arm for the _third_ time, Kylo decided he was beyond making a good impression. Reigning in his anger, Kylo brushed her off, ignoring her moue of distress, and made his way through the semicircle that had surrounded him with their chatter and their unwanted presences.

He’d never liked Coruscant. It was too big. Too bright. Too _everything._ His cape snapped behind him and as he strode through the throngs of fake people, thoughts of his mother intruded in his mind. She was a master at navigating this kind of thing, but he... _I’d clung to her skirts and looked for excuses to leave._ Kylo gave his head a shake while his face settled into a scowl. It was too difficult to think of his mother, so he wouldn’t. And he most certainly wouldn’t think of Rey. Wouldn’t think of how they’d spent the last few times together, so wrapped up in each other that the rest of the world had passed them by. It was beginning to draw some negative attention and Kylo thought, with no small amount of irritation, that he’d have to do something about the rumors that the Supreme Leader had taken a concubine, but First Order officers weren’t the only ones who’d started to notice.

 _Rey..._ He couldn’t keep his thoughts from straying to her and the last time they’d been together. “My friends are beginning to wonder about me,” she’d casually admitted. He’d been speaking about the technique and materials needed in order to repair a lightsaber, but her words had him gaping like a fish.

_No. She’s mine. If they find out, they’ll keep her from me. Protect. Claim._

Rey had reached out and gently slid her fingers between his own.

_I can hear you. If it comes to it, I will make them understand... Somehow._

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” he’d said softly, the words spilling uneasily from his lips.

“No, but we are anyway,” she’d said as if that settled the matter. He’d not been able to convince her to see his point of view and she’d not been able to do the same for him. Inevitably, he or she would bring up _the chasm_ between them both, and it would end with hurt feelings and often tears—both hers and his.

_Why can’t this be easy?_

Rey had smiled up at him. “Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. There’s a way out of this. A balance—I know it.”

She was so sure of herself. Of _everything._ A bright light that almost made him hope. Almost made him believe. She’d kissed him. Soft, _slow,_ before settling into his body. And, soon, he wasn’t thinking much of anything at all, except...

_More._

_Just like that... Oh, Rey..._

_Please..._

He loved the way Rey felt when she was pressed up against him like she was _made_ to be at his side. He’d never believed that he’d feel peace like he did when she was with him. With her in his arms, he didn’t have nightmares, didn’t even dream, really. Why would he? When all that he wanted was already alongside him? Inevitably, he’d wake, and she’d be gone. And he’d go take his frustrating and anger out in the Finalizer’s training grounds with his Knights. He could tell that _they_ knew something was different as well. They never took orders from Snoke and their obeisance had been more out of respect for Kylo than anything else. Now that Snoke was gone, they grew restless. Surely, there was more for the Knights of Ren to do than fetch quests for Sith and Jedi relics?

With a growl, Kylo Ren shifted his thoughts as he stomped through the private residence of some Governor turned First Order sympathizer, and nearly toppled a protocol droid in his haste to get out of the ballroom. Surrounded by sycophants and excess, he was reminded of how much he hated these people. They were a part of the problem and the injustice in the galaxy, but perhaps they were a necessary evil? He didn’t know anymore. All Kylo knew was that he needed to find some peace in order to keep his mood level and so he aimlessly wandered the long, twining corridors of the massive private residence until he found himself in a starlight lit courtyard.

Kylo stepped off of the stone walkway and into the lush grounds and was shocked to feel _real grass_ give way under his feet. It had been ages since he’d seen real grass, not the synthetic imitation that seemed to be in fashion lately. Kylo’s eyes trailed over the leafy trees and fragrant flowers that lined the perimeter of the grounds. A small fountain splashed gently in the middle of the yard and Kylo thought he remembered the Governor boasting that the trees had been taken from the Coruscant Green Park before it had been destroyed. There wasn’t much left on Coruscant that was naturally beautiful anymore.

 _Not like Chandrila... Or Naboo..._ he thought before he could stop himself. Coruscant was all glowing lights, sharp, metallic angles, and artificial splendor. The courtyard would have been peaceful, beautiful even if he’d been able to separate the opulence before him from the slovenly man who’d gracelessly bowed before him. Hux said they needed the Governor. And Kylo had tolerated his conversation and bumbling adulation for as long as he could before striking out into the opulent ballroom, only to be accosted, again. It was all such a waste of time. But the First Order needed the support and the credits to succeed.

_The First Order... What do I need?_

Kylo’s wants were increasingly erratic and blurred of late, all because of Rey. No, that wasn’t entirely true. Things had changed in the days since he’d killed Han Solo and then he’d nearly lost his mother, and...

_Luke._

Kylo Ren had felt a change in the Force—a change in _himself._ The Force had always been in flux for him, it was one of the many reasons his uncle’s teachings had never resonated with him. If a Jedi was to feel peace, then why was there so much conflict within him? Snoke had known this and taken advantage of the inadequacy of the Jedi teachings, singling Ben Solo out and crafting him into the warrior, Kylo Ren.

But Snoke was gone and all that remained was the hollow shell of the empire that he’d carved out. Without strong leadership, the First Order would cannibalize its own. Kylo knew this, he also knew that his future didn’t belong with the First Order, he was _meant_ to belong to her. At least, it was what he’d thought, but things had changed and Rey seemed to belong to the Resistance as much as he belonged to the First Order. She and he were both relics of a bygone era; both feared and revered for their powers. Both straining under a legacy that neither would ever be able to fulfill. He wondered if she realized that she was just as much a tool for the Resistance as he’d been for Snoke. Once they found out about their strange connection, things would change. Her _friends_ would change.

And it would all come crashing down around them both.

Kylo sighed and clenched his fists at the thought. Soon enough, someone was going to discover their secret and Kylo let his anger roll through him as he promised himself that he’d destroy anyone who tried to keep Rey from him.

_Rey..._

His thoughts were always on her now, especially when he was lonely. The air thickened before contracting around him, but Kylo knew something was wrong even before the connection between them had fully formed. He could _feel_ it through the Force— _She’s in pain. Why is she in pain? I’ll destroy whoever hurt her._

His thoughts spiraled as the Force pulled her into his world and he into hers. She was curled into a little ball before him in the courtyard, like a wounded animal surrounded by the lush danger of an unprotected forest. They shouldn’t be doing this right now, but it wasn’t as if either of them could control it and Kylo was too far-gone with worry to give a shit about being found out. He almost tripped over his own feet in his haste to get to where Rey was curled and dropped to his knees beside her, hands and eyes probing for whatever harm had come to her. Kylo was _frantic_ and Rey was... Annoyed?

 _It’s not what it looks like,_ she assured him.

_It looks like you’re in pain. Where are you hurt? What happened?_

Kylo threaded his gloved fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck, gently pulling her head into his lap as she groaned softly.

“It’s that time of the month,” she told him, blandly.

“That time of the...? Oh. _Oh._ ” _That_ time.

“So, you really do not need to fuss over me,” she grumbled, even as her fingers sought out the edges of his cloak.

“Surely the Resistance has _something_ to help with the pain?” he asked. Though he was vaguely familiar with the ins and outs of how the human female reproductive system worked and had some second-hand experience with the things his mother had told him.

 _Never mind my Knights..._ he thought. If there were any beings that could channel rage faster into a female creature than her menstruation, Kylo Ren hadn’t seemed to have encountered it yet.

“You would think, but the pharma is being rather inconvenient and _not_ kicking in. I am not used to this.”

Kylo knew better than to ask what she meant by that, but he assumed things had been different for her on Jakku when food had been scarce. It was his experience that the less said by him, the better. Still, he wanted to help her. She was the last person in the galaxy that he wanted to be in pain.

“Can I help?” he offered.

Rey nuzzled his hand. “Hold me. And put those big hands of yours to good use,” she teased.

Kylo could feel the blush rushing to his face and ears. “What?” he choked and Rey let out a strained laugh.

“Just hold me. Take off your gloves and put your hand under my shirt, low on my abdomen. The heat and pressure would be nice right now.”

 _That_ he could do. Shifting so that he was cross-legged, Kylo slid his hand under her back and helped her sit before pulling Rey into his lap. She fell into the center of his long legs and laughed a little as she tucked her bare feet under his thigh. Kylo’s strong arms came around her and she made a little squeak of displeasure when the rough fabric of his armguards brushed along her exposed arms.

“Sorry,” he offered.

“Not in private?” she wondered. He wished he was. He knew how much she hated the fabric of his clothing against her sensitive skin and he was nothing if not a slave to her desires.

Kylo shook his head. “I abandoned a party to look for some quiet and found you instead.”

“How unfortunate for you,” she teased. “I’ve never been known for being quiet.”

Kylo pulled her tight before wiggling his hands around her front.

“Take them off?” he asked and Rey grinned up at him before tugging at the tips of his gloves, pulling them off, one by one. She looked at them for a moment before smoothing the leather over the column of her neck.

“They’re so soft, but I think that your hands feel better without them,” she said, even as she seemed to be enjoying the feel of the leather against her skin. Kylo soon found that he was having a hard time remembering what he was supposed to be doing. It didn’t take much from Rey to distract him and having her so close was overloading his senses.

“Hand low,” she reminded him and he ducked his hand under her shirt with a sheepish little smile. He had to admit, he was getting used to touching and being touched, to the point that it felt almost abnormal _not_ to have some part of him against some part of her. Her touch soothed the raw, jagged parts of his soul that had wanted for connection, calming the raging torrent inside of him. She was unique but dangerous. She clouded his thoughts and influenced his actions.

He knew Rey could feel his mood shifting and, as always, she moved to change his perceptions. She played with the loose fabric of his gloves, slipping them over her fingers with a laugh as her small hands were dwarfed by the leather.

“No wonder your lightsaber is so big,” she said while catching his gaze as a mischievous smirk curled her lips before switching to a frown and then a groan.

“More pain?” he murmured against her brow, trying to kiss away the pain as his hands pressed firmly into her abdomen. She was hot to the touch, her body radiating from her core outward. This close, he could feel her pain as well, which was unpleasant, to say the least.

“Mmm... Distract me,” she said while shifting in his lap, curling his gloves against her chest as she burrowed into him. Kylo pulled his cape around them both, the thin fabric was deceptively warm and soon they were both cocooned against the night air.

“How, sweetheart?” He could feel the contentment radiating off of her and he was pleased to realize that she seemed to need his touch as much as he needed hers.

“Where are you?” she asked and his stomach clenched as he grappled with whether he should tell her or not. He settled on the truth, but not all of it.

“A Governor’s courtyard. I wandered till I found it. Now I’m not so sure I’ll be able to find my way back to where I came from,” he admitted.

“Mmm, tragic. The great Kylo Ren, disappearing to find his lover during a party. What will the Holovids say?” she teased but not so secretly he was _very pleased_ to hear Rey call him her lover.

_Aren’t you?_

_I am... just unused to open affection without conditions._

_Ben. There are many things that I don’t know the answers to, but never doubt how I feel for you. You are deserving of love and I believe that the Force brought us together for a purpose._

_I’ve never encountered a time, during all my research and study, where the Force hasn’t managed to blow apart a little piece of the galaxy every time it exerts itself,_ came his rueful thoughts, loud and clear.

“Well, Ben Solo. I am determined to be the exception to all your studies because I’ve found, without the benefit of tutors and a formal education, that the Force is mine and, when you listen, it will guide you true. But sometimes, our head gets in the way of the heart and muddles things.”

Kylo gently rubbed his nose behind her ear, lips brushing along her sensitive skin as he replied, “Stand tall and shake the heavens, scavenger. If there’s a will in this galaxy that is strong enough to change destiny, I believe it’s yours.”

Rey purred as his words rippled through her while Kylo gently caressed her abdomen as the pain eased.

 _The Force?_ she wondered. _There’s not much of that skill in what we’ve shared._

Kylo had the decency to feel guilty that he hadn't focused on the more practical aspects of the Force. He’d always been interested in arcane knowledge and then the physical aspects of his training. He could heal, but it wasn’t his specialty. Kylo opened his mind, letting all his memories of training with healing flow through him and into her.

 _His mother..._ And how she’d gently tend to his wounds, healing with the Force without any practical training, just innate ability.

 _His uncle..._ Accelerating his own healing after he inevitably got into a row with another student over...

 _What was it?_ Rey asked as the memories flowed through her.

_I can’t remember. I think it had something to do with my calligraphy set._

_Ah..._

Memories of his beloved and rare set passed through them both and Kylo thought he felt a tug of jealousy from Rey.

_I had to scavenge tools and things to write with—to write on. Mostly ended up using charred... whatever I could find._

He was filled with an immediate and overwhelming desire to give her _everything_ she’d ever wanted. Everything she’d had to scrape and scavenge for. Kylo felt as Rey chuckled against him. Images of real paper and inky fingers, a smudged desk—her drawings.

_Leia... She helped find the supplies for me. She said that Alderaan used to encourage the arts and that it made her so happy to see my creations. I’m not used to showing people. It’s rather embarrassing._

Kylo spread his fingers from her stomach around to her back, gently soothing as he touched.

_You’re so talented. Luke would have loved to have someone with your ability..._

_Translating texts?_ she wondered.

_Making diagrams. Writing new texts. In another world, things would have been so different for someone with your skills._

Rey looked up at him with a little smile. “Maybe. Or maybe things would have always been this way.”

Kylo ducked his head and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I’d like to think that my path would always lead me to you,” he admitted.

He could _feel_ the heat flushing to his cheeks and ears, but Rey didn’t tease him, just pressed a kiss to his chest and murmured, “Maybe with less fighting on the first introduction, though?”

“Maybe,” Kylo gently brushed his lips along the shell of her ear. “I’d let myself be sent to hell and back if it meant that I’d always end up in your orbit.”

“Ben, you’re so morbid,” she said while arching her head back, wordlessly encouraging him to press his lips against her throat. Her words contrasted her feelings though. He knew she was touched by what he’d said, morbidity aside. She had friends whom she loved, but the belonging she had with him was unlike anything she’d ever experienced, he could _feel it too_.

_You are right._

_Hmm?_ he wondered while gently pulling his lips along her exposed shoulder.

_It felt like the galaxy was trying to get us together. I felt like I was being pulled towards you. No matter what I did, I think that this was always going to be the outcome._

_Even when it was dark between us?_

_Especially then. Ben, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, no matter how much I told myself that I wanted to forget you—to hate you._

Kylo sighed against her skin. _It was the same for me,_ he admitted. _I’d gone so long without someone who... understood. The connection between us... It feels ancient._

 _An extension of something that had come before,_ she added.

Kylo pulled his hand off her abdomen as he felt her pain subside before gently threading his bare hand through her hair. He _loved_ the way the strands brushed against his fingers and he could feel that she loved the gentle sensation of his touch.

 _At least now you can channel the Force to limit the pain,_ he offered.

 _Mmm. Thanks, though I think I’ll still hope for your help with this,_ Rey thought while snuggling into his chest.

“Can I hear water?” she murmured against him.

“Mmm, a fountain.”

“How fancy. I love the sound of water—and the feel of it, what else is there? This bunk is pretty bare and boring.”

He refrained from telling her that he’d take her _anywhere_ in the galaxy if she but asked, and instead told her that starlight filtered through tall trees from an open roof. That the room smelled faintly of millaflowers, except sweeter. But that, most of all, he wished she could be there to see it herself.

“Doubtful an enemy of the First Order would be welcome in a place like that, Ben,” Rey reminded him.

“A disguise would be necessary,” he teased.

“Oh, sounds like espionage. How exciting. I have always wondered what it would be like to dress like royalty...,” she trailed off, remembering that _he_ was royalty, officially.

“I prefer black,” he deadpanned.

“I am certain you’d look handsome no matter what you wore,” she murmured against his chest.

“And I’m certain you’d look beautiful, even if you wore nothing at all,” he purred while Rey shifted in his lap.

“Tease, but tell me more. Tell me what you would do with your starlit princess who wore no clothes... Distract me,” she prompted and Kylo found that he was having a hard time thinking of only _one_ thing he’d like to do.

_Breathe. It’s just Rey. Tell her how you feel... What you want._

_Tell me everything, Ben..._ Came her insistent plea.

Kylo gently nudged her head to the side before his teeth tugged at the edge of her ear. “Brat.”

But as his hand skimmed along her ribcage, _just barely_ brushing along the curves of her breasts, it was soon Rey who needed reminders on how to breathe.

 _No fair,_ she pouted through their bond, but nothing about what they had together was fair. It was always overwhelming—always too much and never enough. Glimpses, brushing lips and teasing fingers, laughter, sometimes tears. It felt as if they lived lifetimes in mere moments, and yet, it was never able to satisfy either.

Left them both wanting... _needing_ more. And it was harder and harder not to focus on reality. They couldn’t stay like this forever, and neither wanted to. How could they spend eternity in the spaces in between? But, for once, Kylo focused on the present and her desires. “Have you ever gone swimming naked?”

“Naked? I have been swimming exactly once, _clothed._ And it wasn’t a pleasant experience. You remember?” she asked as her fingers tightened in his tunic. He remembered. It was the first time she’d sought him out—needing his help and comfort. He’d treasure that memory for the rest of his life, but considering her perspective...

_What if I was there with you?_

Rey laughed. “You—swimming naked? Ben, you hardly like to take your clothes off. I am having a hard time imagining you nude in nature.”

Though she was teasing, he could feel how much she’d enjoy seeing _him_ without clothes. Though he might have preferred to cover himself up from the world, Rey was open and admiring with her affection for his body.

_For you, I could move the stars._

_Is being naked outside as challenging as moving the stars, Ben?_ she ribbed.

 _More so,_ he deadpanned.

Rey’s fingers trailed along his chest, pressing firmly into the muscles.

“I wish we were somewhere private,” Rey pouted.

“Hmm?” he wondered while his lips gently clasped the shell of her ear.

“I could get a demonstration,” she said with a purr.

_Imagine then._

Her thoughts invaded his own, pieced together by the bits and pieces of what they’d shared. He was tall in her mind, tall and _very_ broad. With her gaze, he could see how much she admired his body. How fascinating she found it, even with the scars and the myriad of freckles and moles. Though he was unsure of his physique, Rey’s gaze was always frankly adoring—and nude— _she loved_ when he was nude. She imagined an ocean, waves gently lapping against the shore, while she’d walked close enough to touch. Her hand would trail down his chest first before tripping over the tight muscles of his abdomen. Rey would smile up at him as his fingers flexed under his touch. It would spur her on as his body flexed and hardened under her exploration. Her eyes and fingertips would slide through the trail of hair low on his abdomen, leading her further. His length would pulse, as it often did when she was teasing him, and her eyes would shoot up to his as she laughed with glee before finally taking his hands and leading him to the water—warm, salty, gently pulling at their skin in an effort to lure them both into its calming depths.

Far out in the water, far enough that she would float alongside him as his tall body stood above the surface of the water, she’d wrap herself around him. All of her, tangled around all of him. The vision went black, and he was back in the courtyard. His eyes blinked, and he reached out with his mind only to receive a teasing, _Tell me what you imagine, Ben._

And, _finally_ , he obliged her.

In his eyes, she was sun-kissed and glorious. She was a bright beacon of loveliness that had hypnotized him and possessed his soul. He could _feel_ her disbelief through the bond, but it was _his_ imagination, so he continued. In the water, she was a slight but strong creature, her body against his. The buoyancy would make her almost weightless. And he wanted her. He _always_ wanted her, but Kylo also wanted to please her and sex wasn’t something he had a great deal of experience with. Or at all, really. He was afraid he’d disappoint her, even in his dreams. He could feel Rey’s reassurances through the bond. _Together. We learn together, Ben._

It had been that way from the start, what was between them had always been a shared process. A great and ancient knowing entity that had bloomed between them both. He shuddered and tried to continue while the very idea of having her overwhelmed his senses, never mind the feel of her in his lap.

He wanted it to be good for her—no, not just good, _amazing._ He wanted her ready for him. Much like the rest of his body, Kylo knew he was large and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her. He’d destroy the galaxy before he’d ever let someone knowingly hurt her, himself included. But how? He knew she liked the feel of him between her legs, with that tight body of hers sliding so sensually along his own. The full thickness of his length fitting _just perfectly_ along the seam of her sex as she pressed and ground herself into him. With the water holding most of her weight, he could do the same standing. Line himself up with her, press low on her back and hold her _hard_ against him. Slip along and press into that little point of pleasure between her legs until she was shaking. Until she _begged._ Until neither of them could stand the thought of not being joined together.

He imagined what it would feel like to be inside her. Warm? Inviting?

 _So wet, Ben..._ she supplied, and he barely suppressed a groan at the thought. What would it be like to possess her, completely? There was so much yet he wanted to experience with her, not all of it sex, but still... given the opportunity to explore...

_Rey..._

_What, Ben?_

_I need... that is. I’d like to..._

Noise interrupted his thoughts and in a moment of confusion, they were pulled apart once again. Distracted by occupants of their own individual reality.

“ _Rey!_ ”

“ _Ren._ ”

 _Foolish._ They’d both been too wrapped up in each other to hear that they weren’t alone. The connection between them faded before he could tell her... _What did I want to tell her?_ So much of what they said to each other was without words, but time was running out for them and the galaxy. Kylo barely turned his head to look at a sneering Hux over his shoulder, standing at the edge of the grass.

“This had better be good, General.”

Hux looked as if he was choking down a retort and instead answered with, “If you’re not too busy, the Governor is ready to consider our blockade proposals. Unless you’d like to sit and speak with yourself for a bit longer?” Kylo barely resisted the urge to strangle him with the Force.

“What I do with my time is none of your concern, _General,_ ” Kylo reminded him.

“Naturally, _Supreme Leader,_ ” he spat and Kylo thought, not for the first time, that he was going to have to kill Hux. Sooner, rather than later.

_But for now... How much had he heard?_

He was being foolish. It didn’t matter what his feelings were, what they had was dangerous. And, yet, he found he cared less and less. He was known for being foolish and reckless; what was he, if not a fool in love? Kylo searched the grass for his gloves, but they were gone and so was she. Kylo gave a little shake of his head. He hadn’t realized that it was possible for her to take things with her, but he was happy to let her have them. He had others, and he’d give her the galaxy if she but asked.

_You offered her the galaxy, but it wasn’t what she wanted..._

A biting reminder that stuck with him through the long negotiations that occupied the rest of his night.

_The galaxy wasn’t enough, but could you be what she needs?_

Later, when he lay in his room aboard the Finalizer, the hum of the giant ship lulling him to sleep, he thought that _maybe... One day... He could be._

And even the oppressive darkness that normally threatened to consume him couldn’t snuff out that tiny spark of hope within him.

Not this time.

* * *

Any mistakes are blissfully my own.

Stand tall and shake the heavens isn’t mine, but I’ve loved it ever since I saw it on an ad for Xenogears about a billion years ago.

Thanks again! I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have time for a review or shoot me a message over on Tumblr [@pacficwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer)


	7. Passion Beyond Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK kids, this is heading into E territory. This chapter specifically. I AM SORRY THEY HAVE MINDS AND ACTIONS AND SOULS OF THEIR OWN. I am but a conduit. Not every chapter will be what I consider E, but I’ll tag it at the top when it is, so people who aren’t interested in that kind of thing can skip, etc, because this is a little more PWP than normal.
> 
> Chapter rating: E for everybody is a winner!
> 
> A SUPER IMPORTANT ADDITION! [@glacialreylo,](https://glacialreylo.tumblr.com/) who is so lovely, enjoyed this work enough to have fanfiction created for it by the talented [@laurabarcali](https://laurabarcali.tumblr.com/) and I could just die because it's so beautiful and perfect. Thank you both! If you have time, head over and give Laura's work some love. She's so talented and[ I couldn't imagine this image of Rey](https://laurabarcali.tumblr.com/post/172096706355/rey-commission-for-glacialreylodigital-scene?is_related_post=1) looking any more perfect than it does! [The closeup is also gorgeous!](https://laurabarcali.tumblr.com/post/172096901580/rey-commission-for-glacialreylo-digital-scene) Go give her some love and thank you both!

Sometimes, the bond reacted differently between them. Sometimes, it bloomed full, bright, and wonderful connecting them nearly bodily through time and space. Other times, it was just impressions of one another—images and feelings. It was harder when it was just feelings. Rey wasn’t good with feelings, not by a long-shot. After years spent mostly alone on Jakku, expressing her emotions wasn’t something that came naturally to her. Of course, most people in the Resistance only saw the facade, her peppy smile, a willingness to help, and a quiet sort of intensity that only seemed to grow with time and extended contact with Ben.

Some days, his feelings would come shining through so clear that her breath would catch in her throat and, more than once, Finn noticed and had only stopped pestering her about the whole incident once she’d finally relented and gone to the med bay about it. To Finn’s credit, she _had_ almost soldered her fingers together, but _what_ Ben had been thinking... what he’d been _doing_ had resonated right through to her core, so strong and overwhelming that she’d barely been able to control her reaction.

Ben was touching himself. To thoughts of _her._ And while she was more than okay with what they did when they were together, she hadn’t really considered that those activities might continue even when she wasn’t present. It wasn’t as if _she_ didn’t touch herself to thoughts of him. Stars, there were times when the memories of what they did together, in that strange place between time and space, would come on strong enough to make her skin flush. Strong enough to make her body ache for him. Strong enough that now she wondered if it wasn’t _his_ own thoughts coming through to her. But Ben? When she’d touched his _hand_ for the first time, that shock of awareness and connection that had shimmered through the bond had brought tears to her eyes. It was an adjustment, getting used to thinking of him as a person with fears, needs... wants and desires. And he _wanted_ her. And sometimes, when she wasn’t connected to him, he took matters into his own hands.

Whatever was happening with the bond now, it was overwhelming, and it was happening again, but this time, she was in private. For the first time in months, she had the barracks all to herself. Rose was out on a date with Finn and Poe, and Kaydel was out on rotation. At first, she’d come back to the room, bunks bare, chrono blinking through the darkness and felt lonely, even though she’d declined Rose’s invitation to join them, but she soon realized that it was a good thing she was alone because she could _feel_ Ben Solo reaching out through the Force, his thoughts loud and clear as they combined with her own.

_Gods, the way she throws her head back when she comes._

Rey nearly choked. She couldn’t see him, but she could hear him and almost see what he was imagining. Stumbling over to her bunk as more visions of them together—Rey straddling his sex while his big hands held her hips tight as he ground into her hot body—flooded her mind.

 _Ben..._ She reached out and felt his startled answer.

_Oh. Rey._

Embarrassment flooded her—his, not hers, and she almost laughed. After all that had happened between them over the weeks that had slowly turned into months, that he could still feel embarrassed was strangely endearing to her. She felt too much for him and was too reckless where Ben Solo was concerned. She’d managed to leave him on Snoke’s ship, but the decision hadn’t come easily. She’d thought about taking his offered hand, for her vision had been _so clear_ concerning their fate _,_ but it wasn’t quite right, was it? The Ben Solo she’d seen wasn’t the one who’d been standing before her, offering her the galaxy. Rey never wanted the galaxy, only belonging. And now she belonged to the most powerful man in the galaxy and he to her, but Rey had no idea what to do with that.

 _I want you. You want me. Can’t that be enough?_ he wondered, even as she _knew_ his hand was slowly stroking his erection.

 _You know it can’t be,_ she chided as his thoughts and feelings overwhelmed her through their bond. It was strange, but it wasn’t the first time that their minds had almost seemed to blend. During the battle with Snoke’s guards, she’d felt more like they were moving together as one— _Strike. Block. Parry. Duck._ Pressing into him as he launched her off of his back and into the guards. At the end of it, it had taken every bit of her resolve _not_ to give in to his obvious desire. Rey’s thoughts had turned to her friends even as her body longed to run over and launch herself into his arms, but now, she had no such responsibilities. A little growl that could have almost been a laugh filtered through their bond.

 _You’re so good at resisting, scavenger,_ he purred the old taunt.

It shouldn’t have aroused Rey as much as it did. A shiver ran through her body as Rey imagined what it would be like to have him close, to press his lips against the shell of her ear as he murmured against her skin. Sometimes, she wondered what it would be like to give in and go to him, though the thoughts were fleeting and she felt angry with herself for even thinking them, they were happening more and more frequently. She believed in her friends, but she also believed in what the Force had shown her to be true about Ben Solo. Whatever the Force wanted from her, she knew the path she was meant to take didn’t end with a life dedicated to the Resistance and whatever New Republic that would form in its wake. Rey was destined for something beyond, but what wasn’t exactly clear to her. But for now...

 _Tell me what you want, Rey. Please,_ he begged. It was something of a thrill to have the Supreme Leader of the First Order at her knees. She’d never had much power, barely even had a name, but there was something terrible and beautiful about the way Ben made her feel. There was always so much reverence in his gaze and she didn’t know if she could live up to whatever it was he saw her as. She barely knew who she was outside of a scavenger from Jakku and had less of a clue about where she belonged in the greater galaxy. But when he looked at her, when those dark eyes fell on her, it almost made her believe that there was nothing worth worrying about beyond the promise in his eyes. That if she gave in, just a little, he’d lay the galaxy at her feet. Great and terrible her power would be as... what? Empress?

No. She knew what she wanted, even if she wasn’t sure about her place in it all, and it wasn’t to hold the galaxy in her hand. She wanted belonging—family, but never dominion over others. She’d wanted strength and gotten it in spades, and with her abilities came a queer sort of power as well, but with that power also came the responsibility to make the right choices. Because Rey knew, if she gave into the power of the dark side, there’d be no return for either her or Ben Solo. Being drawn to him like this, through the Force, was dangerous enough.

And tempting. He was so tempting. Every part of him called to every part of her. Showed her what she was in his eyes. And she loved being desired, but specifically, she loved being desired by _him._ It wasn’t naivety that led her to Snoke’s Supremacy, it was hope and her belief in Ben Solo. Chewie understood. If Darth Vader could see the light at the end of his life, surely Ben Solo could as well? She still had that hope, but he needed to act on his own. Rey couldn’t do it for him. She could love him and desire him and want the best for him, but when it came to saving Ben Solo, the only person who could do that was him. But she was there for him and hoped that he’d come to realize that there were still people in the galaxy that wanted him back, even with the darkness and the horrors of the past that weighed him down. But what she wanted, at this moment, was to give in to the feelings that had been bubbling in her body ever since the moment she’d looked into his beautiful, serious face. So confused by what she could see, but still drawn to his darkness, just the same.

And he wanted her just as badly, even as their path was twisted and confused, that connection remained. If she opened her mind, she could _feel_ his touch, but it was a strange sensation. It felt like a dream where everything feels real even though you know it isn’t. The pleasure—the despair—she could feel him so acutely it was overwhelming. But she was beginning to understand that being loved by Ben Solo meant having to come face to face with the full weight of his own inability to moderate his affections. Betrayal was unforgivable in his eyes, but once a person earned his regard and his trust, they very nearly held a piece of his heart in their hands.

_My whole heart. Body, soul, Force. I’d give it all to you, Rey._

Rey smiled as their thoughts combined. _I wouldn’t ask so much of you,_ she thought. She’d scavenged for scraps for so long that she was used to having to muddle through the bits and pieces that everyone else had rejected. And she didn’t want to be the object of his obsession; she wanted him to understand there was more worth living for than _one_ person alone. And she had hope that one day, she’d be able to make him see.

 _Tell me what I can give you, then,_ he continued.

Rey finally relented. _Share your moment with me..._

Ben _knew_ what she meant. She wanted to feel the way he felt, touch herself as _he_ touched himself. She could feel his pleasure through their bond.

 _Come with me then, sweetheart,_ he encouraged as she relaxed more fully into their bond. In their shared minds, she was as beautiful as he believed her to be. Though Rey had grown up on a planet where functional was valued over fashion, she’d always been drawn to the carefully curated clothing choices of the off-worlders. It wasn’t often that Jakku saw glamorous sights, but every so often, some dignitary would show up with a retinue of explorers intent on scavenging old Imperial relics from the abandoned wreckage on Jakku. Inevitably, they’d return, disappointed and dirty, and leave. But their arrival was always fascinating for Rey. Not everyone was as used to the rustic conditions of Jakku, so sometimes they’d trade for gear that was better suited to the rough terrain and extreme temperature fluctuations.

But their clothes. Oh, Rey would imagine what it would be like to dress like an off-worlder. She never let anyone know, never let on, only spying in secret, but the _colors_ and the _cut_ of the fabric. Her scratchy arm-wrappings, itchy pants and tunic were _nothing_ compared to the kind of splendor these wealthy creatures possessed. An image of her dressed in a silky dress bloomed between them. It was a pale pink color that would match her freckles wonderfully, with a plunging neckline that just exposed the curves of her breasts before flowing downward, beautiful and long, gently skirting the edges of her ankles as a high slit exposed the length of her leg. She could _feel_ how much he liked the idea of her in this. But she was joining him in this fantasy, wasn’t she? So when she pressed her body into her bunk, it was a grand bed with soft sheets that smelled faintly of Ben. And when she slid her fingers underneath the band of her pants and underthings, it was _his_ hand dipping low and swiping along the seam of her sex.

 _Are you wet?_ he wondered, even though she knew he could feel her own reaction to this shared dream between them both.

_So wet, Ben._

_Tell me what you need, Rey,_ he urged.

She could almost see him—hand gripping his length, chest bare and muscles tight, head thrown back as he gasped into his own touch. His body would be glistening as he raced towards his release and Rey wished she could trace the tip of her tongue along the hot curve of his neck, getting the taste of him as he groaned. Her fingers slipped frantically between her legs as she pushed herself higher while her mind was flooded with visions of _his_ desires as well. _Him._ She needed _him._ His thoughts were only of her. In that dress, but it was disheveled as she lay before him, legs splayed, cheeks flushed, exposed to his gaze as he slowly dipped his head between her legs...

 _Oh, stars. Ben..._ That. She wanted _that._ That was uncharted territory and with Ben’s full, sinful mouth, Rey could only imagine what it would feel like to have him working against that little pulse of pleasure.

 _I love the way you taste,_ he admitted, thoughts frantic as pleasurable frissons flowed through the bond. Apparently, _he_ liked the idea as well. He’d be relentless, as he was with almost everything. Never satisfied until she was boneless and sated beneath him. Big, strong hands would clasp around her hips, holding her tight even as she pressed closer to his mouth. The little hitching noises she’d make as his tongue dipped and slid along her—how her hands would fly to his thick, dark hair, pulling tight as he pressed her higher and higher. With a devilish look, he’d find and hold her gaze as his tongue flicked while his fingers slid in, curling _just_ so inside her... He’d take everything he knew about her body, everything he’d learned in the time they’d spent exploring each other, and use it to his advantage. Ben was obsessed with perfection in all things, and this would be no different. He’d be the best she’d ever have. He’d be sure of it.

 _I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life,_ his thoughts shuddered through the bond as she slid her fingers deep inside, trying to mimic the feeling his thoughts had evoked, but without him, she was lost and incomplete. It was overwhelming, the way she felt when she was with him. It wasn’t just the attraction, though that was part of it, there was more to what happened between them than just lust. It felt almost like an ache, or a longing that was only ever satisfied when they were together. But when the Force connected them through the galaxy, when Ben left her panting and sated, that connection felt reaffirmed and strengthened. It was frightening how much Rey needed him, especially given all that divided them. But she wanted him and she couldn’t deny it, even to herself. Hadn’t been able to for quite some time. And he...

 _Rey. I want you to come for me._ His thoughts floated into her mind, thick with purpose and satisfaction. Rey let out a low moan as sensation flooded her. She could feel that he was close as well and she didn’t want to do this alone.

 _Come with me,_ she purred through the bond. She imagined and shared what it would be like to have him inside her. He was big, but she was sure she could handle him—he’d make sure she was slick enough for his length. A tremor flowed through their bond and Rey knew that _he_ was wondering what it would be like to fit inside her—she’d be warm, slick, and fit him as perfectly as a glove. She liked the idea of her body, so small compared to his, pressed beneath his weight as his hips rocked into her. From beneath him, she could let her hands roam, trace the pull and flex of his abdomen as he fucked into her. Rey’s fingers rolled up, sliding frantically between her legs as she raced towards her climax. She could _feel_ through their bond how tense he was, how _close_ he was. Rey imagined what it would be like to _ever so slightly_ bite one of his nipples, that little bit of pain mixed with the pleasure of what he was doing to her.

Ben liked that. Oh, _Gods, he liked that._

Rey let herself go, completely surrendering to the pleasure of their strange, shared moment while both she and Ben came together.

* * *

By the time the bond finally solidified, Ben was asleep beside her and Rey had no desire to wake him... which was a lie, really. She coveted every moment she spent with him almost as much as he did, but she could see the dark shadows underneath his eyes that spoke of how little he slept. So she rolled into his side and pressed herself against his big, warm body and listened to the sound of his heart beating against her ear as she softly traced her finger between the moles and freckles that decorated his body.

She loved him. It hurt how much she loved him, especially since the distance kept them from _truly_ being close. Rey had to find a solution to the mess they were in. If Finn found out, she didn’t want to know how her best friend would react to a revelation about how the Supreme Leader of the First Order and she were connected. There _had_ to be a way. She’d try to meditate on it, only she wasn’t very good at that. Rey dozed, somewhere between asleep and awake, hoping that when she finally fell asleep, she’d dream of a time and a place in the future. A place where she and Ben could be together, _truly,_ and where the thrum of the Force bond between them would only accentuate their physical connection.

A girl could dream.

* * *

 

 

A/N: This chapter upped the rating on this fic lol. I’ve read M that’s sassier, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or like they’ve been tricked into this. This chapter is also only available here, so sorry for anyone on ffnet (who magically reads this). The chapters won’t all be like this, but I gotta write when inspiration hits (LIKE A SLEDGEHAMMER). Also, praise fucking be to the fandom collective agreement that Kylo would be _hella_ amazing and hella into giving Rey head. I mean, I know it’s fucking SW and for kids, but I STG, if I don’t get a fucking kiss on screen with Kylo Ren, then what the fuck is it all even for????!!!!

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have time for a review (writer fuel) or shoot me a message over on Tumblr [@pacficwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer)


	8. Well of Grief

Kylo was tired but much too tired for sleep, which left time for dangerous and dark introspection. _Kill the past..._ What a joke. He was no more able to kill his ties to the past than anyone else. Another deed he’d never been able to follow through with, in an already long list of failures. Seated on his bed and stripped to the waist, Kylo leaned back against the cold, durasteel wall as grief and regret consumed him.

His father had wanted him to be a pilot. Once, when he was very young and still interested in impressing the man, he’d believed that was what he wanted, too. He remembered the weight and feel of his father’s sabacc dice. How he’d loved to play with them when he was young while telling anyone who would listen how he was going to be a pilot one day, like his father. _The best in the galaxy._ More often than he cared to acknowledge, Kylo wondered what it would be like if the Force had never manifested in him, would he have been able to form a closer bond with his father? If he’d only been _normal,_ like his dad, would things have ended up so... wrong? Sometimes, when he dreamed, the Force would both tempt and haunt him with visions of what never was, and what might yet come to be. After each, he’d wake, heart pounding, body drenched with sweat while he wondered whether he had any control over his decisions, or if he was simply an extension of the will of the Force.

He didn’t hate his father. If he could put it to words, he now realized that he hated Snoke, but it was often easier to stick with the devil you know than to admit you were wrong and seek forgiveness. Things happened. Mistakes were made. He’d felt overlooked and unimportant, but Snoke had _always_ assured Kylo of his place in his mess of a life... until he hadn’t. It was foolish to assume that Ben Solo didn’t learn very quickly and very painfully what the truth of his relationship with Snoke would be, but it was impossible for him to see any other way. The Jedi path was steeped in misery and denial, broken pieces of a once great legacy, and the New Republic... The elected officials spent more time arguing amongst themselves about their own insular and myopic desires. It was a waste. With all the confusion in life and the galaxy, wouldn’t it be better to have a strong, clear path? Snoke offered that. But it was a sand castle, crushed in the wake of Snoke’s own ego and obsession with Skywalker.

When Han Solo told him that he was nothing to Snoke, he’d known the truth of those words. But the dark voice inside his head, combined with pain and reaffirmation from years of _training,_ had convinced him, momentarily, that the best way to deal with the past was to destroy it. But the girl—Rey. She had no past. No great lineage. No crushing expectation weighing her down. And when he looked into her eyes, Kylo saw the freedom he desired. But more than that, he saw someone who’d bothered to reach out and understand. Someone who’d changed her mind about him. But then he’d gone and kriffed it all up and now he was at a crossroads. Which way could he go when all his paths seemed fraught with grief and horror?

_I don’t want this._

It was the only thing he knew for sure, for he’d only ever wanted a piece of belonging and now, with Snoke gone, all he had was his Knights and her. Hux was more than assuredly plotting an assassination and the Resistance... He didn’t believe in that either. Every path took him back to the beginning and forced him to deal with who he really was, the person he’d long thought he’d abandoned. Which also forced him to deal with the fact that he, Ben Solo, who’d become Kylo Ren, had murdered his own father in a desperate grab for control and power.

He’d failed in that as well.

Kylo had realized too late what it was to _truly_ free yourself of the past and killing his father had done everything but free him. And later, when he’d been confronted with the reality that _his shot_ would kill his mother, he couldn’t pull the trigger. He’d always been a failure and Snoke had preyed upon his own weaknesses and insecurities. He should have known that no one wanted anything from him beyond the power that his lineage promised.

But, despite Snoke’s abuses and lies, Kylo had risen to become the most powerful man in the galaxy, taking on the mantle of a position he’d thought he wanted, but never really understood. And now, as he sat in contemplation, he couldn’t stop the pain from flowing out of his heart. There were many facets to grief. Sometimes, it cut deep and wide, bleeding out from a gaping wound that would take years to heal, if ever. Sometimes, grief was a sharp, wild thing, lashing out with a million tiny gashes that bled just slowly enough that he could almost forget the pain and move past it. But if he stopped... If he gave himself time to think and consider it... The grief was all consuming and he knew he was the only one to blame for it.

He was his parent’s greatest disappointment. A child born from a chaotic union of two wildly different people who, despite all odds, loved each other greatly. And they loved him, he knew that, but love and affection are very different creatures. His father wasn’t interested in a static existence and his mother had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders since childhood. What place did a boy have in a world like that?

Some of Kylo’s earliest memories were of a voice—a voice that spun fantastic tales and assured him of his place in the galaxy. A voice that drew out his darker inclinations and one that rallied behind every expression of the dark side. He knew he should have told his parents about the dark voice, but it was _his_ secret, like all the secrets _they_ held from him. They had their secrets, and he had his. It would be their downfall, for his parents reacted too late to the danger that Snoke had manifested in their son and Ben... Ben had chosen to believe that he was meant for something greater, grander than a Jedi or a Senator’s favored son, or even a prince.

He was meant to follow in Vader’s footsteps, wasn’t that what Snoke had assured him of? What he’d _promised him_? He’d been special to the Supreme Leader and enticed by Snoke’s love and admiration over the years through their secret connection and then, when his uncle had betrayed him, his path had become clear. He’d taken a few believers with him and when the rest had stood in their way, they’d done what was necessary to leave Luke’s temple. By the time he’d come to Snoke, it was too late to turn back, no matter what Snoke did or how much it hurt. No matter how much the Supreme Leader invaded his mind, he knew it was better than he deserved.

But Snoke’s wasn’t the only voice he heard and, as he grew, faint echoes would reach the edges of his mind. Temping him towards the light.

 _Wait... Just wait..._ The voice seemed to say. _I understand and I believe in you. I am here for you._

This voice was kind, compassionate, _understanding._ A voice that would guide him and assured him of his place in all the chaos. Even in his darkest moments, moments when Snoke had beaten him down to the point where he wasn’t sure he’d make it through the night, that voice remained. It lingered. Echoing in the strangest times when he needed it the most.

_Ben..._

And when he’d interrogated Rey, that connection had felt _so_ familiar, it had shaken him to his core. It was almost as if the Force had been pushing him to that point, all along. That their meeting was inevitable. Like a comet being pulled into the orbit of a star, circling and circling until, finally, the comet crashes and the catastrophic impact changes the star forever.

She had changed him. He wanted more now. He wanted _her._ Now, instead of that faint, shining voice inside his head, he heard _her_ calling to him. Experienced _her_ feelings. But instead of feeling intrusive, it felt as if a part of him he hadn’t realized was missing had finally been completed. He missed her and hated that they were apart. But what choices did they have when they called on opposite sides of the Force for direction?

_A balance..._

He thought he heard her through the bond, a faint echo through time and space. But not even the thought of Rey could keep him from spiraling into his grief, if anything, the fact that he couldn’t have her amplified it. Kylo Ren was destined to be alone. _Deserved_ to be alone. He’d destroyed his father, nearly destroyed his mother and, given time, he was certain he’d destroy Rey. Destruction was the only thing he excelled at. Once, he’d reveled in this fact, believing it was a step towards disconnecting from his past, but now it felt like a heavy weight around his neck, dragging him down a path he no longer understood or believed in.

_If it was all for nothing, what am I even living for?_

_Her...?_

He couldn’t live for one person. Once, he’d believed that joining Snoke would enable him to save the galaxy from itself, but the First Order was chaotic with relics of the Empire vying for power along with Hux’s new and young officers. What balance could be found when the First Order stole children from their parents and forced them into servitude?

 _Just like the Jedi..._ he thought. There was nothing to be gained by ripping families apart and, as proved by FN-2187, their loyalty was a fragile thing. Who would FN-2187 be if he’d never been forcibly taken from his family, and who would Kylo Ren be if he’d never been separated from his?

Kylo sighed and let his head fall back against the wall. He should have been thinking of ways to eliminate Hux without causing an uprising amongst the officers, or the most effective ways of controlling the galaxy, but he sat, covers of his bed scratching along his skin, as he tumbled into the past once more.

 _Don’t tell your mother..._ The echo of Han Solo’s voice taunted him through time. Reminding him of how much he’d once wanted his father’s acceptance, how he’d wanted to make him proud. As a boy, he’d sat on his father’s lap while Han had let him gently guide the Falcon as Chewie looked on, growling and grumbling about how Leia would kill them _both_ if anything happened to their son.

But Ben Solo had never felt more alive than in that moment, with his father’s strong arms holding him tight as he shifted the control yoke of the craft, gently lifting them higher and higher. His father had given him a gruff, “Nice work, kid,” before taking back control of the Falcon.

“You’re going to be one hell of a pilot if I have anything to say about it,” his father had promised him. And he was. Kylo absently wondered if Han would be proud of his skills. Even now, he loved to fly, though he had less and less time for it. Snoke’s demands had made his command shuttle necessary during his missions, but it was always a pleasure to fly his custom TIE fighter.

Flying made him feel alive. But, more than that, it made him feel normal. When he was flying, he could almost forget that he was the grandson of a Sith and the nephew of the galaxy’s hero. Forget that his family was more legend to him now than flesh and blood. Stories sewed together to make a strange whole that had never felt real to Ben Solo and even less so now that he was Kylo Ren. But when Kylo was flying, he could forget all of that and lose himself in the thrill of it. His connection to the Force felt balanced in that it took neither the dark side nor the light to pilot. It took skill, and he had that in spades. His father had made sure of it.

He wasn’t sure when the tears began to fall, but his emotions had always gotten the best of him. For his entire life, it had been nearly impossible for Ben Solo to stay in control, but when he’d taken the mantle of Kylo Ren, Snoke had encouraged that volatility. The happiness, pleasure, and joy had been nearly snuffed out, leaving anger, resentment, and entitlement in their wake. Now, the grief surfaced and threatened to pull him under. Kylo pressed away from the wall, sliding to the edge of his bed, but before he could stand, long legs slipped alongside him as _she_ pressed herself into his back while the Force bond solidified around him.

Rey wrapped herself around him, strong legs coming up to hitch over his own, arms tight around his chest as her head pressed into Kylo’s spine. He couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t look into those beautiful eyes and see the compassion there. It was too much. Her understanding was _too_ much and very undeserved.

_Forgiveness, Ben. It doesn’t mean forgetting, but it is a starting place._

_How do you forgive yourself for becoming the monster everyone believed you to be?_

Rey sighed heavily against his back.

_If you’re a monster, then so am I. Life isn’t always full of easy answers, as I’ve come to realize. But I believe in you, Ben._

Her arms tightened around him as she pressed gentle kisses on his bare back. He knew that she felt inadequate in comforting him, but the fact that she was there, that she _tried_ to understand him when everyone else in his life had given up on him meant more to Kylo than words ever could.

“I idolized my father when I was a child, did you know that?” he said softly, almost to himself. Rey hummed against his back, revealing that his mother might have said something to her along those lines.

“And I killed him.”

She didn’t have anything to say to that. His self-destructive tendencies almost wanted to make her recoil from him and reaffirm the insecurities that he believed about himself. Reaffirm the horror of what he’d done and how it had changed him. There were no words to explain how much he regretted that moment. Even as he’d convinced himself that it would help sever his emotional ties to the past, he knew killing his father was a mistake.

Snoke had goaded him into killing his father in an effort to draw Luke Skywalker out of hiding, he knew that now. It had _always_ been about Luke. Kylo’s identity and belonging were built around a great and terrible lie, one that had been used to manipulate him into doing horrible deeds, even as part of him simultaneously recoiled at the atrocities he committed. Kylo _knew_ it was wrong, all of it, and he deserved to die for his crimes. Rey’s arms tightened around him, almost as if she wanted to hug away his pain.

_Hmm. Who’s to say which among us deserves to live or die? If the Force wants you dead, you’ll be dead, Ben. But, as far as I am able to see, the Force wants you alive. I want you alive. And you were right, Ben._

“Right about what?” he mumbled as one of her arms unwrapped from his middle to trail along his skin before gently threading through his hair.

“I needed to let go of the past and accept the truth. You need to do the same. Dying is easy, Ben. Living is infinitely more challenging. Rise to the challenge and be whoever you wish to be.”

_Without Snoke._

_Or my parents._

_Or Uncle Luke._

He was free to become the man he wanted to be which, if true, opened up an entire galaxy of frightening opportunity. But she was there _for him,_ not because she was a slave to her passions, or saw him as a tool to be manipulated. She cared for him, loved him even, and wanted to help. It was a heady realization. Rey would take his hand, but he had to take the first step.

“I promised to help you,” she said while gently massaging the base of his scalp. “I meant it.”

_You don’t have to be alone anymore, Ben. Not unless you want to be._

He’d been obsessing about the wrong things for so long that he’d never noticed how there’d always been another path, one that had been obscured from his vision as he’d tried to bend the Force to his will. She’d helped him see that, but he had to help himself first. He felt that the First Order wasn’t the right path, he’d admitted as much to her before when he’d begged Rey to follow a _new_ path with him, but he’d been wrong about that as well. When destruction was paramount, there could be no peace.

With her belief and trust in the Force, maybe he could forge his own unique path? Maybe all the suffering and hate didn’t have to be for nothing. If he could learn from the crimes of the past, use that knowledge to keep from falling down the same path again, perhaps he could be more than a force for darkness? Maybe something could bloom from the ashes of his mistakes.

Before he could brood further, Rey slipped her arm back around him and held tight with her arms and legs while pulling back, tipping them both onto the small bed. Kylo pulled free from her and slipped onto his side, rolling slightly to keep from falling on her body. Twisting around, Kylo stared down at her, while she reached up to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“You’re not alone,” she assured him with a smile. _Not anymore._

“Neither are you,” he replied, voice choked. _Never again._

Rey slipped her hands behind his neck before tugging him down on top of her. With his head pillowed on her chest, he wrapped his long arms around her middle. Kylo closed his eyes and, not for the first time, wished he’d known she was waiting for him, somewhere out there in time and space. Things would have been different, had he known, _he_ would have been different. Rey made him realize that it was never too late to step in the right direction. As hard as life had been for her, it hadn’t made _her_ hard. She still believed in him. All that was left was for Ben Solo to believe in himself once more.

* * *

 

 

A/N- Alternate title for this chapter: WE WERE RIGHT ABOUT BEN SOLO, also subtitled, exercises in making Pacificwanderer VERY sad. IT’S CANON. IT’S ALL FUCKING CANON. We’ve taken a LOT OF SHIT concerning Kylo Ren and his backstory, but GODDAMNIT. IT’S ALL CANON. WE WERE RIGHT AND I COULD CRY AND DIE because it breaks my fucking heart how much he was set up to fail. If anyone out there doesn’t see how integral themes of redemption are for Star Wars, I’d invite you to go watch Rebels, because it is _clearly at work_ on that show. This isn’t real life and isn’t meant to be. Star Wars is a space OPERA, which means a lot of drama and exaggeration. But you guys know that, if you’re reading a Reylo fic, so I’m pontificating to the choir haha.

“You’re not alone,” and “Neither are you,” is from TLJ, only in reverse because THAT IS FUN.

And kudos to Savingstuff for their prompt: “Dunno if you still want prompts, but- Ben has been great about comforting Rey- maybe he needs to break down and cry a little so she can be there for him,” you were directly on the pulse of what was to come next. Also, TLJ Novelization was way better than TFA Novelization and it broke my heart into a million pieces and filled me with such hope. This is a lot of me being very overly emotional about two space characters lol, so thanks for coming along with me. Thanks for reading and, as always, any mistakes are my own, my precious.

* * *

 

Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thank you for all the kudos (WOW almost 500!) and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).

 


	9. Birthday Misgivings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit E on this one. If you wanna skip the sexy bits, skip between **** and ****

It had been nearly a week since he’d last connected with her through the Force. Kylo was getting antsy. He’d gotten used to her presence and, more than that, he missed her. With Rey near, he felt more able to handle the strange burdens that he’d managed to become responsible for. With her presence, he could _feel_ that there’d be an outcome that might be able to please them both. But without her, his dark thoughts were oppressive and impacted his demeanor on the bridge.

Hux noticed and seemed to be taking advantage of his mental state by poking and prodding him with every annoying, nit-picky detail about their next course of action that he could. Kylo wanted Hux dead, but he needed him alive. At least, for the moment, despite the fact that he was certain Hux was using every opportunity to spread gossip about how unbalanced the Supreme Leader was. Hux’s man, Captain Opan, was a skilled assassin, this much Kylo already knew, but he wouldn’t put it past the Captain to take part in more subtle means of undermining him. The First Order had loyalty issues and was becoming a cult of personality. The last thing Kylo needed was for a revolt among the officers as he didn’t have their fear quite in the same way as Hux.

They feared his Force powers, his temperament, that much Kylo knew. But Hux was a different beast altogether. They knew that Hux would do anything to survive and the officers would do their best to divine the winning side. The First Order already had support from most of the Galaxy; it had been easy to get the systems to fall into line after the Hosnian Cataclysm... But the fall of the Empire had proven that fear-based ruling wasn’t sustainable, that there needed to be a balance. And Hux would never support anything even vaguely reminiscent of a Republic.

Kylo sighed. Too many thoughts swirling through his already conflicted mind. Sliding back into familiar patterns, Kylo made his way towards a place where he could work off some of his aggression, without the risk of Force choking anyone, but the training area was already occupied. With her vibroblade pike in hand, the human woman once known as Fée, now Fuore Ren, was beautiful and deliberate with her intention as she trained. She looked almost tranquil despite her fearsome mask, but Kylo knew it was only a façade; her slow movements illustrated the extreme control she had over both the forms and her own Force powers. That she chose to restrain herself was more terrifying than any display of power, for Kylo knew what she was capable of.

The bodice of her black clothing was tight but released around her hips with a shocking slash of red that accentuated her movement and heightened her fearsome nature. Short, strong legs stretched as she purposefully made her way through the precise exercises. She knew he was watching and, as ever, she didn’t care.

“Has the First Order become so odious that you’ve once again decided to dedicate time to your training? Or perhaps you’re missing the scavenger?” She cocked her head, modulator deconstructing her throaty voice into something dark and insidious. She was impudent and the chrome detailing on her helm flickered as she gave a mocking bow. But Kylo Ren almost liked her temperament, preferred it, actually, to some of the more obsequious Knights. Besides, he knew where her weaknesses.

“Has Vadon returned from her mission?” Kylo asked, lip quirking. He had no mask to hide his face, but he knew she could read his emotions with or without it. Fuore’s shoulders tightened, but she otherwise showed no response to his taunt as she continued through her forms. Fuore’s lover, a Mirialan, was a capable and discreet warrior and Kylo trusted her abilities, though they hadn’t had any contact with Vadon for nearly two weeks. Kylo knew he’d hit on Fuore’s own reasons for seeking out the training grounds. He could well understand the feeling of concern for a loved one even if he sought to tease out a reaction from Fuore.

After a long moment, Fuore deigned to reply, “No, she has not made contact, though I have less to worry about than most in that regard.”

He deserved that though he’d never admit it to her. He hated how right she was about everything. When dressed without the helm, her long red hair cascaded down her back in vibrant waves, contrasting with her dark skin. Slight and full of ferocity, she’d been the best amongst them, the purest. Precognisant. Brilliantly talented in the Force, she’d been Luke’s star student, but she’d chosen to come with Kylo. Something in her gaze had told him she’d anticipated his future long before he’d known it himself. Something in her gaze always seemed to suggest that she knew more than she was letting on. Images. _Pictures._ A future in motion.

_But with a push in the right direction..._

Not exactly enemies, but something closer than friends, a handful of Luke’s former students had followed him when he’d barely had a hold on his own reality. They followed him now and believed in a grander purpose for the Force and for the Knights of Ren. And would he let Rey or the Resistance tear that asunder?

_No. There has to be another way._

He’d seen Rey's past and within her a kindred loneliness, but it had always been more than that for him. From the moment he first saw her, it felt like coming home. An echoing sameness reaching out to him through the Force. He’d known then, even if he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it, that his life had been leading up to that moment of connection with Rey.

“Sentimentality will be Kylo Ren’s downfall,” she purred as Fuore shifted her stance towards him. Pike held wide to her side, it looked like an open and defenseless position, but knowing her as he did, Kylo Ren realized it would be a mistake to think of this woman as anything other than lethal.

“Maybe,” he replied. “But until then, let’s see if you can stay alive for one more day.”

Kylo angled the hilt of his lightsaber towards Fuore as she adjusted her stance, ready for what was sure to be a punishing onslaught. Kylo Ren ignited his lightsaber, and he watched as Fuore tilted her head, trying to divine what form he’d decided on using.

 _Let her guess,_ he thought as he readied himself.

In the stillness before the first strike, Fuore Ren taunted, “There is no death.”

“There is only the Force,” he replied, a tiny smirk curling the edge of his lips as he lunged towards her, aching with the need to fight.

* * *

He could feel her before she manifested, Rey’s Force signature thrumming through their bond before their strange connection solidified around them, bringing her into focus. Kylo mentally thanked himself for hitting the sonic shower at the training grounds before heading back to his quarters because she looked _beautiful,_ well, a different kind of beautiful than she normally looked. He was used to seeing her dressed in some combination of her everyday clothes or coveralls, so when he saw her dressed _like this,_ he was stunned to speechlessness.

She knew he was there, but she seemed to be staring out at something—maybe a viewport? Her hair was gathered high, with little wisps curling around her long neck. It must have been an elaborate hairstyle at one point, but it looked like she’d pulled the pins out to mess it up, but it was an alteration that he found stunningly sexy.

But the dress. He’d be thinking about _this dress_ for days and weeks to come. Black. _He liked her in black._ The square neckline edged low, exposing her décolleté to his ravenous gaze. And short. The dress was so _very_ short. Kylo forced his eyes downward, taking in the soft flare of the skirt, right to the edge of where the fabric stopped high on her thighs. Objectively, Kylo knew Rey was strong and that her legs were a feature that he absolutely _coveted,_ but seeing her like this pushed his thoughts right into the realm of the obscene.

What would she look like, in that dress, as she pressed into him from above? Skirt flared and legs spread over his hips, a knowing smile on her face—the one she reserved for him alone. Kylo clenched his fists in an effort to control his emotions. The last thing he wanted was to make a fool of himself or make Rey uncomfortable, especially when she seemed so distressed.

She was barefoot, which led Kylo to guess that she’d abandoned some uncomfortable shoes in a pique. Her Force signature sizzled between them, and while she was annoyed, Kylo was experiencing a different kind of frustration. She was going to be the death of him, he just knew it, but before he could consider the thought any further, Rey growled, and kriff him, it was the sexiest thing he could have imagined her doing, which meant he was _incredibly_ doomed. Kylo took a shuddery breath before nudging her with the Force. Rey wrapped her arms around herself but she doggedly refused to turn and face him, so he went to her.

 _Hold me and don’t say anything,_ she demanded.

He couldn’t imagine what she was expecting him to say, other than that she looked divine, but he acquiesced to her demands. His strong arms wrapped around her from behind as Kylo pulled her against his chest. He resisted the urge to dip his head down and brush a kiss against her exposed neck, instead opting to place his lips against the side of her brow.

“Bad day,” she grumbled.

 _Same,_ he sent back through their bond, that and how much he’d missed her.

Rey sighed and pressed her head back against his chest, eyes closed. Kylo could see the glittering edges of her eyelashes and the dark slashes of makeup along her lids. She looked gorgeous but felt unhappy.

“Tell me,” he demanded. He’d bring ruination to anyone who hurt _his Rey,_ but at his anger, he only felt amusement in response.

_Nothing terrible. Sometimes my friends just forget that I didn’t grow up around other people... Or with any close friends at all, really._

When he’d been younger, he’d had friends, at least until his powers had started to manifest with a strange and dark intensity. After he’d gone to Luke’s temple, he’d tried to convince himself that he preferred the solitude, but it was a lie. But when Rey had found her way into his heart, he realized what he’d been missing out on for so long and now that he had her, he’d do whatever it took to keep her in his life.

“I don’t know when my birthday is,” she explained before turning to face him. Her lips were stained red and Kylo did his best to concentrate on her words and not on how much he wanted to find out the answer to whether her mouth tasted as sweet as it looked.

“So they made one up, to surprise me. I thought it was just a party. The girls found me a dress and everything, but I was so shocked when it happened. I wasn’t happy about it even though I knew I should be. I was anxious and had to keep myself from crying. I lasted an hour before I ducked out.”

“Where are you?” He asked while trailing his fingers along her arms in an effort to soothe her.

“The Falcon. It’s docked outside so I can sit in the cockpit and stare at the stars.”

“Where’s Chewie?” _The Wookiee..._ he should have corrected himself, but it was an old instinct that had him using that name, one he hadn’t quite smothered yet.

Rey’s nose crinkled as she smiled, but she didn’t comment on his slip up. “He ran interference so I could get away without being noticed. I owe him one.” Her arms slipped tight around his back while he gently traced the curve of her neck with his gloved fingers.

“How many pairs do you own?” she teased as she leaned into his touch. She could steal as many of his gloves as she wanted as she’d already stolen his heart; what were a few pairs of gloves if it meant her happiness?

“A few,” he murmured. Kylo massaged into the nape of her neck, earning a purr from Rey before she continued.

“It was a nice thing they did for me. They did it to make me happy and I just...,” her words trailed off. But she didn’t really need to explain to Kylo. His own birthday had fallen on the day the Galactic Concordance was signed—an auspicious birthday, he’d always been told. He’d never believed it. In fact, when he was a child, he’d _hated_ his birthday _because_ the first thing everyone thought of on _his_ birthday was the treaty that had ended the Galactic Civil War. It was silly, but it wasn’t always easy to rationalize with a kid who’d felt as if the specter of duty had always been hanging over him.

_So lucky to have such a day for your birth..._

_It means great things for you, Ben!_

_I can only imagine what an impact you will have on the galaxy—just look at what your mother and father accomplished._

Voices from the past still haunted him. Senators, his mother and father’s friends, what would they think of him now—if they were even still alive... But Rey, free from that burden, had experienced a different kind of pain. When a child is left to raise themselves, what could they celebrate? Neither Kylo nor Rey was comfortable being the center of attention for long and having a surprise party seemed like the kind of hell that Ben Solo had tried to avoid and one that Kylo Ren never considered anymore.

“I think I said all the right things?” she continued while burrowing her face into his shoulder, her voice cracking as her sadness radiated through them both. That he was a source of comfort for her still surprised him, but they had always been drawn together in their loneliness, which bred a certain kind of understanding. But now, he felt empty when she wasn’t near and heartbroken that he couldn’t comfort her truly in person. But, for now, he drew her close and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

“I am pretty good at getting myself into trouble when I speak,” Kylo admitted and Rey chuckled.

“Something you picked up?” she ribbed through her sniffles.

Kylo thought of his father, who’d had an uncanny ability to say all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time. “I come by it honestly,” he admitted.

“Rose noticed though. She always notices the little things,” Rey continued, murmuring against his collarbone. Not for the first time, he wished he was wearing _less_ , so he could better feel her touch against his skin. Her amusement flashed through their bond as she placed a kiss on his chest.

 _Rose? The girl who bit Hux? And who eluded Phasma?_ Not everyone had perished in the docking bay after the Resistance’s surprising last-ditch move and the Stormtroopers who’d survived had risked punishment by spreading the tale of the feisty Haysian who’d had the audacity to bite Hux, never mind the other rumors that had started spreading through the Stormtrooper ranks after FN2187 had almost managed to take down Phasma... Still, Kylo couldn’t help but feel some appreciation towards the woman who’d enraged Hux and doubly so with how she seemed to comfort his Rey.

“Sometimes, on Jakku, the village kids would get presents for their birthdays. I was jealous of the gifts, but I was mostly hurt that someone cared enough about them to remember the day they were born.”

He’d always hated his birthday, but faced with the loneliness that Rey had experience, Kylo realized he’d been selfish. His beautiful Rey... How could he ever put into words how much she meant to him? Enough that he’d rather burn down the galaxy than surrender her life to Snoke. What sacrifice would he be called upon to make for her in the future? Kylo Ren was uncertain, but he knew that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Rey.

On instinct, Kylo dipped his arms and pulled her up against him. Rey’s legs splayed around his hard middle as she let out a little, “Meep!” of surprise.

As the heat of his body pressed into the most intimate places of hers, he pressed his lips against her neck and murmured, “I don’t know what day you were born, but I do know that the day I met you was the best day of my life.”

“Ben, I nearly shot you,” she deadpanned before taking his face in her hands.

“I was lost until I found you. You marked me, body and soul, and I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he assured her.

Rey pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “The Force has an interesting sense of humor, I’ll give it that much.”

“So, no more surprise birthday parties?” he teased. And she laughed before wiping away her tears.

“Maker, _no._ I’m barely used to being around groups of people, let alone being their center of attention. It’s exhausting.”

Kylo tried to keep his feelings to himself, that she was _always_ at the center of his attention, but his thoughts slipped through the cracks in his mind.

“I don’t mind _your_ attention,” she assured him while she trailed a line of kisses along the curve of his jaw.

Kylo licked his lips. He couldn’t give her a birthday, but he could distract her from that loneliness by showing her just how much she meant to him.

“I like the dress,” he commented, which wasn’t entirely true, he _loved_ the dress. Though he was preoccupied with wondering what it would look a little more messed up.

“Oh? One of the lieutenants lent it to me. I’m not used to having so much of myself exposed, either.”

Kylo’s gloved hands twitched into the meat of her thighs at that comment. Though he’d seen her _much less_ clothed, he wasn’t used to seeing her dressed up like this. He liked it, but he liked her _any way_ he could get her.

“What do you like about it?” she teased, feigning innocence while clearly getting a rise out of his reaction. Rey pressed her chest tight against him, accentuating her curves. Kylo groaned softly.

After gaining some composure, he managed to say, “It dips low and rides high. Doesn’t hide _anything_ from me.” Rey studied his face, her eyes exploring his expression before settling on his lips. Kylo darted his tongue out, teasingly. Rey mimicked his action, very clearly wanting to kiss him.

“You’ve seen all of me, Ben,” she reminded him while pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips.

_But the way this hides some places but exposes others. You are a wondrous temptation, Rey._

Rey wiggled in his grip. _Says the man who makes a habit of greeting me half naked._

_If I recall, it was you who demanded I sleep with less clothing on._

_Oh, hush. I know you’re just trying to distract me from feeling sad,_ she thought before nuzzling his cheek with her nose.

“How’s it working?” he asked.

“Wondrously. Keep going,” she urged before he finally, _finally_ dipped his head and pressed his lips to hers.

 _Your lips were made for kissing..._ Kylo thought he heard through their bond, which was funny because he’d been thinking the exact same thing. Rey’s mouth parted as his tongue slipped within, gently twirling with her own. Rey slid her hands along his shoulders before dipping them into his long hair, with an insistent tug, she deepened their kiss and it wasn’t long before they both want to do _much_ more than just kiss.

 _A bed,_ she thought as he held her tight against him. Kylo fumbled back as her presence was taken more fully into his own experience. After some awkward movements, Kylo seated himself on the edge of his bed while her fingers tripped over the fastenings of his tunic. Rey let out a little cry of victory when his clothing finally slipped open and she _puzzlingly_ pressed her face into his chest.

 _Never wear a shirt. Never never never never..._ her thoughts were almost as distracting as her touch, which was slipping lower and lower by the second. But this was supposed to be about _her_. Kylo’s hands clasped around her middle and Rey peered up at him before he gently switched their positions, depositing her at the edge of the bed, legs splayed.

“Lean back,” he urged her.

Rey cocked her head at him, unsure, but dipped back to her elbows. He wasn’t certain he’d be good at this, hell, when was he ever sure about _anything_ aside from how much she meant to him? But he was going to try. A benefit of being connected through the Force was that he could often feel her thoughts and desires as if they were his own, so he had a bit of an unfair advantage. And it was an advantage he fully meant to exploit.

Kylo knelt before her on the hard ground and Rey finally divined his intention.

“Oh... Are you sure?” she said, hips fidgeting as she unconsciously worked to hide herself.

Kylo slid his hands up her legs and held her wide. “I’m sure. Tell me if you want me to stop, if you _ever_ want me to stop,” he directed. He’d dreamed about this. Wondered what it would be like to lap at that sensitive nub. Would she be as responsive as she always was? Would she enjoy it? Kylo was already addicted to her taste, so he knew that _he_ would, but he only ever wanted her to be happy.

With a shaky breath, Rey nodded and Kylo slid one hand higher up her thigh.

“Wait!” she said and Kylo’s eyes shot up to hers.

“Just... take off your gloves,” she said with a little smile.

 _Oh. Of course,_ he thought.

 _I like the gloves, but the connection is stronger without that barrier,_ she assured him. Kylo needed no convincing. He _loved_ the way she felt against his bare skin. Kylo pulled off his gloves before continuing to shrug out of his open top. He could feel her nervousness through the Force. Though they were familiar with each other’s desire, there were still many things left to explore. And Kylo wanted her to know, wanted her to _feel,_ just how much she meant to him. Just how much he’d _do_ for her. Nothing short of pulling down the stars from the night sky. Nothing short of prostrating himself before the woman who had destroyed him and saved him. Hands bare, Kylo slipped his fingers under the layers of her dress before tracing along the band of her underthings.

“Lay back, Rey,” he urged and, finally, she slid off of her elbows to lay full on her back. Kylo hitched the dress up over her thighs before his hands returned to her panties. With an insistent tug, Rey lifted her hips and let Kylo expose her to his gaze. With a flick of his wrist, Kylo slipped the little scrap of fabric under the folds of his blankets before staring down on her. Peachy and perfect, with a little thatch of curls that ignited his desire, he couldn’t begin to describe how much her trust meant to him. Every time he saw her, he was reminded how exquisite she was—inside and out. And that she let him close, let him _touch_ her, after all that had happened and in the face of all that was still in between them, was a constant source of wonder for Kylo.

 

****He caught her gaze before tentatively tracing a finger along her sex. She was already wet for him and _Maker_ if that didn’t go _straight_ to his cock. Kylo dipped his head and sucked kisses into the inside of her thigh. Rey squirmed under his touch and Kylo trailed his hands up to her hips, holding her tight.

“Ready, sweetheart?” he asked, gently rubbing his stubbly chin into her leg, teasing a laugh out of her.

“ _Please,_ ” she purred with a smile and it was all the encouragement he needed. Kylo licked along the seam of her thigh, trailing closer and closer to that slick entrance. He tortured them _both,_ for he wanted to taste her as much as she wanted his touch. Kylo took a deep breath. Her scent was as addictive as death sticks. With a little shake of his head, Kylo bent his head close and _licked_ along that wet little entrance.

The taste of her impacted him just as hard as it always did, but what he _hadn’t_ expected was her reaction. Rey twisted as he licked in an effort to get closer to his mouth, but his strong hands held her tight. And when his tongue tripped over that little pearl of pleasure between her folds? Her pleasure reverberated throughout her whole being and straight into his own Kylo found that he liked her like this—wanton and needy—and that he enjoyed giving her pleasure almost as much as she enjoyed receiving it.

Full lips tugging, tongue swiping, Rey slid her hands down and into his hair, pulling _tight_ as he slipped a finger into her... and then a second. Thrusting his hand in time with his mouth, he could _feel_ how good it was for her, how he’d never felt anything quite like this before.  It only made him wish he’d done it sooner for reality was much sweeter than his imagination. Watching her writhe as he fucked her with his hand and loved her with his mouth was intoxicating. He thought forward to a time, hopefully soon, when he’d truly have her beneath him. That svelte, strong body wrapped around his as they finally, _finally_ became one.

Rey let out a low whine as his thoughts mingled with hers. The way she looked and felt to him combined with her own desire, creating something wild and overwhelming, pushing her body higher and higher until, finally, she broke. With a high wail, Rey shattered, legs clenching around his head as she rode the exquisite waves of her orgasm. Kylo could not have been more pleased with himself. His fingers thrust while his lips heightened every single bit of pleasure before she finally pressed him away.

 

****“Happy birthday,” he teased from between her legs and Rey let out an incredulous laugh.

“If I’d known this was the present that was waiting for me, I’d have ducked out of that party sooner!” 

Kylo gave an obscene lick of his lips before shifting to stand while Rey scooted over. Her dress was beyond messed, her hair in a tangle, skin flushed, but she’d never looked more lovely to him. Arms outstretched, Rey smiled up at him before Kylo slid into the bed to join her. Her arms wrapped around his middle as she leaned into his bare chest.

“Next time, it’s my turn,” she said with a little shove to his ribs.

“Next time,” he assured her as he tucked her close, content to just be close to her.

 _I love you,_ she thought. _Thank you for this and for just... understanding._

Kylo’s breath hitched as her thoughts and feelings reached through to him. He knew she loved him, but he was still unused to hearing it so clearly. Rey’s thoughts turned to his desires as she slowly caressed the muscles of his abdomen.

 _But for now, Ben..._ she thought.

Rey’s hand slipped low over the hard bulge along his thigh. Kylo groaned as Rey laughed. It had been a long day and was going to be a _long_ night, but Kylo couldn’t wait to enjoy it with her and hope that one day, _every night_ would be one he shared with Rey. 

* * *

We’re totally going to pretend that in the GFFA they have words like décolleté lol. Ok, so I was going to make this an angsty one, but the last one was angsty and this chapter is dedicated to [@glacialreylo](https://glacialreylo.tumblr.com/) and I didn’t want to give her something sad to read LOL because I appreciate her kindness so much (she [had some amazing art commissioned for Steady As We Burn](https://glacialreylo.tumblr.com/post/172098986254/laurabarcali-rey-commission-for) by [@laurabacali](https://laurabarcali.tumblr.com/) and I cried and died and love it so much). So this is for you, lovely! Though I guess it’s kind of angsty, but also sexy? HAHA. NGL, kind of my fav combination.

I also really enjoy (and am simultaneously depressed by) the idea that both Kylo and Rey are awks as fuck with what should be pretty typical life experiences. Like, these poor kids have suffered through so much, I imagine even being around people that aren’t trying to rip you off or kill you is a big fucking adjustment, let alone under the weight of social expectation. MY SPACE KIDS MAKE ME SO SAD. THEY NEED HUGS.

I can’t remember who said it first, but the KOR should sure as fuck all be female. Like YES. YES SO MUCH YES. So that’s what we’re going with here. Also, Kylo being surrounded by strong women is just something that I FUCKING LOVE OK. Also, I’d hella love watching those ladies stick it to Hux, just they’d be so good at pissing them off and he’d be so pissed that he couldn’t do a damn thing about it without risking his head. Like, all I’m saying is give me the KOR, JJ.

Also, HAHA Kylo’s gaze being hungry is canon. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just the way it is. ALSO. WHAT AN ASSHOLE I AM. Cutting it off there! This chap was too long already, so NEXT TIME. Any mistakes are my own because I love them and they are darling and beautiful to me. _I am so tired._

_OK SO I CAVED and used cock. I just hate the fucking euphemisms and we're in E territrory now and also C territory. lol I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore._

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thank you for all the kudos, subs, and the comments (and over 10k reads WOW YOU GUYS). I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**


	10. Call Out My Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **** marks where the E content starts and finishes.

Rey was still getting used to traveling throughout the galaxy. After spending so many years alone on Jakku, moving around so frequently gave her a strange sense of anxiety. She loved exploring new worlds but sometimes it got to be too much. During the quiet, anxious moments while traveling through hyperspace, her thoughts turned to Ben Solo the most. It was strange how he had become an anchor in the great unknown of the galaxy. He was a constant for her, but also a source of conflict. She knew things wouldn’t end well if her friends or the Resistance found out about her bond with the Supreme Leader, but she couldn’t ignore the little tug in her heart that told her that maybe, just maybe, Leia would understand.

Chewie knew and, while he didn’t always seem to understand, he trusted her intentions enough to go along with it and besides, it was _Ben Solo_. Maybe he too wanted to believe that there was a piece of that goodness, that little bit of Han and Leia, still protected inside the hard shell of Kylo Ren. Rey could see it, more than that, Rey could _feel it._

The ship rumbled and brought Rey back to the present. It felt strange to be traveling on the cargo vessel. Though the Falcon wasn’t the most secretive ship in the galaxy, which was one of the reasons they hadn’t used it for the mission, it had started to feel like a second home to her. The junky freighter they used to sneak by the First Order contingent around Lothal was old and creaky, but blessedly unknown. As they dropped out of hyperspace, Rey could _feel_ the old clunker creak and resist. There weren’t enough of them for this mission, just a handful of people that Leia could spare, but hopefully, they could gather some information that would point them in the right direction, or at least help them garner some support from sympathizers.

_We just need to figure out what the next stage of their plan is..._

“Get in, observe, get out. How hard can that be?” Finn interrupted her musing, a grin crinkling his handsome, dark face. As the ship slipped through the atmosphere of Lothal and made its way towards Central City, Rey shifted in her seat.

“May the Force be with us,” Rey replied, even as her stomach sank a little. There was something off about the whole thing. Leia had voiced her reservations about the strength of Lothal’s loyalty to the Resistance or any kind of fledgling republic, but Rey was insistent. It was a good chance to get some intel on the First Order and, maybe, take out a few officers. If they were lucky, they might even be able to eliminate Hux. But now Rey wondered whether she should have taken Leia’s concerns more seriously.

_It’s not like I couldn’t just ask Ben... I wonder if he would tell me his grand plans?_

It was a novel thought. Though they sometimes argued, well, she’d argue, and he’d listen, stony-faced, before gathering her close and trying to calm her, they never talked about what their respective sides were planning. Neither ever asked.

_Kriff. Kriff! What the hell am I doing?_

She was in love with the Supreme Leader of the First Order and regularly met him through their shared connection in the Force,  _that_ was what she was doing. It would only end disastrously, except that, more and more, she felt there was another way. Maybe Ben _did_ have a plan that didn’t include taking over the entire galaxy through brute force and intimidation like Hux seemed to be obsessed with doing. As they drew closer to Central City, Rey thought of the last time she’d been with Ben and the thought made her smile, despite her concerns. People had begun to remark on her smiling face lately. Rose or Finn or someone else would catch her smiling up at nothing and wonder why.

_Why, indeed. Couldn’t have anything to do with one pale, dark-haired, unfairly handsome Ben Solo, could it?_

Rey sighed and smothered another grin. Before she and Ben had parted the last time they’d been together, she’d managed to make good on her teasing promise, even if she’d been terrified of messing it all up. Rey was a master scavenger, but when it came to seduction, she was a novice at best. Luckily, Ben was as awkward and unsure as she was, which made for a great pair, actually. Discovering that sensual side together was something she cherished, and she was more than glad that Ben Solo would be her first... _everything,_ as she would be his.

She definitely wasn’t good at it, not by a long shot, but his encouragement and response—harried thoughts and feelings of _More. Oh, so good. Kriff. Please, Rey!—_ did enough to keep her from completely faltering. So much of what worked about their relationship revolved around the give and take between them. When they were balanced, the galaxy seemed to conspire to help them along, but when they were at odds, it seemed to shift and crack around them both.

****Ben moaned as Rey’d gripped his length tight, firmly stroking as he hardened against her palm. He wasn’t small, not that she had a lot to compare him too, but she could feel and see that he was embarrassed by his body. The tips of his ears were bright red and an adorable flush had spread across his cheeks and neck. The Supreme Leader of the galaxy was worried, even as they were together, that she would find him undesirable.

“I literally have you in my hand—and mouth, Ben,” she chuckled before dipping forward to lay a gentle kiss on the tip of his erection.

Ben took a deep breath, hands twitching at his sides as he visibly tried to keep himself still for her.

“I just...,” he faltered as her tongue came out to dart along the crown of his length, swirling and tasting as he continued to harden.

“Just what, Ben?” she taunted as her lips wrapped around him, as she pulled and sucked with her mouth. It wasn’t as if she had practice with this, but ever since they’d shared thoughts—and dreams—together, she’d been curious about this act. _He’d_ been curious as well. And given how much sheenjoyed his mouth on her, Rey had only wanted to do the same for him.

 _You managed to figure this out for me,_ she thought. _Why can’t I do this for you?_

 _It’s not only that..._ came his harried thoughts. _I just don’t want you to feel obligated._

Rey chuckled around him and Ben groaned as the reverberations ran right through the length of him.

 _You should know me well enough by now to know that I never do anything that I don’t want to do,_ she teased as her hand tightened around him, stroking in time with the gentle pull of her mouth.

 _“Kriff...,_ ” Ben groaned as he finally gave in to temptation and threaded one of his big hands through Rey’s loose hair. He pulled _tight_ and Rey groaned appreciatively in response as her mouth, tongue, _lips_ worked along Ben’s cock. In this space between worlds, sensations overwhelmed as the Force bond kept pace with their desires. It was real but _unreal,_ and their need added to the dreamlike quality of their connection.

Rey shifted and slid her free hand between Ben’s legs, caressing along the seam of his thigh before dipping _lower_. Ben twitched and let out a low moan as one hand massaged between his legs while the other teased his length in time with her mouth. Rey felt a shimmer through the Force as their connection was heightened further. There was very little that separated them anymore. They were of one mind and, with the Force, very nearly of one body. Rey smiled around his cock as she pulled tight with her lips, tongue swirling over that sensitive head before dipping low, slipping him _deep_ down her throat.

“Rey... I’m going to...,” Ben gasped, hips twitching in response to her touch. Rey wasn’t certain she wanted him to come in her mouth, so she took the warning for what it was and pulled away with an obscene pop. Ben locked eyes with her and she bit her lip. She felt cherished, desirable and so wanted when she was with him, but when they were like this, with Ben at her mercy, she felt more powerful than even an Empress of the Galaxy would. As the subtle, passionate darkness flared around them both, Ben’s back arched while he let out a low stream of curses before he finally came apart, in little pulsing rushes, all over her hand and his stomach.

****With a laugh, Rey sprawled alongside his big body, her dress still askew. Everything was messy and tangled and perfect.

“Do you think things will feel this good when we’re actually together?” he asked, still breathless as one of his strong arms slipped around her middle. Was it a flippant question on his part? Maybe she was overthinking it, but Rey had to ignore the little lump in her throat as she considered a future together with Ben. Somehow, knowing that he’d come to believe that there was even a possibility for a future, with all that remained between them, helped lessen the aching loneliness in her heart.

“Better,” she assured him as she shifted, ducking under his chin with a kiss. She knew it in her heart to be the truth.

Finn’s voice brought her back to the present and the mission on Lothal. “Ready, Peanut?”

Rey glanced out a small porthole as they pulled into the civilian docking bay and gave a tight nod before unbuckling her safety harness. Finn could always tell when she was anxious and after he unbuckled himself, he strode towards her and pulled her in for a hug.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” she replied while tightening her arms around his middle. “Be safe, Finn.”

“Hey, you’re looking at a bona fide Rebel. I can do this,” he said before placing a quick kiss on her brow and pulling back.

“Yeah, well, Poe _and_ Rose will have my head if anything happens to you, so keep that in mind,” she teased, though there was some truth to it. There was no way she ever wanted any harm to come to her friends and, as big-hearted and brave as Finn could be, Rey always felt as if she needed to keep an extra eye on him.

 _He’s going to hate you when he finds out,_ she thought. Rey sighed as she pulled away from her friend before making her final preparations. Would Finn understand? Would Poe? Or Rose? What about Leia? But those were thoughts for another time.

* * *

 _Nothing_ on Lothal went as planned. It was all so fucked up and confusing from the start. By the time Rey, Finn, and the rest of the team met up with their contact, they and their posse were already on the move through the city, leaving Finn, Rey, and the few others, to play catch-up on the fly as they tried to make their way towards the First Order docking bay.

She should have protested more. Should have realized that things weren’t right with that rocky start, but she swallowed her reservations and kept moving through the dusty city streets. And now, after all that she’d been through, she was going to die alone on a foreign planet that was alike and so unlike Jakku in so many ways.

_Ben is going to be so hurt._

Her heart ached with the thought of how he would react. And, worst of all, it was her own damn fault. She’d gotten grouped away from Finn once they’d made it to the rendezvous point outside of the docking bay and, worse, when the fighting had started, she’d gotten hurt. The First Order had been waiting for them with Stormtroopers covertly positioned throughout the hangar. Once they’d taken the first shot, the Stormtroopers had started in on them. Someone had betrayed them. It was the only way to explain the response they were getting. It was probably one of the locals, likely for credits considering the First Order had a standing bounty for _any_ members of the Resistance, let alone the girl who’d managed to kill Snoke. It had been a setup from the start and, not just _any_ setup, one that was specifically made to draw _her_ out in particular. Had Hux realized that she’d jump at the chance to take him out?

_Hux must be out for revenge—or just eliminating threats._

The latter seemed more likely, or perhaps he’d figured it all out. Though Ben was the Supreme Leader now, Hux was still there, lurking like a malevolent shadow. Rey knew that he was biding his time and she was certain that Ben knew it too, but this—had Ben known about this?

_No. There’s no way. Hux is working to undermine him and drawing me out to see how Ben reacts._

According to what they’d found out, General Hux was meant to be surveying First Order interests on Lothal and putting up a united front throughout the Outer Rims, despite their losses, but it hadn’t been like that at all. Get in, find out what the First Order was really planning on Lothal, and get out. That was the plan. But the man who’d stepped off of the command shuttle hadn’t been Hux at all, but Kylo Ren, flanked by two of his Knights. The Resistance was going to kill him on sight, there was no way they could let an opportunity like this pass them by, but Rey couldn’t let that happen. Despite the consequences for her, there was no way she was going to let anyone hurt Ben. As her comrades had slipped into position behind massive cargo containers, Rey let her traitorous heart get the best of her.

 _Ben. It’s a trap!_ she’d thought frantically through the Force as their strange connection snapped into place. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for him to prepare and block the killing shot, but in protecting Ben, she’d opened herself up by not paying attention to how vulnerable her position was. They should have known when Kylo Ren was standing there and not Hux. That wasn’t what the intel had said at all. Did Ben know about this? The shocked expression on his face said otherwise. Had Hux hoped that he’d be able to kill two birds with one stone by luring the Resistance and Rey out of hiding? And Ben had reacted—not much, but enough to be telling, as she’d been shot—hand outstretched towards where she was positioned, expression tight. The skirmish had escalated. Blaster bolts singed overhead as she’d ducked, clutching her shoulder.

Rey from Jakku couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been; didn’t she learn anything all those years alone, managing to stay alive? But she ignored those immediate thoughts as her body went into shock. Rey almost laughed. It was the first time they’d _really_ seen each other since the Supremacy. He looked... Better, almost. Still pale, but the dark circles under his eyes had faded some. Rey wondered if that had been because of her. And here she was. Getting shot. _Not_ killing General Hux. The whole thing reeked of betrayal and treason and she couldn’t wait to tell Ben all about it. If she didn’t bleed out before she could get help, that was.

Rey stumbled away from the fray as unfamiliar faces joined the fight. Either everyone on Lothal was gunning for a fight, or the Rebels on Lothal had sent in reinforcements to help.

 _Finn... Where is Finn?_ she thought, but her friend was nowhere to be seen. She hoped he was alright, but Finn had been trained for these fights, better than she had. Rey wanted to fight, but she was well enough aware of the fact that she’d just get in the way or die faster. Rey swung her head around as she clutched her shoulder, trying to find a safe escape route. Though she’d paid attention during the initial approach as they’d made their way through Central City, with the pain and the confusion, Lothal seemed as if it had shifted on its axis and nothing was familiar.

Blood seeped through her coveralls, making her feel lightheaded.

_Don’t pass out here. Don’t pass out here. Don’t pass out here._

She stumbled through the unfamiliar streets as far away from the fight as she could before nearly falling into an alley. Rey slid down against a wall and managed to sit before she pressed her comlink and tried to speak, but she was too dizzy and the words came out all wrong. She hoped that the tracker in her clothes would be enough for her friends to find her.

She hoped... _Ben..._

_Oh, Ben..._

She was convinced that this would be the moment where she’d die. Not in a Star Destroyer on Jakku after a miscalculated jump, or by the hands of Unkar Plutt’s fiends. No, just a blaster to the shoulder and bleeding out on the dusty streets of Jakku. Maybe she’d always been meant for a place like this, meant to die in a place like this. Dusty Lothal, on the fringes and barely remembered, but somehow still surviving, despite all odds. Until even tenacity and spunk couldn’t shake off the darker aspects of the known galaxy. From what she’d been told, Lothal had gone through quite the transformation after the fall of the Empire and was now almost thriving. She couldn’t help but think that the Force had something to do with that as Rey could feel it thrumming through the life and will of the planet.

_The Force..._

Rey tried to use that innate connection to heal herself, as Ben had tried to show her, but it was too hard to concentrate with the pain throbbing and the blood dripping. She was going to faint. She could hear distant noises from the ongoing battle. They were going to find her—the Stormtroopers or the Knights. Would they kill her, or take her hostage? Her last thoughts drifted to a place where time and feeling no longer mattered. Rey almost felt at peace, until... thoughts of her friends invaded her mind, more than that, _Ben Solo._ She couldn’t die like this! She had to fight? But she was so tired...

 _Everyone is going to be so angry with me,_ she thought before her eyelids closed and everything went black.

* * *

Something was tugging at her through the Force. A strange sensation—like a shiver, but with more depth and complexity—ran down her spine. Rey was shoved out of unconsciousness and right back into the agony of existence.

“Ugh...,” she mumbled as the pain bloomed in her shoulder. All she wanted was to lie down and sleep forever, but _someone_ wouldn’t let that happen. Rey hazarded a glance up, which was hard given that her body wasn’t really interested in listening to her. Hovering over her was a very tall, and _very_ Force sensitive man. She was confused and the pieces of what happened came back together a little too slowly for her liking, but she knew that this couldn’t be happening.

“Ben? Are you crazy?” she managed.

_I must be dreaming... Did I connect with Ben like this?_

Ben stared down at her, his expression tight. “Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing,” he deadpanned, though she could feel through the Force that he was a strange combination of annoyed and terrified—for her?

_Of course for you! I didn’t think I’d be able to find you at all. The connection between us was so faint, I didn’t know if I’d get to you in time._

“In time?” she asked, dazed. Rey looked down at where her hand pressed against her shoulder.

_Blood. So much blood. Is this mine?_

Flashes of what happened flickered into her mind. Reconnaissance mission, but it had gone wrong. They’d been found out somehow.

_Luckily, I got to you before the squads did._

_Did you know?_ Rey thought, but she knew the answer already.

_No. None of this was according to my plan._

“This is beyond a bad idea, Ben,” she grumbled, still holding her shoulder tight. “I knew what I was getting myself into when I came here.”

 _When I chose the Resistance..._ She didn't say it, but the words hang in the air, regardless.

“Rey, Hux knows there’s something between us. He doesn’t know what exactly, but he knows I didn’t take down the Supreme Leader alone. You can’t let him draw you out like this!”

“Are you giving me advice on how to avoid the First Order, Supreme Leader?” she scoffed, though the effort cost her and Rey realized she was going to need medical attention, despite what the adrenaline coursing through her veins seemed to suggest.

“He’s going to kill you as soon as he can, why don’t you see that?” she mumbled, losing energy.

“Of course I see that,” he shot back. “Hux is a problem that I will find a solution to.”

“Is that right?” she murmured weakly.

“It doesn’t matter what I do with Hux. It’s none of your concern, especially when you’re bleeding out on the street,” he growled.

This was stupid. They shouldn’t be arguing especially considering they were _both_ right and just too stubborn to admit it. Ben was going to get himself killed, either by the Resistance or the First Order, once they found out that he was helping her. He was an idiot, and she was... so worried about him.

_Worried about me? Are you kidding, Rey? You could have been killed!_

_Ben, how the hell are we going to make this work?_

Ben chewed his lip before ducking his body and lifting her against him. Rey let out an indignant squawk before groaning as her shoulder throbbed, but he seemed to be beyond caring about whether he offended her sensibilities.

“I don’t know what we’re going to do, and right now, I don’t care. The only thing I care about is getting you some bacta and making sure those Stormtroopers don’t find us.”

 _They’re your people,_ she thought.

_And they’ve been instructed to kill you._

_Well, they almost did!_ Rey laughed, humor dark, but the effort hurt and she mostly sputtered before she was hit with a sudden realization. “You’re here, Ben.”

His frustration shimmered through their bond. “I’m here, Rey.”

“But like, _really, here_!” she said before reaching up to weakly tug at his tunic. “I thought we were, you know, _connecting._ ”

 _You really have lost a lot of blood..._ Came his concerned reply, but she was _ecstatic_.

“Ben... It was worth it,” she admitted, more than a little delirious.

Ben sighed as his grip tightened around her. “You really are a fool, scavenger.”

“You’re the one in love with me,” she pointed out. _What kind of fool does that make you?_

She could almost swear that she felt the beginnings of a laugh rumbling against her abdomen, unfortunately, Rey blacked out again before she could tease him for making _such_ an undignified sound.

* * *

The first thing Rey realized when she came to was that she was _very_ warm, but also tightly restrained, which she did not enjoy one bit. It reminded her of when she’d get tangled up in her hammock and bantha wool blanket on Jakku. She _hated_ that. Sometimes, the blanket would work its way up around her neck and she’d wake, sweaty and gasping, as the blanket tried to choke the life out of her, at least, it had always seemed like it was trying to kill her in those instances. She couldn’t seem to move, so Rey had to suffer in silence as people complained, _loudly_ , near where she was laid out.

“I know I don’t have to tell you that I have a bad feeling about this. This was rotten from the start,” a distorted, female voice said.

“I know I don’t have to remind you of your place, Vadon,” replied Ben.

“Hux will have your head for this if he finds out,” another female voice chimed in, this one without the voice modulator distortion. She sounded more amused than upset.

“I neither answer to Hux nor either of you. If you are both finished, I believe I’ll need some time alone with the scavenger.”

“Scavenger, is it now?” the distorted voice laughed, an unsettlingly hollow sound.

“Come, love,” the other woman said. “Time is short.”

Rey felt as their Force signatures faded somewhat as they drew further away, and was certain she heard an annoyed and modulated, “Couldn’t he have chosen a _closer_ location?” but she still couldn’t quite muster the energy to open her eyes. Rey reached out with her feelings and connected with Ben. He was worried about her and she tried to soothe him, even as the sedatives kept her immobile.

_I’ll be fine. Where am I?_

_My shuttle. I managed to get you off planet. Undetected._

_My friends are going to be looking for me._

_I’ve anticipated that. Where I’m going, you’ll be able to make contact._

_Ben, your friend is right. This is a bad idea._

_She isn’t my friend, she’s my Knight. But Fuore didn’t object, so my idea can’t be that bad._

Rey wasn’t sure what he meant by that at all. _I’m not going to pretend to know what you’re talking about, but I trust you, Ben._

A hand gently brushed against her brow. _Sleep, Rey. We’ll be there before you know it._

 _Where...?_ she thought while fighting to keep herself conscious.

 _Naboo. Varykino,_ he thought with discernible fondness.

 _Leia... She’ll..._ Rey thought, but before she could finish, the sedative knocked her out cold.

* * *

GET IN, BITCHES. WE’RE GOING TO NABOO. Let’s have some fun before the giant ginger cat is out of the bag. _SO MUCH FUN._ *cough* Smut *cough* Anyone actually been to Lake Como, where they filmed the Varykino scenes? I’ve been to Northern Italy, but not Lake Como. I’ve seen pictures and I hear it’s gorgeous, but so much of Italy is gorgeous lol.

This chapter is dedicated to @high-lady-of-the-night for getting on my ass about it (THANK YOU). Chapter title is taken from the loooovely The Weeknd song, _Call Out My Name,_ which has nothing to do with this story or chapter, really, but I wrote listening to it. Any mistakes are my ownnnnnnn. Though the smut gave my grammar checker a run for its money lol.

ALSO! Tumblr BJ Anon Prompt (lol)! This one is for you ;) The second part of that wishlist should be coming up soon!

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thank you for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**


	11. Illuminate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was heavily inspired by Illuminate by Wildes and today’s special word is “Reckless.” THIS CHAPTER IS RATED E (the last third/half? I’ll mark it with ****).

When Kylo saw her there, crumpled over in that alleyway, he’d almost thought he was too late. He’d come close to losing her once before to Snoke, and if he lost her... It would all mean nothing without her. Never mind that he’d nearly exposed himself by bolting from the fight. Never mind that Hux had clearly orchestrated the entire event. Never mind that half the fucking galaxy would find out that Kylo Ren was in love with the last Jedi. All that mattered was getting to her and getting her off of Lothal. What was it about desert planets setting the stage for major life changes?

They were nothing, backwater planets that had been drained by the Empire and, if Hux had his way, they’d be drained by the First Order. But that was why he was there, and not Hux. Had the general been upset that Kylo had wanted to oversee the mission himself? Or had it been a show meant to push Kylo into his own death, and one that could be blamed on local insurgents? It didn’t matter right now. He would deal with Hux when the time came. The only thing that mattered now was getting Rey to safety.

It wasn’t the first time he’d flown with an unconscious Rey in his shuttle, but he was hoping it would be the last. Though Kylo had managed to stop her from bleeding out with his powers, she’d need to be treated properly with bacta to mitigate the scarring and any lingering pain. Kylo hated the thought of her being hurt because of him.

And now he was flying to the only place in the galaxy that had ever meant anything to him, with the woman who meant more to him than the entire galaxy. He was so kriffed. He couldn’t stay long, not more than a week before he’d be expected to make an appearance. His Knights would buy him some time, but eventually, he’d have to go back.

_Do you have to return? Is there another way to resolve this conflict?_

Once, he’d been certain of his path, absolute in his convictions and blinded by faith. But now, uncertainty reigned supreme. His thoughts were never straightforward when it came to Rey. He was reckless for her love. She managed to override every scrap of sense that he possessed; she’d slashed apart the world that he’d constructed for himself out of the ruins of his previous life. She’d shown him that there could be _more._ And how could he repay her? Kylo wasn’t sure of much, but he was certain that he should be helping her—that was why he’d risked his own neck to find her, wasn’t it? That she’d been targeting a First Order mission was incidental to the fact that she was hurt and he needed to fix it. Every time they were together, the galaxy felt a little more balanced, but when they were at odds, or when they were _apart,_ it all became unbearable.

He’d held Rey tight throughout most of the journey as Vadon had navigated through uncharted territories before finally hitting the hyperspace lane near the Tharin sector. Rey was in and out of consciousness, though the pharma seemed to be keeping the pain at a minimum. Sometimes, he’d doze off as he held her and it almost felt as if their dreams combined.

_She was young and alone. Arms wrapped tight around herself as she lay in the AT-AT that was her home; she waited and waited and waited._

_He was young and alone. Droids humming throughout his home on Chandrila while his mother worked and his father wandered as he waited and waited and waited._

He knew that sometimes, in her dreams, she’d see a boy who looked suspiciously like him—dark features, sullen face, Force signature radiating loneliness. Had she dreamed of him before? He’d thought perhaps he used to imagine someone like her, waiting for him somewhere out there in the galaxy.

_Waiting. Waiting. Waiting._

They didn’t have to wait any longer.

When they slipped into the Naboo atmosphere, Fuore was all smiles.

“You’re learning, _Master,_ ” she said. Her inflection was always faintly mocking, but given that she could see what others could not, Kylo didn’t let it bother him. How could one as powerful as Fuore Ren take anything seriously when she was able to divine the outcome of the future?

“You’re taunting. You think this is a bad idea,” he returned.

Fuore’s beautiful dark face split into a grin. “You know I don’t follow fools. It’ll mean nothing without her,” she added, her long red hair swaying as she nodded towards Rey. Kylo had long gotten used to her being able to divine his true feelings, so the fact that she mirrored his own sentiments concerning Rey was more calming than anything. He and Rey, they were two parts of a whole. Equals. He’d always felt that way. She called out to the aching loneliness within him and now that he had her in his life, he wasn’t going to let her go.

Time passed quickly once they were planetside and Vadon reiterated her desire for him to at least _consider_ getting another ship before they were found out. “One that isn’t _quite_ so recognizable,” she muttered through the vocalizer as she stared navigated. He could tell by the set of her shoulders and the cock of her dark helmet that she disapproved of _everything_.

“Noted and unnecessary,” Kylo replied, knowing full well that Fuore had already disabled the tracking system on his command shuttle.

So what if his ship was recognized? He was Supreme Leader of the galaxy and he could come and go as he pleased. Part of him _wanted_ his mother to know that he was in Naboo at Varykino. Would she wonder if Rey was with him? Or did she already know? She’d always seemed to know when he was about to do something as a child, even before he did, despite the fact that she was always busy with her senatorial duties.

In his heart, he knew that Leia was aware that there was more going on between Rey and him than Rey let on. He wondered if she approved, but dismissed the thought. He’d long since stopped worrying about what his mother wanted, right? The shuttle hummed, settling into the landscape as Kylo held Rey close.

_Liar._

Rey nudged up against his consciousness, picking at his loud thoughts as he disembarked with her, taking long strides over the gravel leading up to the entrance of his family’s great home. Varykino really was stunning even if its familial history was one that was steeped in tragedy. Mid-afternoon sun shimmered off of the lake, giving the surrounding forest an ethereal look. Despite how much had changed for him, he still loved this place.

_Bright summers spent as a child while the Senate was adjourned. His mother’s smile. Sunburn on his pale skin. His father’s laugh._

Every thought that he’d tried to erase came rushing back and Rey picked through them all, sleepily rummaging through the memories in his mind.

 _I’m envious,_ she admitted.

Kylo sighed while carefully taking the steps to the entrance, one by one.

_Maybe... We can make our own memories?_

Rey rubbed her nose into his chest. “Mmmmm...,” was all she could manage with the sedative still running through her veins.

 _Ben... I would like that,_ she thought while the huge door to his childhood opened once again. As Kylo Ren took his first steps into the beautiful, ancient home, he realized that there was no turning back now—not for Kylo Ren or for Ben Solo, either.

* * *

The staff wasn’t the same and the familiar faces from his childhood had long since moved on. It was lucky that Rey was with him. They might not have seen the familiar shadows of his mother or father in his face, but the servants _did_ know Rey and they rushed to ready a room—a _shared_ room—for them both.

“Alert General Organa that Rey the Jedi is in Varykino and that she’s safe,” he instructed a meek-looking human male who went by Cordin. Small, his ochre face youthfully rounded, Cordin avoided eye contact and ducked his dark head before asking, “Emm. Yes, sir. And from whom should I say this message is from?”

“Tell her...,” he paused, taking a moment to consider his next words carefully. Things had changed and, though he did not agree with his mother’s methods, he’d come to understand that he wasn’t unaffected by all that had happened. That he wasn’t quite Kylo Ren any longer, at least, not _here._

 _Here_ he was something else. He waited until Corbin was staring into his eyes before he instructed, “Tell her that Rey is with her son, Ben. And that she’s safe and will be returned to the Resistance unharmed.”

Corbin straightened when he realized that he was talking to General Organa’s son. “Of course, sir. Is there anything else you require while you wait?”

He stared into his eyes before letting his Force powers connect with the man. He could feel his fear and desire to gossip, which wouldn’t do at all. “I require your discretion. Use a secure connection and _only_ give your message to General Organa herself. No one else is to know we are here. Once you have given this message, you will forget this conversation. Do you understand?” Ben’s voice resonated with the power of the Force as it flowed from him.

Corbin’s shoulders sank a little as Ben’s power seemed to settle over the man. Finally, he nodded. “Of course, sir. I understand, sir.”

“Leave us, then. Only return once our room has been prepared,” Ben directed.

As the man rushed to obey, Rey distracted him with her thoughts as she shifted in his lap. _Ben..._

_Hmm?_

_You feel different here._

_Sleep, Rey. There’s a medical droid on reserve here. It will help you, but so will sleep._

Rey grunted softly. _You’re trying to distract me, Ben._

 _Ben... Ben... Ben..._ she thought, the feel of his name resonating from her through to him. For the first time in a long time, it felt natural _._ He felt like _Ben_. Not quite Solo, just Ben. But she could feel it too and as she fell asleep in his arms, he could feel the happiness radiating from within her and couldn’t help but share it.

* * *

It didn’t take long for the staff to get the room together and the medical droid was quick and efficient, assuring Ben that there shouldn’t be any scarring, but that there might be some residual pain for a few days. That wasn’t quite good enough for him, so he reached out with his powers and was sure to ease the healing along as best he could.

One of the maids left out some loose clothes for Rey to wear, but Ben declined her offer to find something suitable for him. For all he knew, the only clothes left in Varykino may have belonged to his father and he wasn’t quite ready to have that suspicion confirmed. Luckily, he’d traveled with clothing that he’d intended to use on Lothal, which Vadon had transferred from the command shuttle.

After changing into some loose pants, Ben watched as Rey slept. She lay curled away from him on the big, canopied bed. The staff had aired out the room, opening the glass doors to the balcony that overlooked the lake. Spring was settling over Naboo, which he secretly loved. When the flowers bloomed, the fragrance mixed with the gentle breeze from the lake and wafted through the entire home. It made everything feel like a dream. And that Rey was with him— _really with him—_ no with distractions to hinder them.

The sun cast Rey in an otherworldly glow as she slept and Ben thought that he’d never experienced a more perfect moment in his life. Still, he could feel her through the Force. She must have been dreaming, for the loneliness echoed through her Force connection. Maybe remembering her past on Jakku? Her parents were lucky they were dead. Ben took a breath to calm himself and instead focus on the beautiful woman sleeping nearby.

He knew what it was like to grow up lonely. Memories of Rey wrapping her own arms around her middle as a child, trying to mimic the feeling of being held, filtered into his mind. He could make this better. He could _fix this._ Ben crossed the room, slid onto the bed carefully moved towards where she lay before curling his big body around her small frame. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone. That, if she let him, he’d make it so she’d never be alone again.

Rey murmured, just faintly enough that he couldn’t make out her words.

“What is it?” he asked. Maybe he’d done something wrong—maybe she didn’t want him touching her. The bond they had through the Force was one thing, but maybe she was able to dismiss it all as some sort of strange fantasy? Did he pale in comparison when they were both faced with reality?

It took her a minute to come around enough to ask, “Ben. Is this real?”

“Yeah, it is,” he murmured against the corner of her brow. She rolled around till she was facing him, snuggling tight against his chest as he worked his arms around her again.

“It’s so comfortable. Your bed _is kriffing awful_ and my bunk is always so cramped. What is this? This is...,” she trailed off.

“Rey?”

“Mmm... Don’t leave, okay? Promise... Promise that you won’t go...?” she added quietly.

Ben’s heart lurched. He, of all people, knew what it felt like to be alone and waiting.

_I’ll never leave you. No matter what happens, I’ll always find my way back to you. You never have to be alone again._

He waited for her response through their connection, but she was snoring softly against his chest, which was possibly the most endearing thing he’d ever experienced. She was perfect to him but so human. Strong and fragile. A living, breathing contradiction that he simultaneously was worried for and impressed with. She didn’t need him, if anything, _he_ needed her. But she wanted him, and that made all the difference to Ben. For the first time that he could remember, someone was choosing him over everything else, even though it was dangerous for them both, even though the Resistance would brand her a traitor for her actions. She loved him, against all odds and sense.

It was the only thing he’d ever really wanted, and it had come from the last place he expected. He’d never be good enough for her, but she’d chosen him just the same. Ben lay there, strong arms wrapped around the slight body of Rey, thinking of all the ways he would cherish this moment in the days and weeks to come. Finally, he fell asleep, his big body curled around hers. His last thoughts were of how he’d give anything to be able to keep her, just like this, forever.

* * *

Ben woke up to the realization that Rey was still with him, with her head pillowed on his chest, and her legs entwined with his own. It took him a moment to realize that it wasn’t a dream—not even the Force connecting them—she was really and truly beside him in bed. Part of him wanted to lay there for as long as possible, just take in the moment and let it wrap around his heart until the only thing that remained of him was this one, perfect moment. Part of him wanted to press gentle kisses to her brow until she woke.

Unfortunately, neither of those fantasies was fulfilled as Rey startled herself awake, pulling back abruptly before she exclaimed, “Oh, _shit!_ Finn! They’re going to think I’m dead—my friends. They’re going to be so worried!”

Rey looked frantic as he worked to keep himself from feeling jealous. He liked that there were people who cared about her. She deserved to be loved and cherished more than any person he’d ever met, still, it wasn’t exactly thrilling to hear her call another man’s name after she’d been sleeping with _him._

With a huff, he assured her, “The servants sent a message to my mother. She knows you’re safe.”

Rey visibly relaxed at that news, except there was more to it than he was sharing and she knew it.

“You told her.” It wasn’t a question.

“I did,” he admitted. “I wasn’t going to hide it from you.”

“I know. I just... I think she already knew? Chewie knows. He doesn’t really approve, but I think he still cares for you, Ben.”

It wasn’t really the conversation he wanted to be having right now, and she seemed to sense that and let it drop.

“Do you think she’ll tell the others?”

 _Do you think they’ll think I’m a traitor?_ floated, unspoken between them.

 _You owe them exactly nothing,_ he reminded her.

_The same goes for you, Ben. In this, we’re something that’s not quite right. Something outside of their experience. The only time I feel as if I fit is when I’m with you—the one person in the galaxy that I shouldn’t feel this way for._

_So, I don’t have to worry about you running back to... your friend?_

He couldn’t help it, couldn’t ignore that little voice inside of him that said he was worthless, and that there was no way someone like her could see anything in someone like him. Rey cocked her head to the side, not understanding until she reached out with her feelings and finally understood.

With a frown, she cupped his scarred cheek and said, “Finn is my _friend_ and I love him as I love all of my friends. But Ben, you have to understand that what I have with you isn’t like what I have with my friends. I’m _in_ love with you.”

He was being insecure, and he knew it. Why couldn’t he just enjoy the moment with her without his issues getting in the way? Rey leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on the edge of his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Thank you... and thank you for saving my life,” she said with a smile.

“I would do anything to keep you safe. Anything in my power,” he assured her.

 _Same,_ she replied. _If we were together more often, it would be a lot easier to keep our promises._

Ben’s sigh shuddered through him. He couldn’t go back with her. Not to the Resistance, but maybe he could change things from the inside? He’d consider that thought later, but for now... The thin fabric of Rey’s sleeping gown slipped low over her shoulder, exposing her precious freckles.

 _What?_ she asked as he stared.

 _You look like an angel,_ he told her as he blushed, and she grinned at him.

“If I’m an angel, what does that make you?”

“Tempting devil?” he replied, which made Rey laugh.

The corners of his own mouth twitched in response before curving fully. It felt _strange,_ but right, smiling with her. She drew out the happiness from the dark spaces of his soul and forced him to revel in her love.

This time, Rey blushed.

_What’s wrong?_

_Oh, you’re just very handsome when you smile like that,_ she admitted before leaning into his body and ducking her head under his chin.

 _Wasn’t I handsome before?_ he teased. He was getting better at this. He’d do better _for her._

_I think you have known how handsome you are for a very long time. It’s just that you’re usually so serious looking, it’s easy to forget that you can be quite charming._

_Only with you. Only ever with you._

Rey laughed. _I almost believe that._

“How do you feel?” Ben changed the subject. He wanted them both to enjoy this moment as much as possible.

“Mmm, good and bad,” she said before snuggling further down on his chest. Her nose brushed against his nipple and Ben had to catch his breath. This was going to get out of hand if he didn’t do something to control his reactions.

 _Don’t. Don’t control it,_ she urged him. And who was he to deny her? He’d never been very good at suppressing his feelings, anyway.

“What do you want, Rey?” he asked around the sudden thickness in his throat.

“I think you know what I want. What I’ve wanted for some time now.” Rey lifted herself up to look at him, hazel eyes clear and determined as she caught his gaze. “What do you want, Ben?” she asked. Ben was suddenly quite breathless as he scanned her face before his eyes focused on her lips.

_You. I’ve only ever wanted you._

He felt through their connection that it was enough for her, more than enough, for it mirrored the sentiment in her own heart.

Rey nibbled her lip as her nervous energy slipped from her to him. “I’ve never done this before—well, not _really_.”

Ben blushed. _The only person I’ve ever really been with at all is you._

 _So, we’ll figure this out together?_ she thought as her lips curved into a smile.

 _Figure this out?_ he wondered and Rey scrunched her nose at him before sending him thoughts of exactly what she wanted to happen between them.

 _Oh,_ he thought, eloquently. He had been expecting more of what they’d already shared when she’d anticipated something else entirely _._

“I _really_ don’t know what I’m doing, then,” he started and Rey laughed.

“How much don’t you know? I mean, I can explain it to you...,” she teased while trying her best to smother another laugh.

“Funny. I know _how_ it works, I just haven’t ever....”

“And here I thought I was going to have to have explain the logistics of it all,” she said with a grin.

_Alright, sweetheart. You’ve made your point._

“Well, Ben. When two individuals love each other _very much,_ or maybe when they _like_ each other very much....”

“How is your shoulder?” he interrupted, suddenly serious, which seemed to surprise Rey.

“Urm?” She wiggled her body. “Feels pretty good, actually. Anyway, as I was saying, when two aliens love each other very much....”

But Rey couldn’t finish because she quickly found herself pinned beneath the _big,_ hard body of Ben. Hands pressed into the pillows above her head, Ben held her tight as he lay half on top of her.

“Hey!” Rey squeaked.

Ben pressed his mouth to her neck and murmured. “How about you put that mouth of yours to better use?”

“Speak for yourself!” she joked.

Ben shifted so that both of her wrists were held in one of his big hands before slowly trailing a path down her body.

 _Oh..._ Her thoughts were muddled and expectant, which meant she wouldn’t see it coming. All at once, Ben’s fingers dug gently into her side, tickling his surprised captive.

“Ben!” she squealed between peals of laughter.

_This isn’t fair!_

_Has no one taught you that life isn’t fair?_

Rey wriggled helplessly beneath him until he _finally_ stopped.

“You’re an ass, Ben,” she pouted, but he could feel her happiness radiating through their bond.

“ _Your_ ass, sweetheart,” he reminded Rey as he pulled back to look at her. Breathless and beneath his body, Ben thought she’d never looked more lovely. Rey’s lips parted slightly as she waited.

As she _wanted._

Ben swallowed thickly as the mood shifted between them into something tense and expectant. _Be patient with me? I don’t know what I’m doing here..._

 _Our experiences would suggest otherwise,_ she teased. _But I trust you. We can do this._

Touch outside of that shared space in the Force was somewhat overwhelming. Ben was more inside his head than ever.

_What if I don’t do this right? Can I make her happy? What if she hates it? What are we doing here? This isn’t going to end well._

Rey, as ever, had a calming effect on him.

_Ben. Just start small. This is a lot for me too._

He rolled onto his side and stared down at her before another important thought entered his mind.

“Are you... urm. I have an implant,” he offered.

Ben groaned internally, had _no_ idea how to bring up the matter of contraceptives without sounding like a complete moof milker, but the last thing they needed to worry about was a pregnancy.

Rey laughed. “Implant, too. Standard issue?” she joked before reaching out and gently pressing her hand to his scarred face.

“Standard issue,” he replied, though his thoughts drifted to the past, yet again, and his childhood of feeling like a burden. Rey brushed her thumb over his lip before shaking her head.

_If we decide ever to have kids, it will be because we’re ready and because we both want to. I promise you, Ben. Never before that moment._

It meant so much to him that she understood. She understood him better than anyone else.

“Changed your mind yet?” he breathed, hoping she _hadn’t_ come to her senses.

“Not on your life, Ben.”

_****This is just the beginning._

Sliding his long legs off the side of the bed, Ben slipped his underwear from around his hips while Rey quickly pulled her gown over her head. And then they sat for a moment, naked and unsure of what to do next.

Rey gave an awkward little laugh before opening her arms. “Come here, Ben.”

 _That_ he could do. Sliding his legs back onto the bed, Ben crawled his way up to her. Rey wrapped herself around him and they lay, skin to skin.

With her head pillowed on his chest, Rey murmured, “I can hear your heartbeat. Are you nervous?”

 _I don’t want to hurt you,_ he admitted, which was true, but he also didn’t want to disappoint her.

“Mmm, I was worried about that too—first time and all. So I asked Jess. She says, as long as you’re relaxed and, most importantly, _ready,_ it should be fine,” Rey explained.

Ben furrowed his brow. “Ready?”

Rey nudged his chest with her nose before managing, “Erm. Wet. The wetter, the better.”

Ben choked and Rey started to giggle, which then turned into a full laugh.

“Sex is kind of hilarious, isn’t it?” she said while she snickered.

Ben tightened his arms around her. “Maybe a little,” he agreed. He supposed it was just a culmination of everything they’d already done and felt for each other, still. That first time. It all felt surreal.

“Well, why don’t we start with something we _know_?” Rey suggested as her hand slipped low on his abdomen before wrapping around his length, but Ben stopped her.

“Believe me, Rey. I _don’t_ need any help,” he assured her. The last thing he needed was to be any more amped up than he already was. He had a hard time keeping his wits about him when he was near her and couldn’t imagine how much control he’d have when he was inside her.

“Well, what do you have in mind?” she asked.

The corner of Ben’s lip curled as he gently pressed her into the soft mattress before angling himself above her. Slowly, purposefully, Ben kissed down her body, stopping to suck her nipples into stiff peaks before continuing on and low. Rey obligingly spread her legs and he could feel how much she wanted him there, lapping at her sex.

_Your tongue... You’re a fast learner._

_I aim to please, sweetheart,_ he thought as his lips pressed a gentle kiss to her core. Threading through the soft down at the apex of her thighs, Ben slipped his fingers between her lips as he slicked his fingers inside her. Tongue dipping, Ben swirled along that little pearl of pleasure, teasing it out till it was hard between his hips. Rey let out breathless little noises as her hands slid into his thick hair, pulling tight when the sensation was _just_ right, or when it was not enough.

His fingers slipped inside, pressing in time with the incessant licks of his tongue. Rey rolled her hips in an effort to get _closer_ and Ben almost smiled against her skin. He loved when she was like this—wanton, perfect, _his._ It didn’t take long before she was writhing beneath him, before she was calling out _his name_ as her body was flooded with sensation.

Rey let out a low purr as she tugged at his body, pulling him up so that she could kiss him.

_Please, I’m ready, Ben._

_Alright, sweetheart,_ he thought with a final kiss on her brow.

Carefully, Ben shifted his big body between her legs and angled his cock.

“Tell me... if it’s too much,” he urged her. He was _a lot_ to take and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her.

“I’m pretty tough,” she said with a grin.

_I know, but here you shouldn’t have to be. Tell me, Rey. I... want this to be good for both of us._

Rey trailed her fingers along the angle of his jaw. “I love you, Ben.”

That did get a smile from him. A little on the small side, but it was there and real as he replied, “I love you, too.”

With a breath, Ben positioned himself against her entrance, sliding along the seam of her sex, and coating the head of his length with her slickness, but also _teasing._

 _“Ben,”_ she growled.

Ben let out a puff of air that could have almost been mistaken for a laugh. “Anything for you, Rey.”

And then he pressed into her and the moment solidified around them both. All he knew was that he belonged to her, belonged _with her,_ in this moment and forever. Inch by inch, he pressed onwards, conscious of the subtle shifts in her breath as she adjusted to the fullness of his length. Ben, for what it was worth, was ecstatic and just _barely_ able to contain himself. She was so slick and warm and fit him as tight as a glove as she stretched around him. It was _a lot_ for him to process.

Rey bit her lip, eyes closed, as her hands pressed low on his back, wordlessly urging him on. He could feel the sensation was strange for her, not bad, just different _._ But all at once the realization hit him—where they were, what they were doing, whom he was _inside._

“I’m in you...,” he breathed. “Oh, _Maker. I’m inside you.”_

Rey arced her back as he pressed on until he was seated completely within her. Her nails trailed down the thick muscles of his back as she worked to relax around him, lip caught between her teeth as her body familiarized itself with the feel of him.

 _First blood._ She’d probably bleed a little, even though he’d tried to keep from hurting her, but she was his first in every way, and he hers. He could feel her discomfort fade as he tried to hold himself still within her. It was overwhelming to feel her stretch around him—silky warm. She was fucking _made_ for him, he was sure of it.

 _Sometimes, it feels like that’s true. Move, Ben. Slowly?_ she urged as her legs slid around his back as best she could.

Ben shifted his hips, and they both moaned at the movement.

_Can you feel...?_

_Are you able to...?_

_Oh, kriff..._ they thought together.

_This is..._

_Something..._

If it was always going to feel like it did, Ben didn’t think they were going to get much of anything done for the next few days. Rey laughed at that thought before catching his lips with her own.

“For now, it’s us,” she reminded him. “We can do whatever we want, whenever we want.”

It had been a _long_ time since either was wholly in control of their own destinies and Ben could feel that Rey meant to enjoy every moment of their time together. Closing her eyes as he moved within her, Rey let him _feel_ what she felt—the press of his hips into her own, the warmth of his chest as he leaned atop her, the way his bare skin felt _within her—_ hot hard, slick, pressing tight, filling Rey and completing her in a way that she hadn’t anticipated.

 _Fuck..._ he thought. It was so much more than he’d thought to expect. Getting the rhythm was a little harder than he’d anticipated, not that he’d expected to be great at it, but managing a consistent pace was difficult when your lover was inside your head, murmuring obscenities.

But he found that he liked her dirty mind, especially when it was directed towards him. She was, as ever, more sure and confident than he was, and Ben had to wonder just how long she’d been imagining this moment for.

Rey smiled up at him before slipping her leg up higher on his back. He got the hint, hand gripping tight on her thigh, pressing into her supple flesh to hook her leg over his shoulder. The angle was perfect for both of them and soon he was blissful and near-mindless as he relentlessly pressed into her body, searching for the movement that would push them both higher.

Except, something was off. Not bad, but not quite right, either. Ben stared down at Rey and she smirked back.

“I want to be on top of you,” she admitted, breathlessly.

And Ben _very nearly_ came at her utterance. He could feel how much she wanted to be on top. The thought of watching her as she took her pleasure from his body went _straight_ to his cock. Taking a deep _,_ long breath, Ben tried to focus to keep from ending the moment prematurely.

_Ben, don’t be ridiculous. I want you to enjoy this, too. I love watching your face as you come!_

Ben groaned. _There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no passion, there is serenity,_ he thought, repeating the old Jedi mantra.

Rey laughed from beneath him and tilted her head up to place a kiss on his lips. When he finally had control over his body, he pulled her tight with a quick movement and rolled till she straddled his hips. From this position, he could see _every_ curve of her beautiful body. The flush that colored her cheeks and extended to her chest. How tight and ruby red her nipples were—but more than all of that. He could see where they were joined together, could arc his neck forward and stare as she lifted her hips, before dropping back down around him, impaling herself on his cock.

Ben let out a string of curses as Rey tested the feel of him within her. Twisting her hips as she found her own rhythm. Rey bent forward and let her nails trail over his broad chest.

“Maker _!_ You feel so good, Ben.”

He’d always felt too big for his own skin—gangly and awkward, but Rey didn’t see him like that at all. To her, he was...

_Perfect. Kriff, Ben. Do you have any idea how handsome you are? How badly I didn’t want to look away that first time I saw you stripped to the waist?_

_Tell me,_ he urged as his thumb sought out that little pearl between her legs. The one he’d loved so thoroughly with his mouth. It was swollen and slick from both his tongue and her own wetness, which he loved because it was _so_ easy to tease that way.

_Oh... You’re so broad and gods, you were glistening, Ben. I wanted to trail my hands over your skin. Touch each freckle. Trace the lines of your scars... even though I shouldn’t have wanted any of that. I wanted you, even then._

Ben loved to hear her thoughts, to know that she’d been just as lost to him as he was her. His tongue darted between his teeth as he fought to control himself. Ben pressed his thumb tight against her, circling as Rey ground into him from above. She was close, _so close,_ but he wanted more than that for her. More than just a quick high and a moment of bliss. He wanted her to need him as much as he needed her. Ben watched and let her _feel_ how much he loved and desired her, how good she made him feel. Rey whined atop him, whipping her hips as she tried and tried and _tried_ to find that sweet release. Ben slipped his free hand around her hip and pulled her _hard_ into him, earning a needy cry from Rey.

“B-en!” she gasped as he pressed onwards, pushing her higher with his hand and cock.

Staring up at her, the corner of his mouth quirked as he shifted his hand, sliding from between her legs to hitch tight over her hips as he pulled her to a stop.

“Wh-what?” she gasped. He could _feel_ how close she’d been, but he wanted this to last; _kriff,_ he wanted it to last _forever._

“Say it again,” he begged. The way her voice caught on the syllable of his name... _his name._

“Make me,” she grinned before shimming in his lap. Ben growled as she clenched _tight._

_Wicked girl. Say it._

Rey slipped her hands up her trim stomach, rising to cup her slight breasts. Eyes lidded as she pressed into her own touch.

“Ma-ake _me,_ ” she gasped while plucking her nipples tight. Ben felt as if he was going to combust. That if everything were to end _right at that very moment,_ he’d die happy with the image of her above him, cock deep within her as she teased him to madness. It would be burned into his soul for eternity.

_And, gods. He was going to make her scream his fucking name._

_Over and over._ Until she was hoarse and spent and couldn’t think around the pleasure that only he could give her. _Only him_. He’d always been single-minded in his pursuits and her pleasure would be no different. He wasn’t going to be able to forget this night. Hells, he’d not been able to forget any _moment_ shared between them, but this was something more. Something that felt blissfully eternal and hard fought.

It was only the beginning, and the night was long.

 

* * *

A/N~ FIRST OF ALL. The amazing [@tellcassiopeia made a fucking fan video for this story](https://tellcassiopeia.tumblr.com/post/172702358715/i-havent-written-comments-in-every-chapter-of) and I love her so much I could die. It’s the song that inspired this story initially and it’s just so great. Thank you, lovely! And wonderful as ever, the @galacialreylo did some [lovely mood boards](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/pacificwanderer/173140620663) to help inspire me for this chapter—thank you so much. AND ALSO. Thank you all so much for the notes, comments, kudos etc. You don’t know how much it all means to me and I’m so happy to be able to share in this whole Reylo world with you all. BEST SHIP IS BEST.

So ABOUT THAT CHAPTER 11.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) SO MUCH FOR STARTING SMALL HAHAHAHAHA. LBR though, get those two in a room for more than 5 minutes and they’ll move from hand-touching to A LOT MORE pretty damn quickly. These were my chapter notes going into this segment: Fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck. JAJAJAJAJAJ. So there’s more to come.

_To come._

_HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA._

OH GOD. My Brain is fucking fried. It’s been a weird couple of weeks, but thanks for your patience and support. I didn’t want it to just be like one and done (because these kids only have a _few days),_ so there’s more smuuuuuuut to come. Sorry for anyone out there who’s reading for the angst LOL. An edited version is up over on FFnet (under C.Nichole, same story title), if that’s more you’re style.

Will these kids ever get to finish? Will Benny get his? Tune in next time for more smut, same bat time, same bat channel. I am so sorry I am losing it lol. Any mistakes, as ever, are my own darlings that are there to keep me honest and human.

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thanks again for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**


	12. Someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly smut here. Next installment is a little more plotty lol. Marked between **** and ****

Practicality had kept Rey alive on Jakku, but it wasn’t serving her as well now. She didn’t want to be practical. She didn’t want to just scrape by. She wanted to thrive. She wanted...

_Ben._

But she couldn’t have him. Well, not really. Not in any practical, functional way where they weren’t two people on the opposite sides of a war. Two people who shared a union in the Force so powerful that it pulled them together across the expanse of the galaxy.

It wasn’t practical. But the more Rey learned, the more she fought, the more she realized that maybe things weren’t always meant to be practical. There was nothing practical or reasonable about the way he felt when he was beneath her—inside her. It was madness, this love between them, forbidden even.

And yet, when they were together— _really together—_ it was the most sublime thing. How could something that felt so good, be wrong? Rey smiled down at Ben as he begged to hear his name. She liked saying his name, but Rey found she liked the desperation in his voice a little too much as well. Despite her refusal, Ben _had_ become her teacher, in so many ways, and she for him.

And, Maker _,_ didn’t they love to learn together?

Rey knew Ben wouldn’t be able to resist her sensual challenge, and she loved the flash in his eyes as he surveyed her body. Stars _,_ the way he looked at her was almost as heady as his touch—the way he’d always looked at her. He was so focused and acutely aware of _every_ intimate detail about her. She’d expected this to feel different from everything they’d done together through their bond, but Rey hadn’t expected it to feel so important _._

From the way many of her friends and acquaintances talked about sex, Rey had thought that it was more about the pleasure of the moment rather than reaffirming a bond between two people. She’d been wrong. With Ben, it felt like an extension of the love they had for each other. There was passion, of course, and lust, but it was tempered by something strong and as eternal as the Force itself.

“Do you trust me?” he rasped from below.

Rey cocked her head at him. “Of course?”

_There’s something I’ve wanted to try... but I don’t want to frighten you. Just an idea for later..._

Rey raised her eyebrow as he held her steady, still hard and hot within her, as he shared his thoughts—her, facedown and pressed into the bed, body spread and held with the Force as he lifted her ass and... _Maker,_ how he wanted to hear her scream his name.

 _“Oh,”_ she breathed. She did like that. She also found it endearing that he was so drawn to all parts of her body. She’d never felt so cherished before and she was quite unused to the feeling of being someone’s object of desire. She liked experiencing that too.

Rey wiggled, pressing her bottom into Ben’s hips. “See something you like?”

Ben groaned. “Kriff. Yes.”

_I love every part of you, from your freckles to your toes, to... everything in between._

Rey _clenched_ around him as she laughed and Ben let out a low moan as his hands spasmed on her hips.

“Show me then,” she said haughtily, looking to draw a reaction out of him.

“Not now,” he said as his hand slid from her hips and teased that little bud between her legs.

Rey gasped, the sensation of him within her and on her body was overwhelming—he was going to make her scream his name, she was sure of it.

“Ohh...,” she whined as her hips twisted.

The tug of Ben’s Force powers shivered over her body as her arms felt frozen to her sides. She couldn’t touch him? But how was that fair?

“Let me, Rey. Just let me have you,” Ben gasped as his powers held her tight.

Rey rocked her hips in time with his thrusts and his thumb tapped a maddening rhythm on her slick bud, and soon Rey was panting and writhing atop him.

“Please, please, please!” Rey heard herself begging.

It would have been embarrassing if she had any sense at all left. But the only thing she could feel was how good Ben felt inside her and the only thing she could think was how much she liked it when he held her tight, helpless to do anything but receive his pleasure.

She was close, _so close,_ but just before she was able to crest that wondrous peak, Ben stopped moving.

“He-ey!” she gasped, thoroughly pissed that he’d denied her that release.

“Say it,” his deep voice commanded.

Rey stared down into his eyes. “It.”

 _Wicked scavenger,_ he taunted.

_Cruel monster, how can you deny me?_

This time, Ben let the corner of his mouth curve as he opened his mind to her. Days and weeks flashed before her eyes of him—resisting the thought of her, resisting the _reaction_ to her, denying the attraction—until, _finally,_ he gave in and imagined it was her as he fucked into his own hand.

Rey gasped. Of course, she’d known he wanted her, but his ability to overcome and deny his desire was shocking—she hadn’t. Of course, she’d justified it as some sort of perverse inclination, something the dark side of her brain wanted but that she would never acknowledge in the light of day, but she’d never denied herself.

But Ben. And, _Maker,_ when he’d finally given in to that “weakness,” the release at his own hand had been _unbelievable_.

 _I was a bit pent up,_ he deadpanned.

Rey choked. That didn’t even begin to cover it. No wonder he’d been so torn and so merciless with her after Starkiller. He _wanted_ her and he wanted her to know it. His desire for her was overwhelming him and he’d wanted her to know it and to feel it.

She had, but she didn’t realize he’d been denying himself.

 _That time... when I couldn’t see you, was it?_ Rey thought back to the time when they’d connected through the Force, but she couldn’t see him—had that been...?

_Yes, that was the first time... in a long time. But it felt amazing._

“Doesn’t excuse your behavior now,” Rey managed as his thumb took up that slow swirl once again.

“Just say the magic word,” he said, voice strained as he controlled his own reactions.

Rey heard his loud thoughts. _I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me._

She purred at his touch and considered—why deny herself the pleasure he sought to give her? Was compromise not a part of love and, really, after all that Ben had been denied, could she not grant him this one wish?

Rey bit her lip as her head fell back, arms still pinned at her sides with his considerable power. Her hips whipped as she fucked herself in time with Ben’s touch and, just when he was about to pull his hand back to deny her again, she cried, “Be-nnn, _please!_ ”

She could _feel_ as the pleasure radiated through him. _Maker,_ how he loved to hear her say his name—his _real_ name. He let her _feel him,_ his satisfaction at her concession and the way she felt around him—tight and wet and so, _so_ hot—the way she looked, fearless, breathless, beyond beautiful but, most of all, he let her feel how much he loved her.

And that, combined with the delicious swirl of his thumb and the relentless feeling of his cock within her, was enough to push Rey right over that edge of pleasure.

With a cry, Rey sobbed his name as sensation flooded her body and, before she’d finished with her own release she felt Ben beneath her as his muscles clenched while his back arched and his sex throbbed within her. Her orgasm blurred into his and Rey couldn’t tell where her pleasure stopped and Ben’s began—it was too much, too addictive—and shook Rey to her very core.

With a curse and a hot, wet rush, Ben came inside her as Rey dug her knees into his sides, clenching tight and wringing every last drop from his body.

“Rey... Fuck, Rey,” he groaned as he thrust up into her, drawing out those last bits of sensation as he finally stilled.

 _Kriff...._ they thought in unison.

She wouldn’t be able to forget a moment of what she’d felt, of what she’d experienced and she didn’t want to. Let it carry her through the long days and nights without him, let it inspire her to find a solution that would bring him into her life permanently.

Rey purred as he released her from his power, dipping forward as his still semi-hard length remained within her.

“That was... Can we do that again?” she asked while nuzzling into his broad chest.

Ben let out a little laugh as his arms held her tight. “You’re going to be the death of me, sweetheart,” he joked.

 _As long as we go together, it won’t be so bad, will it?_ she wondered as her fingers trailed a slow path between his freckles.

 _As long as we’re together,_ he affirmed.

They could take on the galaxy itself as long as they were together. Rey dozed on his warm chest as she listened to his heartbeat and she thought that she’d never felt more complete or safe in her entire life.

She would find a way to make this moment last and bring him into her life—permanently. Rey didn’t know how, but she trusted in herself and the Force that she’d find a way.

* * *

She hadn’t been expecting what it would feel like to actually wake up next to Ben. Though they’d shared a bed together many times before, the feeling through the bond wasn’t as sharp as it was here. Here, she could sense every part of him pressing into every part of her, feel his broad chest as it expanded while he slept—calm and dreamless, for once—and listen to his soft snore. There was no time limit, at least, not for now. Rey could just lay and enjoy the moment, except...

_He is so kriffing warm._

She wasn’t used to it. Back on Jakku, she’d dream of what it would feel like to be held by someone, _anyone._ And she loved it, really she did, but Rey stretched her leg out from under the scant covers, trying to catch the breeze that filtered in from the balcony so she could cool herself a little.

Rey tried not to disturb Ben as he slept, but when she shifted, he only pulled her tighter against his big body, unconsciously seeking her out as he slept. It was heartwarming and, on a colder planet, or during a different time of the year, it would have been _great._ But, as it was, Rey was beginning to sweat.

With a little huff, Rey stared at Ben as she slowly tried to extricate herself from underneath his big arm, gently peeling herself away from his body as she tried not to wake him up.

She failed.

Ben blinked blearily at her as she froze, half-way through her escape. With a huff, Ben pulled her tight again, and she squawked.

“What?” he mumbled against her shoulder.

“I’m so kriffing hot, Ben!”

He snorted softly as his lips placed lazy kisses on her shoulder. “I know.”

“Not that kind of hot _._ You’re as warm as a heater!” she insisted.

“And you’re like a tiny, chilly wampa,” he teased, doggedly refusing to let her go.

“Tiny? I’m not tiny, you’re just massive, Ben,” she huffed.

“Massive?” he said, amusement coloring his inflection. “I’m not sure how I should take that.”

“As a compliment?” she assured him. “I might not be small, but I do like how big you are.”

“I’m big now? Massive and then big.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re the worst. Stop trying to distract me from getting up. I have to use the ‘fresher.”

Ben pulled his arms back at that, but he still seemed reluctant to let her go. Rey knew the feeling. Now that she knew what it was like to be near him, _really_ near him, it wasn’t an experience she wanted to relinquish either; still, nature called.

And, a little more than that, she wanted a moment to herself. Things had changed between them, but also nothing had changed? Still, she wanted a moment to consider all that had happened during the night, without Ben’s heady gaze on her. He made it so hard to think when he looked at her like he always did.

Rey strode across the room, still nude, and the hard tiles were cool against her feet. The bathroom was a huge, opulent thing—double sinks, sunken bathtub with actual water faucets, and a sonic, which she decided she wanted to use.

After relieving herself, Rey took a moment to shower and, as the dirt evaporated from her body, Rey thought of what could come next. They wouldn’t have much time, but could he really go back to the First Order after what they’d shared? It felt too rightwhen they were together, but ideology strove to keep them apart.

Rey knew that Ben didn’t agree entirely with the methodology of the First Order—she’d seen it and felt from him—but he also wasn’t willing to give himself over to the Resistance when they wanted a restored Republic that would eliminate all systems that had sympathized with the First Order. There couldn’t be a lasting sort of peace if half of the galaxy was alienated. It didn’t work with the Empire and it wouldn’t work now. There had to be some sort of compromise.

Rey hit the digital control pad, and the sonic shut itself off. Taking a moment before she stepped out, Rey looked down at her body and saw that there were still little traces of Ben all over her—love marks lined her chest and her nipples were still flushed red from his mouth and hands. She liked that she’d be able to take a part of him with her, even when she left Naboo, though she wished for a more permanent solution.

 _There will be time for that,_ she rationalized. _Why not enjoy the moment?_

Rey dipped her fingers down along her stomach before sliding between her legs. It surprised her how ready and wanting she was, even after all they’d done to each other. There was an addictive quality to his presence and his touch, an answering darkness that mingled with the light within her. It felt good, almost _too_ good, and Rey wondered what length she’d go to keep this man in her life permanently.

Ben called from the bedroom, no doubt sensing the spike in her Force signature. She couldn’t hide her arousal from him and she didn’t want to.

With a smirk, Rey walked into the bedroom and stared over at Ben from where he sat on the bed. He wasn’t smiling, but he looked as amused as a Loth-cat with a rat in its mouth, which could only mean he was _also_ thinking of the things they’d done, and the things yet to come between them.

Rey reached out with the Force and confirmed her feelings. She saw herself through _his_ eyes—a beacon of light, sensual and alluring, haunting his every thought. He was as weak for her as she was for him.

An image flashed through her mind, one of his, and she could see her body as it lay before him, flushed and slick with sweat and desire, as he kissed a path down her side, lower and lower until he was nuzzling that sweet spot at the apex of her thighs—this was a memory.

 _It can be your future if you desire it,_ Ben sent back and a shiver of pleasure ran through Rey at the thought.

She did want that that and so much more.

Barely covered by the sheets, Ben opened his strong arms wide and waited for her, and Rey couldn’t resist. With a laugh, she ran across the room and launched herself into Ben. Maybe they wouldn’t be getting out of bed quite so soon after all. 

* * *

 

A/N: Bitch what! HOW COME IT'S SO SHORT? Well, me, because I didn't want to post a like 7k chapter ALSO because I need to finish the rest of it up before that happens and I didn't want to make anyone wait any longer, so! Good news! The next installment will be finished over the next few and posted ASAP. Thanks for all the notes, the chats, etc. Y'all are amazing and I love you. Sorry it's taken so long. I was editing a 90k manuscript and then a 70k (THAT NEEDED A LOT OF WORK, oh my god, my tendonitis is killing me). So it kind of sapped all of my energy and will to write. @tellcassiopeia made some lovely mood boards that I need to link to when I'm not so slagged, so thank you to you, lovely! You're so wonderful. And @high-lady-of-the-night for her check-ins. I'd likely get nothing done without her encouragement. Any mistakes are my own and my eyes are bleeding lol.

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thank you for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it-it all seriously means so much to me).**


	13. A Youth Written In Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut between **** and ends at ****

Hours later, Ben dragged her bodily out of the bed, his need for food stronger than her own. After some grumbling, they dressed, but she wasn’t quite ready to let go of the sensation of being near him. Rey stretched her arms up and Ben shook his head a little as he dipped to pick her up. He carried her as if she weighed nothing and, in his arms, she felt safer than she ever had in her entire life. She was trying not to get too used to the feeling, but being loved by this man was addict5ive.

Through the long, opulent hallways, Rey stared as Ben strode easily along, finding his way to the kitchen without any trouble. As he carried her through the entrance, Rey marveled. The room was huge and looked as if it could be used to cook for _hundreds._ Rey wondered if they used to have parties in the lake house, or whether the wealthy just ate a lot.

 _A little of both,_ Ben admitted as Rey nuzzled her nose into his shoulder.

There were several durasteel-looking nanowave stoves as well as conservators that lined the perimeter of the kitchen and Rey could just make out the faint hum of the electronic devices as they passed by.

The staff had been busy and had stocked it since their arrival if the fresh fruits and vegetables were anything to go by. The giant room was as lovely as the rest of the lake house with brushed metal handles, opulent light-fixtures, and great, stone counters. So, of course, it made Rey feel highly inadequate.

She hadn’t needed to use the kitchen herself, the last time she’d been at Varykino as the staff had insisted on helping her, but they were off duty now, which meant it was just her and Ben. Rey could cook... if it wasn’t anything complicated, but she was certain that there wasn’t much that she’d cook that would be able to tempt someone who’d been raised by a former _princess._

“I’ve never seen so much food outside of the mess hall before,” Rey mumbled. She didn’t even know what to _do_ with half of it. Finn and her had experimented with some strange fruits that Rose seemed to love, but both had ended up with horrible stomach aches and a trip to the infirmary after their food adventure. They had stuck with the mess hall offerings after that.

Most of what she ate was either bland or too salty, but it was adequate in portion, which was more than she was used to.

Ben blinked down at her before looking sheepishly at the mass of fruits and vegetables. “This isn’t even half as much as we used to have here,” he admitted.

Rey couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would look like. She knew that Ben came from a world that she’d never really experienced and only ever dreamed about, probably inaccurately. That he could see anything of value in a nobody like her was a source of wonder for Rey but, as ever, Ben sensed her thoughts and assured her.

_You’re better than I deserve. You’re everything to me and even if you come from nothing, it doesn’t define the person you are now._

Rey planted a kiss on his cheek before wiggling out of his arms. “Thanks, Ben. You might start to think otherwise when you realize just how bad my manners are,” she warned him.

“You met Han... My father. Believe me, I didn’t get my manners from him.”

Rey laughed. “He was a little rough around the edges, but I liked it. At least you won’t shun me if I don’t know how to eat something correctly.”

Ben stared down at her. “Open your mouth, stick the food in, chew. You’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, you say that now. But Rose was telling me that your mother is a _princess,_ so you can’t tell me she didn’t pass some of that on to you.”

“How about we just pick something to eat now, instead of worrying about whether we’ll be able to eat it?” he suggested, but that was the issue. Rey wasn’t really sure what to pick.

There were so many foods to choose from, enough that she didn’t have names for all of them, so she didn’t know where to start at all.

“I don’t really know what most of this is, Ben. I grew up on food portions and, well, the Resistance doesn’t have the greatest food.”

“Would you like me to share some of my favorites with you?” he suggested and Rey felt herself relax.

“I would love that, Ben. Nothing too sweet or too rich. I’m not really used to it and it upsets my stomach,” she warned.

Ben leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her brow, before his big hands gripped her hips, surprising Rey as he deposited her on the stone countertop.

“My mother used to say that ‘tables are for glasses, not for asses,’ but I’m going to make an exception for you,” he said before dropping a light kiss on her lips.

Though he didn’t speak of it often, Rey appreciated it when he opened up about his past, especially when he spoke of happy memories. She loved Leia and knew that the General still loved her son dearly.

What was Leia going to think of Rey now? Would she be happy, or would this compromise everything that they were fighting for? The fact that Leia knew they both were at Varykino made things complicated, but what had Rey expected? That she would just stay secretly enmeshed in Ben’s life without there being some consequences? He was still a part of the First Order even though she knew in her heart that he wasn’t committed to that cause, not exactly.

 _If he could be turned..._ A memory echoed within Rey’s mind and she banished the thought. It wasn’t so much turning as it was learning how to find balance, but how to do that...? Rey held in a sigh.

It was nice, to be at Varykino with him. To laugh with him and love him. It felt more right than anything had in ages though Rey’s heart lurched when she stopped to think about it too much.

Once, she’d tried not to get too emotionally invested. Tried to keep her distance and keep her anger fresh because that was the only way to keep herself safe. But she just couldn’t.

Being with Ben felt more real than anything she’d ever experienced. She hadn’t really believed in soul mates, but there was more to the connection between herself and Ben than she was able to understand.

 _The Force keeps connecting us for a reason,_ he thought as he puttered around the kitchen.

“Mmm,” she said, though it wasn’t much of an answer.

She had made the decision to let the Force do as it willed and surely it wouldn’t be pushing her towards more heartbreak, would it? Rey sighed before consciously changing her thoughts. She watched as Ben moved his big body around the kitchen and was happy to realize that he seemed perfectly at home there.

“Didn’t expect that you’d be able to cook at all,” she marveled.

“Mother insisted I learn,” he offered and Rey smiled.

It would be like Leia to insist that her son be able to feed himself. She wondered whether Leia thought of the same memories when she saw them all in the mess hall. Did the memory of Ben Solo haunt her everywhere she went, as it did Rey?

 _I’m more literal than a memory,_ Ben reminds her.

_Sometimes, you are. Sometimes, it feels as if I’m siphoning memories that shouldn’t be mine._

_I feel the same way about you,_ he replied while he reached into a drawer and grabbed out a huge knife.

 _When in doubt, blame the Force,_ Rey teased, though she was half serious. Ever since she’d found BB-8, the Force had been pushing and pushing her along. But where it would lead next was anyone’s guess.

Rey wiggled her feet in the air. It was nice to be cared for, plus it gave her a chance to sit and watch as Ben worked. No matter what he was doing, he was endlessly fascinating to her. That broad body which always seemed to be afraid of taking up too much space. The way his shoulders hunched a little as he worked, chopping away at what looked to be something delicious. He hadn’t bothered with a shirt, and Rey was eternally grateful for that.

 _Maker, that back, and ass..._ she thought before she could stop herself.

 _I heard that,_ he thought without pausing in his work.

Rey tried to guard her thoughts a little. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Ben knowing that she found him to be beautiful, but it was a little embarrassing _how much_ she desired him.

She thought back to the night they’d shared and the many different things they’d experienced together. It felt like another life and didn’t much feel like the first time they’d been linked by the Force. It was more powerful, more seductive.

There was a darkness between them, like a phantom pain, that was only truly overcome when they were together. Though Ben felt otherwise, she was no more a bastion of light than he was a denizen of the dark. Apart, they were tugged in opposite directions, pulled towards imbalance, but together, there was harmony.

And when they were _together-together,_ there was an unending kind of bliss, as if the Force itself was encouraging their connection and heightening the pleasure between them. She’d found herself in his head at different intervals throughout the night when his thoughts and feelings echoed through their bond.

He was reverent towards her, but he also coveted her in a way that was just as appealing to Rey. No one had wanted _her_ before, not the way Ben did. He loved and wanted her because she was important to him, just by being herself, and not because of what she could do for him.

****And the thoughts he shared as he pressed within her, as he angled her hips up to heighten her pleasure, were thoughts and feelings that she’d be taking with her and holding in her heart, and her fantasies, for the days to come.

_If I died right now, it would be worth it. She’s so fucking tight, so slick... I can barely keep myself from coming._

Rey had arched her back into his thrusts and felt as if she could stretch herself out inside his mind as well. They were both vulnerable like this. He could see everything she was and she could see the same. But there was trust between them, strange and unusual, but it strengthened them both.

It was hard to concentrate on anything when someone was whispering praises to inside her mind and without. Ben, as she was pleased to find out, had a much filthier mouth that she’d first thought. He put up a good front, but when his emotions got the better of him, his mouth was dirty _._

He begged her to let him keep fucking her. That he’d give her the _entire galaxy_ if she’d just let him stay inside her forever. He thought her breasts were wondrous and loved the little squeaks she let out when he sucked her nipples just a touch too hard. He wanted to trace the path her freckles made across her shoulders with his lips and tongue—nibble right behind her ear, along the spot that made her moan.

And _kriff._ When she came, when her strong legs tightened around his hard, broad waist, when her nails dug into his back, and her Force signature flared—he almost came thinking about it.

Her face, he loved her face, even when she was furious with him, _fuck,_ sometimes he liked it more when she _was._ That little scrunch, the fierce cries she let out, she was every bit a warrior and fought with everything she had. And he loved her, loved her so much he’d do anything to keep her. _Anything._

Rey had skimmed her hand low, pressing into the place where they were joined, dipping around his cock as he slid into her, her curiosity getting the better of her. When she allowed herself into his mind, he looked to where their bodies met. She was _soaking_ and her lush body coated his length and made it so easy for him to take her. His eyes would flutter all over here, not sure where he wished to look next, wishing he could look everywhere at once.

It felt like someone else’s life. It was too good— _she_ was too good. He didn’t deserve... any of it. At those thoughts, Rey had reached up to pinch _hard_ at his nipple, earning herself a low growl.

_Hey! That hurt._

_Good. Think nice things about yourself or I’m going to make it hurt a lot more next time,_ she shot back as his hips pressed into her, hard and deep. She slapped his ass for emphasis and his eyes widened.

 _Did you just threaten to spank me?_ he’d barely managed.

Rey’d let out a throaty laugh. “Ben, that’s a _promise,_ not a threat.”

Ben gasped as his hand tightened on her hips. “ _Fuck,_ ” he cursed as his cock pulsed. That had been more than enough to break the fragile control he had over his body. Rey purred as he lost himself inside her, coming hard as her body clenched around him, drawing out every last bit of pleasure as he trembled above her.

 _I guess I’ll file that information away for later,_ she teased as Ben fought to catch his breath.

 _Maker, please,_ he’d begged.

***Rey shook her head to bring herself back to the present, but couldn’t quite wipe the satisfied smirk from her face as Ben turned to display a stunning array of fruits and vegetables before he placed it on the countertop beside where she sat. With a wink, Rey picked up a piece of juicy fruit and pressed it against Ben’s lips. With a teasing nip, he pulled at the tips of her fingers as he sucked the fruit from her hands.

“Is this how you always eat on Naboo? Here I thought you had some manners,” Rey chided. She’d always eaten with her hands and getting used to cutlery had been a bit of an adjustment. It just wasn’t something that was necessary on Jakku and, truth be told, she preferred eating with her hands.

“It’s considered polite to eat this kind of food with your fingers. It’s meant to enhance the intimacy and also the flavors,” Ben explained as Rey gave him a disbelieving look.

“That sounds like something you made up so that you can keep nipping at my fingers,” she replied.

Ben shook his head, his messy locks falling into his eyes as his lips curved. “Here, it’s called shuura,” he said while offering her a piece of the same juicy, yellow fruit that she’d fed him.

Rey ate from his fingers while letting her tongue dip out to tease at his digits as the juice dripped down his hand. He liked that but seemed to be planning something more than what Rey was thinking of doing—which was more of what they’d already done last night.

_Later, sweetheart. I’ll let you put those lips where ever you want._

_What about now?_ Rey grumbled.

He was so good at deferring pleasure for himself. Part of her wondered whether he was still punishing himself for the crimes he'd committed by denying his own pleasure. Rey huffed a little as he gently kissed her nose, his lips sticky from the shuura, which earned a laugh from her.

“Moof milker,” she said while scrubbing her nose clean with the back of her hand.

“More?” Ben offered and Rey shook her head.

“I am stuffed. If I eat any more food, I will make myself sick. I’m not built like a conservator, unlike _some_ individuals,” she ribbed.

Ben shrugged and Rey stared openly as his muscles flexed under her gaze. He was doing it on purpose and she loved it.

 _As long as you’ve had enough,_ he added and Rey could feel his concern through the bond.

Though she had filled out some since having regular access to food, she couldn’t let go of that bit of insecurity that told her it was all temporary and that she’d be going back to Jakku to experience hardship, hunger, and loneliness all over again.

“I used to have dreams of places like this,” she murmured. “Plutt would deny me my rightful share of portions, for whatever made up reason he wanted. So, I’d go back to my home in the dunes and try to sleep as the hunger ate at me, but there was a presence... In my dreams, I could feel _someone....”_

_Someone with a presence not unlike your own._

They’d shared thoughts and feelings, so she was certain that he knew about her dreams—she certainly knew of his.

“Somehow, it feels like I’ve been waiting a long time for you to come into my life,” he offered.

“Like some piece that was missing?” Rey finished.

_Exactly. I’ve never felt so... whole. Always fractured, like I didn’t quite belong, no matter what I did or who I was with._

_I was always so lonely,_ she thought. _At night, I’d dream of a face, a face I could never remember, and a voice telling me that it would all be okay one day._

Ben stepped between her legs and pulled her close as Rey rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I’m here for you. No matter what, I’ll _always_ find a way to be here for you,” Ben promised and Rey believed him.

“We’re not alone anymore,” she reaffirmed and Ben hummed his agreement.

_You’re here, with me. A comforting presence instead of an oppressive one._

Rey reached out and pulled his hand into her lap. “Was he always in your head?” she asked while playing with the calluses on his palm.

Ben must not have always practiced with his gloves on, not with this kind of roughness. Rey found that she liked it and, more importantly, she liked the way it felt against her own skin.

“Even before I realized what was happening, he was there,” he admitted.

“Did your parents not realize?” Rey wondered.

She’d felt what it was like to have Snoke in her mind and unpleasant didn’t even begin to describe how it felt. Rey couldn’t imagine what it would have been like for Ben to have that oppressive, dark presence shifting his thoughts throughout his entire life.

“My... mother, she realized. But her solution was to send me to my uncle, Luke. And I felt... Betrayed. Cast off. Snoke capitalized on those feelings for years before finally...,” Ben paused and Rey was able to fill in the gaps herself.

_Luke, he mistook Snoke’s influence for Ben’s own feelings._

“If Luke hadn’t... done what he did, would you have still gone to Snoke?” Rey wondered before she could stop herself.

She still didn’t have much of a filter, so sometimes the questions just came out before she could think of a better way to say things, but Ben never seemed to mind, even if she could feel that the questions sometimes made him feel a little awkward.

“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. I wanted there to be peace and order throughout the galaxy and I could never see how that would work, with how disorganized and overwhelmed by bureaucracy the New Republic was. Snoke was so clear in his vision that it was easy to get caught up in that ideology and convinced that _his_ way was the only way. I don’t regret it though,” he added and Rey started, shifting to stare up at him.

“What? How can you say that?” she asked, shocked.

Ben shook his head. “I mean, I regret many things, but if I’d known that you were waiting at the end of all of this, I can’t say that I would have done anything differently. I would do anything to have this outcome, Rey. I only wish I’d been able to find you sooner.”

_Protect you. Destroy Plutt. Vengeance._

His feelings flowed through their bond and into her and Rey smiled. “We’re that for _each other_ now. And, besides, Chewie tore his arm off.”

_What?_

“Unkar made the mistake of following me to Takodana and threatening me. Chewie didn’t like that.”

_Everyone always jokes about how a mad Wookiee could tear your arm off, but I’ve never seen it happen before—my father would tell stories._

“Oh, it happened. I’m not sure what became of Unkar Plutt after that, and I don’t really care. I think I could handle him now, probably.”

 _Maker help anyone that gets in between you and what you want,_ Ben teased through their bond.

_Even you?_

_As long as I’m the thing that you want in that equation, I’d bend over backward to see it done._

She was about to tell him that he wouldn’t have to go even half that far when he distracted her.

“Come on,” he said while helping her off of the counter. Reaching out, Ben captured her hand in his own and Rey threaded her fingers with his. His hands were a constant source of wonder for her—rough and elemental, while still gentle, kind of like Ben.

Leading her through the many hallways, Ben finally brought her out onto a balcony. The weather was warm and delightful. A soft breeze washed the scent of spring over them both. With a little tug, Ben pulled her along to the side of the villa to a great, stone staircase that led to a private beach.

“What are we doing here?” she asked.

“Patience, sweetheart,” he teased.

“I should think we that we both know I don’t have any of _that,_ ” she deadpanned, earning herself a faint chuckle.

“No, can’t say that I have much of it either,” he conceded. “But indulge me, please?”

Rey shivered. The dark part of her liked when he asked for her favor, a darker part yet liked when he _begged._ What was she becoming with this man? Had she always been like this?

_A dark inclination while he lifts a measure of your light..._

Rey tried to clear her head while deciding to give in to his desires. “Fine, but if it’s not better than what we were doing in bed last night... or this morning, I’m going to be _very_ disappointed.”

Ben’s lip curled at the side and his eyes darkened with pleasure. “You know I’d make it up to you.”

Rey bit her lip as she considered dragging Ben back to the bedroom anyway, but he seemed intent on showing her something and she wanted him to enjoy the time they had together as well.

She had been half-convinced that they wouldn’t be leaving the bed during their time together, let alone the room, but she should have known better.

Being with Ben, no matter what they did, was always an exquisite kind of torture, something that filled the cracks in her heart while simultaneously breaking it. It wasn’t forever, it wasn’t even for much _longer_ but, while she had him, she was going show him how much he meant to her—and remind herself that, no matter how her life had been, now she had someone who loved and cherished her.

 _Someone who would tear down the stars for you,_ a little voice reminded.

She’d be lying to herself if she didn’t admit how much she enjoyed that thought and how hard she had to work to resist dwelling on it. Part of her had _always_ wanted to take Ben up on his offer after Snoke’s death. He’d been so beautiful and broken before her, heart on his sleeve, imploring, hand outstretched in supplication, that she’d _almost_ said yes.

But they were both broken people, and they’d needed that time and separation, even if the Force had continually brought them back together through their connection. They were a part of something that existed outside of the First Order or the Resistance. They possessed a power that not many understood, though many coveted. They were both pushed and pulled by the people around them, and they were fortunate that they’d managed to keep their bond a secret for as long as they had. _If anyone were to find out..._

Rey didn’t want to consider the consequences right now. All she wanted was to be with Ben, but when he pulled her onto the rocky shore and stopped just short of the low waves, she was beginning to regret the decision to let him lead her outside.

“Just what do you have in mind?” she asked, nervous.

_He better not be considering what I think he’s considering._

_And what would that be, Rey?_ he shot back.

Rey blanched. She hadn’t been able to keep that thought to herself, but it wasn’t her fault. The idea of swimming scared the hell out of her. 

“It’s not so bad. I used to spend my summers here as a kid, I learned to swim right here from my....” he stopped before finishing, but Rey knew he was about to tell her how his father taught him to swim.

“Good memories?” Rey asked and Ben gives her a half-smile.

“Yeah, good memories. I’d like to make _more_ with you,” he went on.

“I grew up on a desert, you realize,” she explained patiently, hoping that he’d abandon this strange crusade. “And the last time I did this, I nearly drowned.”

Rey thought back to that time on Ahch-To in the cave. The lie she’d constructed around herself, that protective barrier around her heart, had been shattered that day, but Ben... he’d been there to help her pick up the pieces.

 _I’ll always be here,_ he reminded her. _Trust me._

Rey let out a little huff before finally nodding. Ben captured her hands in both of his, those giant paws pulling her towards the water as he walked backward, still staring down at her.

“I’m not really dressed for this, you realize,” she reminded him.

Though she’d dressed, it wasn’t _much_ of a dress. Gauzy and flowing, she’d felt she needed to wear _something,_ otherwise, they’d not be able to resist each other.

Ben cocked his head at her and Rey realized the reason for his earlier grin. He'd teased her once before with the prospect of swimming naked with him, but she'd never thought he'd carry through with it. Never thought they'd get the chance to, really.

 _Oh, no. No way,_ she thought while pulling away.

_Why not? There’s no one here. The servants never come to this side of the villa._

_What if someone sails by?_ she thought, gesturing to the wide, open lake.

Ben licked his lips before lifting his arms into a great, big stretch. As Rey watched the flex and pull of his biceps, watched as the great expanse of his chest rippled under her gaze, she nearly forgot why she was objecting at all.

 _Take off your dress, Rey. It’s too pretty to ruin,_ he added, thoughtfully.

It really _was_ too pretty to ruin. With a sigh, Rey hitched the edges of the bright fabric up and over her head but paused before completely removing it.

“You first, Ben. If I’m going to be naked, so are you.”

Despite his proclivity for overdressing _,_ Ben seemed to be more than okay with being naked around her. That he was comfortable enough to do this with her was a gift. As ascetic as he'd always been, the fact that he would share his body and his trust with her like this was beyond precious to her.

Rey pulled her dress off the rest of the way before peeping at Ben as he pulled the thin fabric of his trousers over his hips. Her eyes traveled downward, and Rey stared openly at the dusky trail of hair that led downward, at the thick length of him. He hardened under her gaze and Rey tried to pull eyes away, but even as they traveled up, it was no use. No matter where she looked, he was exquisite.

“Ben,” she said with a whine.

He swallowed thickly. “Keep looking at me like that, and we’re going back to the room,” his voice purred and Rey thought that it seemed he’d be entirely fine with that except that, now, she kind of wanted to try this swimming thing again—with Ben there to help her.

Rey scrunched her nose. “That’s not exactly a threat, but I’ve decided that I’d like to give this another try.”

Ben nodded, and they walked, quite naked, to the edge of the water. The rocky ground was hard against her feet, but the water lapping at her ankles was warm and pleasant.

“It’s not deep, not until you get further out,” Ben assured her as he led her out to where the water was just at her thighs.

“Okay,” she breathed. She wasn’t as comfortable with this as she’d hoped, but Ben wouldn’t let her drown. Still, what if there was some great creature in the water? She was about to call the whole thing off when something slithered by her feet. With a yelp, Rey jumped and immediately slipped, falling face first into the water.

Logically, she knew she could stand. But illogically, she was freaking out. Rey sputtered and flailed while two big arms tried to steady her.

“Stop fighting me!” Ben choked out as Rey splashed.

“Something touched my foot!” she gasped while chocking on lake water.

“There are fish in this lake,” he told her while helping her stand again.

“Pertinent information, Ben!” Rey grumped, dripping and embarrassed.

With a sigh, Ben stepped close and pulled her tight. He was so warm and comforting and she was being a little silly.

“C’mon, I’ll show you how to float,” he said while brushing a soft kiss on her brow. Then, all at once, Rey found herself being scooped up into Ben’s arms as he trudged further out into the water.

“I thought you said it wasn’t deep!” she cried. This was most definitely deeper than she’d imagined.

“It’s not. I’m here to teach you and I won’t let you fail,” he teased.

Somehow, it felt like he was talking about more than just swimming. It felt like he really had always been there to help her, in some strange way, as if their connection went back further than just Starkiller Base, but all thoughts fled from her mind as Ben slowly lowered her into the water.

Rey flailed a little and Ben frowned down at her. “Just relax. The key to floating is staying _relaxed._ ”

Rey glared. “This was a bad idea.”

“Just trust me, sweetheart.”

Rey took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. _Okay, okay, okay. Ben is here. Ben won’t let you drown. And, besides, you managed to choke your way out of the water the first time, you could probably do it again._

As Rey calmed, her body really _did_ start to float, though Ben’s hands were a comforting presence on her back.

“I’m going to move you around a little, so you get the feel for it. Just keep relaxing and let your body do the work,” he guided.

Once she let go of her fear, Rey found that floating atop the water was actually kind of calming. Ben switched his hands so that he was gently tugging her along through the water and Rey found that it was a much more pleasant experience than on Ahch-To.

“Do the Jedi have any swimming powers?” Rey wondered as Ben helped her float.

“I don’t know of anything in particular, though a Jedi has a heightened sense of their own body, so perhaps that could be translated into some swimming abilities. There is an old technique for breath control. It could probably be used for swimming though it’s mostly used against poisonous gases. I’m going to let you go now,” Ben warned.

And Rey immediately started to sink like a rock as soon as he tried to take his hands away.

“I’m really terrible at this,” Rey laughed. “Why don’t you just carry me forever?”

She liked the water, even if she’d initially been worried about being seen floating naked with Ben but, most of all, she just liked being close to him. She felt stronger and more aware when she was with him as if their powers were complimentary and heightened their strengths.

 _Balance..._ The word echoed at the edge of her mind. Luke had talked of balance, maybe he’d just underestimated what exactly that would look like?

Ben interrupted her thoughts. “It just takes practice and you already have the floating part down. You just have to let go of me and try it for yourself.”

“No, no. Last time I got dunked in water, I felt like I was going to drown. I don’t want that to happen again.”

 _I’m here with you,_ Ben assured her. _I won’t let anything bad happen to you._

Rey let out an indignant squeak as Ben walked further out into the lake, carrying her deeper and deeper. Rey dipped her body down to see if she could reach the bottom, earning herself a mouth full of water for her trouble.

“Gak!” she coughed.

“I’d advise against drinking lake water,” Ben said, barely smothering his smirk.

“Obviously. Promise you won’t let go, Ben,” she griped while trying to get a feel for how to both float and _move_ in the water.

“Not until you’re ready,” he assured her.

Eventually, Ben pulled her around for long enough that she kind of got the hang of floating and was feeling confident enough to try _actually_ swimming.

“I think that I can do this,” she said, more confidently than she felt.

“So, I can let go?” he asked, his hands still tight around her own.

_Let go; slowly, okay?_

_I’ll always be here to help, Rey. Just call out and I’ll be there._

And from one moment to the next, everything changed. Rey was _swimming, but_ she found she wanted to be closer to Ben, so she pulled herself through the water towards his big body. With a little squeak, she awkwardly launched herself at him, spraying water as her limbs flailed before finally settling around his middle.

Ben choked out a startled laugh as his hands slipped against her skin, finally managing to pull her up so that she could wrap her legs around his stomach. He stumbled a little before his own arms came up to hold her tight against his broad body.

 _Oh. You feel really nice like this,_ she thought.

Ben was curiously silent, but his tenseness gave him away. It was a strange sort of sensation for them both. Of course, she loved being close to him when they were both naked, but with the added slickness from the water, everything felt more sensual. Ben was still as she tightened her legs around him while their heads bobbed atop the water.

If she stretched out, Rey doubted she’d be able to touch the bottom without dipping her head under, but Ben was tall enough for them both and, judging from the prodding against her thigh, he was enjoying the sensation of her being wrapped around him just as much as she was. Rey anchored her arm around his neck as she drew a hand up to trail a liquid path along his broad chest, fingers tripping from freckle to freckle, before dipping along the cut of his many scars.

 _I gave you this one,_ she thought as she pressed into the gash of his arm.

Ben let out a little huff as his arms tightened around her. _Braggart._

_No, no. That’s not it. I mean, I kind of wish hadn’t, you know, but at the same time..._

_We’ve come a long way,_ he finished for her.

_Yeah. We have._

Rey pressed her cheek along his collarbone and listened to the steady beat of his heart. “Even then, I think I knew that there was something more to whatever was between us.”

“Whatever comes next, it was worth it—it _will_ be worth it. There will be a happy outcome for us, even if we can’t see it now,” he assured her.

Rey rubbed her lips along his shoulder and just _felt._ And, for a moment, she knew that every word of what he’d said was true. There would be a happy ending for them both, but she didn’t know how or when—but she would. They would figure it out together.

_But for now..._

Rey shimmied her hips and pressed into his cock, grinding against that length as Ben fought to hold them both upright.

“I’m going to fall over in the water if you keep that up, Rey,” he growled a warning.

_Mmm, I don’t much feel like drowning._

Ben thrust his hips into her, earning a low groan from Rey. Dipping his head, Ben pressed his lips into hers as his tongue delved, slipping within her mouth to tangle with her own. He kissed her as if she was the only thing in the galaxy giving him life, as if he needed her very breath, her entire essence, just to keep himself going.

Strangely, Rey felt the same as she clutched at his big body, helplessly being dragged along as they both gave in to their desires. By the time reason had caught up with Rey, she was halfway into wiggling him inside her, but she remembered something with a frustrated groan—something _important_.

“Urm, not in the lake?” Rey managed as Ben dappled suckling kisses down her jaw.

“Hmm? What?” he said with obvious effort.

Ben seemed to be having a hard time understanding her words, so she reiterated, “Friends have warned me about erm... having sex in open water. Apparently, it’s fun while you’re doing it but the aftermath can be painful.”

It was a strange side effect of living in close quarters with others, that forced intimacy, but as a result, her friends almost had less of a filter than her—especially Jess and Rose.

Not one to be deterred or denied, Ben offered, “The shower then?”

“Sonic?” she said, face scrunching.

“No, the one with water, in the bathhouse.”

 _There’s a bathhouse?_ she marveled.

_Haven’t you seen it? There’s a soaking tub, a shower, and a sauna._

_Well, fancy!_ she teased.

Though the staff had told her about the shower before, she hadn’t used it when she’d visited, thinking that it was too decadent for her—and all that water going to waste! But she hadn’t realized it was in a _bathhouse._ She still thought it was kind of a waste, not quite able to banish those scavenger feelings that pushed her into conserving, but, if Ben insisted...

“The shower then,” she agreed. “And _then_ the bath.”

_Whatever you want, sweetheart._

Rey pressed a kiss against his lips and was almost distracted again as he deepened the kiss.

_Ben. Shower. Lakehouse. Now._

_Right. Right,_ he thought through the haze of desire.

“Let’s see if you can hold me against you without the water helping,” Rey teased as her lips brushed against the shell of Ben’s ear. A shiver ran through him both at her words and her touch— _Maker,_ he liked it when she kissed him there.

 _Wicked scavenger,_ he teased before walking them both out of the water.

“What about our clothes?” she managed as Ben dabbled kisses along her shoulder.

Without the water surrounding them, it was rather chilly, and it seemed as if Ben was half-determined walk through the villa naked, with her in his arms.

_Not that I mind, but I’d rather not accidentally run into anyone._

With a small grumble, he set her down, though his hand sought out her own and held it tight as he gathered their clothes up. Getting dressed while wet was such a pain, another reason she preferred the sonic shower, but watching Ben get stuck in his pants as he hopped and tried to remain upright was worth it.

Rey laughed as he fought with the clothes while pleasure and happiness surrounded them both.

 _You’re next,_ he reminded her.

 _My clothes are much easier than those tight pants. Maybe choose something looser next time?_ Rey thought while gesturing to where he was having a _hard_ time getting himself contained.

 _Are we both going to pretend that I didn’t choose these pants because you enjoy them, or..?_ he teased as he managed to fit himself back inside his pants— _all_ of himself.

 _Fair point,_ she conceded with a grin.

Rey held out her dress to Ben and let him gather the fabric before he slipped it over her head and down her lithe body. With a smile, Rey stood on her toes to leave a kiss on the bottom of Ben’s chin in thanks as he pulled her tight into him, surrounded by his warmth and in his love.

Their Force signatures blended until she couldn’t tell where hers began and his ended. She felt as if she could live a lifetime here with Ben and, though they only had mere moments, they were going to make the best of them—together. And, for the time being, thoughts of an indeterminate future were pushed aside for more _pressing_ matters.

******

Somewhere not so far, eyes were watching and waiting for the right moment. For the right opportunity. And a Supreme Leader shirking his responsibilities to dally with a _scavenger girl—no,_ a filthy Jedi. Well, some opportunities were too good to pass up.

His room on the Finalizer was dark and dimly lit by the light of the terminals and the surveillance holos. It had taken time and considerable manpower, but Hux had managed to recover and isolate the surveillance footage from the Supremacy and it had confirmed his suspicions.

All he’d needed was the right opportunity and with the Supreme Leader on the mission, Hux had taken the chance. The dark terminal blinked, alerting Hux to an incoming transmission from Opan.

Hux pressed the comm button, and the holo flicked to life. Captain Opan stood, dressed as a local insurgent from Lothal and waited to give his intel.

“Report,” Hux said, teeth clenched as he tried to keep his emotions in check.

“General,” the man said, saluting. “It is as we thought.”

Hux’s nostrils flared as he breathed deep, elation flooding his veins. The connection was rough, cutting in and out, which was to be expected considering his location. It had been necessary to send the man to Lothal to verify and to execute the next component of his plan.

“The intel was right. The Resistance walked right into it and the Supreme Leader had disappeared from the battlefield after the Jedi was struck. His shuttle was confirmed in the Chrommell sector a cycle later, near Naboo.”

Hux almost laughed. _The weak-minded fool. Let him have his time with the girl. Once he returns, he and his damned powers will be eliminated from the galaxy once and for all._

Giving a short nod, Hux confirmed the next course of action. “It’s treason then. You know what needs to be done. Return to the Supremacy at once and, when the Supreme Leader returns, give him the welcome he so deserves.”

“As you command... Supreme Leader Hux,” the man said with a final salute before the connection cut out and the holo dimmed. It had been a long time coming, but Hux was going to finally get what he was owed. The thin man stared out of the large viewport as the ship— _his ship—_ slid through hyperspace to the rendezvous point. Hux's mouth curled into a smile as he considered the future.

That weak traitor, Kylo Ren, was going to get the end he deserved and soon the galaxy would have a Supreme Leader that was willing to rule as was necessary, with an iron fist.

* * *

 

A/N—Hello gorgeous people. Thanks for all of the kudos, subs, comments, etc. I love you all! Went and saw Solo and I really liked it. It felt like a Saturday Morning cartoon (in a good way). I smiled through the entire thing, also I am in love with L3 and Lando. The end lol. Having no expectations was the best kind of expectations to have. Like, holy moly, Gambino’s Lando is everything I didn’t know I wanted and he can call me “baby” any day of the fucking week. Like YES.

Title of this chapter is taken from the new Snow Patrol album, Wildness (A Youth Written In Fire) and I S2g, Ben Solo wrote some of this album lol but I listened to the song on repeat while writing/editing. I’m pretty sure this is gonna be a few chapters beyond 15 (which is where it’s set at right now), but we’ll see how much trouble these kids manage to get into.

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend. Thanks again for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**

 


	14. I'm In It With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're all reading for the smut by now, right? LOL If not, **** marks where the smut starts **** marks where it ends. Also, there are no archive warnings, so things are going to be ok. Eventually. I promise happy endings.

The clouds had rolled in during the night and the sounds of water hitting the stones outside resonated throughout the lake house. It was a dreamy time and much too early to get out of bed, so Rey listened as the rain poured.

Ben’s soft snoring mingled with the sounds of nature and Rey thought that she’d never felt quite so content in her entire life. Her dreams had been vivid these past few days with Ben. Normally, Rey only had nightmares, but she hardly ever remembered the specifics of those.

Mostly, she remembered feelings—hunger, loneliness, crushing sadness. She’d often wake from those horrible dreams to find herself alone in her bunk and do her best to fall back asleep but here, with Ben, she wasn’t alone anymore and her mind seemed to relax with that knowledge.

And her dreams were vivid and beautiful in response to that reassurance. One night, she saw herself and Ben at what looked like the edge of the galaxy, staring out of a viewport as the stars stretched out endlessly before them.

Once, during the day, after they’d fallen back into bed with each other and explored the limits of their own desires before collapsing in a heap and napping together, she’d dreamed of her vision—what she’d seen when she and Ben had touched hands for that first time through the Force.

That vision was bright, _solid, and clear._ They were together, and she knew they were in _their_ home. It was small, sparsely furnished, but overflowing with plants and other little knickknacks that she and Ben had acquired during their travels.

She’d painted the walls a bright green. It reminded her of Takodana. Ben had helped, even though he hated painting. He’d also made some caf, and she drank it though she didn’t really like the taste—but she sure did like the energy boost.

It never impacted Ben the way it did her, and she blamed it on his considerable height and broad body. He insisted that his decades-long addiction had made him immune to the drink, even if he _did_ get a headache without it.

There weren’t any droids in the home, and they were fine with that. Rey never pushed the issue, though she knew there were some difficult childhood memories concerning droids that he wasn’t interested in reliving and she’d gotten used to doing everything on her own and wasn’t comfortable with the idea of a... well, someone who’d be to her what she’d been to Plutt—forced to work, without a choice in the matter.

Rey had seen herself with Ben, enjoying the quiet of the early morning. She’d go over and interrupt him as he scanned his reader, sitting right on his lap and forcing him to read over her shoulder.

Sometimes, she’d read too. Sometimes, he’d read to her. And sometimes, she’d sit and enjoy his warmth and closeness as the minutes passed in companionable silence.

This was the best dream she’d ever had.

Eventually, she’d yawn and insist on doing some training, and Ben would refuse to let her go. They’d laugh as she’d pepper his face and nose with kisses, tracing a path along his beautiful speckled skin, from mark to mark, until they were interrupted by noises. They both turned their heads towards the interior of their little home as laughter resonated from within—and voices.

The sounds drew closer... closer still until the dream faded and she awoke to find herself in a different sort of dream. Ben was with her, but the future was indeterminate.

She had him now, but how much longer would that be the case? Still, even in sleep, he sought her out and drew her closer. Pulled her tight against that strong body and held her as if he never wanted to let her go.

Rey fell asleep like this—content and cared for. She dreamed while she lay in his arms and whether his own thoughts and desires were impacting her own, she wasn’t sure, but as Rey woke with a little moan, she realized that she’d been dreaming of him, specifically of him _inside_ her, his hips tight against her own as she’d wrapped herself around Ben’s big body as many ways as she possibly could.

They’d been close in the dream, _so close,_ but then she’d woken up before either her or dream Ben could climax, which left her now—aching and needy. But Ben was nowhere to be seen and his side of the bed was cold.

****The memory of his touch spurred Rey on as her hand dipped low, slipping between her already slick lips and teasing out that needy bud as she touched herself to thoughts and memories of _him._

Rey’s free hand trailed along her body, imagining it was him. His lips, pillow soft as they pressed against hers before trailing lower to hitch on a sensitive nipple. Or how his hands gripped her hips tight as she sat astride him while she guided them both through their lovemaking.

She imagined the heat of his gaze on her as he watched her like there was nothing else in the galaxy that brought him more pleasure than watching Rey finding hers.

 _Maker,_ just the thought of him got her so high—she was so close. So close now...

 _“Ben...,”_ she whined unintentionally, only to have her awareness snap into clear focus.

_Couldn’t wait, sweetheart?_

All at once, she realized he was in the room watching her as she got herself off to the thought of his touch. He’d _seen_ her and knew that she’d been so desperate for release that she hadn’t been able to wait for him.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, embarrassed even after all they’d done with and to each other.

Ben walked into the room, not from the main door, as she’d been expecting, but through the open balcony. She could feel the embarrassment flushing her cheeks but, most of all, she was _annoyed_ at the distraction. She’d been _so close,_ and now...

Rey stared up at Ben, lip caught between her teeth as his eyes roamed her body before settling between her legs, where her hand had stilled.

“Ben... I,” she tried to speak, but her voice faltered.

He only shook his head as he stared at her. “Don’t stop,” he commanded, his voice deep and hoarse.

Rey raised her eyebrows. “Why? You’re back now....”

She wanted him and had been imagining _his_ touch. The way she touched herself couldn’t compare to what he was able to do to her body and mind.

Ben licked his lips and, for a moment, his gaze darkened. It reminded her of how he’d looked at her when he’d first taken off that helmet as he’d interrogated on the Finalizer—like he was surprised that _anyone_ could deny him. It was a strange and appealing sort of darkness.

The side of his mouth curved as he repeated, _“Rey. Don’t. Stop.”_

Rey’s breath caught in her throat. He wanted to watch her as she pleasured herself. It wasn’t as if he didn’t _know_ she did this sort of thing—it was mostly his fault, after all, but having his intense gaze on her while she did it felt... Well, it made her feel embarrassed.

Ben swallowed hard and stepped closer. “Indulge me, sweetheart. I’ll be here to catch you, I promise.”

He settled behind her before he pulled her against his chest. With a gentle caress, his hands opened her legs wide.

Ben’s big hand covered her own before he gently pulled it between her legs as he urged, “Show me, Rey. Let me watch you.”

Rey shivered as his words rolled through her. If she closed her eyes, she could almost see how she looked to him through the strength of their connection. He was happy, content, but also needy and covetous of this moment. He wanted more and more and more...

With a smile, Rey decided to give him what he wanted.

* * *

Ben had been gone too long and was in a hurry to get back to Rey before she woke, but he needed to contact Fuore. He had to get back to the Finalizer soon as he’d left Hux to his own devices for far too long already. And the information she’d provided about Hux had proven very interesting indeed. Still, it was all so bothersome.

_I can only imagine what awaits me when I return..._

Ben sighed as he shook those unwelcome thoughts from his mind. His feet padded against the cool, damp stone as he strode back to Rey. He thought to find her still sleeping as he rounded the corner of the lake house and slipped into the bedroom, but the sight that greeted him stole the breath from his lungs.

Ben clenched his fists hard as he feasted his eyes upon Rey—nude, legs spread, hand fisted in the sheets, fingers dipping between her thighs as she moaned _his name._ She hadn’t noticed him enter the room.

_Maker, I should have never left to contact Fuore._

For long moments he just watched, jaw tight, as he controlled the impulse stride over to Rey and show her just how much he regretted leaving her. He could feel her through the Force, feel how _close_ she was, but he wanted to be the one who gave her that release or, at least, have an active part in it.

He brushed up against her awareness and let her feel his thoughts. _Couldn’t wait, sweetheart?_

“Oh!” she exclaimed, eyes fluttering open as her hand stilled.

 _Gods,_ he could feel how badly she wanted him, his eyes glued to her glistening sex.

“Ben... I,” she seemed to lose her train of thoughts as he let his eyes roam over her.

He shook his head and commanded, “Don’t stop, Rey.”

Rey raised her eyebrows. “Why? You’re back now....”

 _Because I want to take the memory of this moment with me on into eternity,_ he barely kept from sending to her.

He let his lip curl into a smirk as his tongue darted out. “ _Rey_. _Don’t. Stop._ ”

She bristled a little at his demand even as the breath caught in her throat and _Maker_ if he didn’t like that just a bit too much.

Ben stalked closer, slowly closing the distance between them. “Indulge me, sweetheart. I’ll be here to catch you, I promise.”

Crawling onto the bed, Ben slid behind Rey and pulled her tight against his body before spreading her legs wide as his own settled around her. His big hand slid over her own, pulling it back to where it had been before he’d interrupted.

“Show me, Rey. Let me watch you,” he urged from behind her.

Ben pressed gentle kisses along her shoulder as she finally decided to give him what they’d both wanted. He watched as her fingers worked to recapture the rhythm she’d lost when he’d interrupted her. Rey slipped her fingers along the seam of her slick sex before rolling them back up to tease out that needy bud.

Her lips parted on a sigh as she teased her body, back arching slightly against him as she pleasured herself. Ben was enraptured and didn’t know where to look next. His eyes darted from the hand between her legs, to the curve of her breasts, back up to her lush, wet lips.

His hand was a tight press against the inside of her thigh as he held her open and his lips pressed along the column of her throat as he whispered against her skin. Told her how beautiful she was. How there was no one in the galaxy that could compare.

In exchange, she showed him her own thoughts—the way he looked at her. How she loved his scent. How his hands were so big and warm and wonderful against her skin. That his lips against her drove her mad with lust. His eyes—how they stared at her, so big and expressive, as he _always_ made sure she came and came and came.

Always her pleasure before his own. And how, even before they were lovers, and certainly before they were friends, he was there, haunting her dreams. The promise of his kiss and touch a strange and tactile thing between them, even as they fought.

And she liked that little bit of danger, of possession, because she felt the same way about him. They’d marked each other, body and soul.

There was no one else in the galaxy that could make her feel the way he did. No one.

 _Ben... I want you inside me,_ she begged and, this time, he indulged her as her fingers worked, pushing her higher and higher until...

His long fingers pressed inside just as she crested her peak and the combined pleasure of his touch and her own was overwhelming. Her orgasm rippled out from her body and through the Force as she panted, her body hot and slick against his own.

Rey pressed her ass back tight against his body, grinding into his insistent erection.

“More,” she urged and Ben’s lip curled as he pressed a kiss to the side of her mouth.

“Anything for you, sweetheart,” he promised.

 _Roll over,_ he directed through their bond and Rey scrunched her nose up at him.

“How?” she wondered, even as her fingers teased out his hard cock from under the thin fabric of his pants.

_Let me show you._

Grabbing her hips, Ben urged Rey onto her stomach and gently pressed her knees in so that she was spread before him.

 _Oh..._ she thought and he could feel how amused she was as he acted out his lewd fantasies.

 _Maker._ He was going to dream about this moment for the rest of his life, of that he was entirely certain.

And Rey, knowing full well what he felt, what she did to him, wiggled—just slightly. Hips swaying softly as he fought the urge to come right then and there.

“Well?” she said as she craned her head to the side, catching his rapt gaze.

_Are you going to...?_

_I just... I need... Rey, you are magnificent._

_And I want you... Please, Ben._

That was the last piece of encouragement that he needed. With a hard press and a slow slide, Ben entered her and the angle of their position heightened _everything._

 _Oh. Fuck, Ben!_ Rey thought through their bond.

He was so deep, so thick, so damn much within her like this. Rey let out a held breath, whining softly as he shifted his hips back.

He had to be careful like this. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her, but as Rey wiggled her ass back into him in time with his thrusts, he thought that maybe he wouldn’t have to be quite so careful after all.

_Ben. More._

Hands tight on her hips, Ben took pleasure in pulling out each and every little squeak and moan from her lips. With her hands fisted tightly in the sheets, Rey pressed into him as they worked together to heighten their shared pleasure.

He opened his mind to her and let her see what he could see—legs spread, ass high, fingers balled into fists, the flush of her freckle-dusted skin—but most of all, how achingly and overwhelmingly he fucking _adored her._

 _Gods, you’re so close, sweetheart,_ he thought through their bond.

She was a wild, wanton thing beneath him, the beginning and the end of everything he’d ever wanted and he was that for her. It was heady and overwhelming, to have the realization that someone you loved completely, also loved you the same way back.

He’d pull down the stars from the skies if she’d but ask. And, maybe even leave it all behind...

_The First Order. Supreme Leader... The Jedi. The Sith... Could he let it all die?_

For her, he thought that impossible might be possible. Through love—their love—anything was possible.

_Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please! Ben!_

_Shh... I’ve got you, Rey. I’ve got you. Forever,_ he promised.

Ben slid his hand over the curve of her belly, gently trailing along her breasts before coming up to hold her long hair tight, tugging her back as he pressed into her.

Rey was a breathless, mindless, pulsing entity of light and pleasure as he fucked into her. And, abruptly, she succumbed to the pleasure they shared. With a wail, Rey came, her body clenching tight around his cock as he struggled to maintain his rhythm through her orgasm.

It was too much. It wasn’t enough. It was more than he deserved. Ben’s hand in her hair gripped firmly as he came inside her with a curse, one slick rush after another, as he let her body draw out every last bit of pleasure.

****There was nothing left between them. They were two people dancing around age-old secrets while navigating through their impossible desire for each other.

He gave her _everything._

But part of him knew it wasn’t going to be enough. Not when the fate of the galaxy rested in their hands.

Ben rolled to the side, taking Rey with him. Still, inside her, he let the long moments pass quietly as they both fought to steady their breath.

_It’s not too late..._

Her words resonated through his mind as he fought for a way to extend the moment into an eternity, but came up short as reality all but crashed around them both.

* * *

It was dark when he left and Rey was having a hard time containing her tears, _kriff,_ so was he. There was nothing more he wanted than to stay with her here, forever. Just casually ignoring the rest of the galaxy as it burned around them both. But it would catch up to them, eventually. And Ben needed to find a way to stop it. Because their time together had run out, and he needed to get back to the fleet and deal with Hux once and for all.

_Fuore said that Rey was the key to all of this... I wonder if she has more insight into the matter?_

He’d ask his Knight later but, for now, he was going to enjoy every last second of holding Rey as his Knights landed the command shuttle on the platform outside of Varykino.

Rey was dressed in her Resistance fatigues and Ben in his dark, heavy clothing. It felt wrong. His clothes were too tight, too heavy; he wanted to go back, back to those moments where it was just he and Rey and nothing in between them. His long cape swept around them both, caught in a breeze as time ticked inexorably onward.

“I hate how this feels,” Rey sniffed against his chest.

He’d take her tears with him, take that one small part of her across the galaxy as life and circumstances worked to separate them both.

“It’s not forever. I know we’ll get our happy ending, Rey,” he murmured against her brow as his arms tightened around her.

_More time. I just need a little more time to figure this out._

But it didn’t seem likely. The First Order commanded so much of his attention and, with Hux trying to undermine him at every turn, he needed to consider some alternatives.

What they had wasn’t sustainable. Ruling the galaxy as a dictator wasn’t sustainable, the Empire’s fall had proven that once before. He understood that now, with Rey’s help, but still, he was unwilling to concede that what the Resistance wanted was any better.

_Instead of following the supreme will of one leader, the galaxy would flounder under a new Republic that was unwilling to let anything happen without years of bureaucracy. But, perhaps, mother had been right with her Populist ideas... Planets retaining their sovereign rights instead of one slogging government?_

It was something to consider at a different time. The sadness rolled off of her in waves and he hated the feeling. The first point of connection between them had been through their shared loneliness, but he didn’t want that to be what she took away on her journey back to the Resistance.

He wanted her to remember how much he loved her even if he couldn’t be with her. He wanted her to know that, no matter what, he was going to find a way to end this. He held her tight against him for as long as he could, even as his Knights came into view. Ben pressed his lips against her brow before dipping to catch her lips with his own.

“I will see you again,” he promised. “We will be together.”

Ben wasn’t sure where his confidence came from, but as he said the words, he knew them to be true. Rey stared up at him, eyes red-rimmed and full of tears. She was so beautiful, even when she was like this. His heart ached at seeing her sad.

The memory of her pain would haunt him at night, he knew it. Another sin for Ben to carry with him. One day, one day _soon,_ he’d make her happy. He’d take the broken pieces of his heart and hers, and build them a life together out of the shards, something beautiful, bright and whole.

“I love you, Ben. Always know that,” she told him as she nuzzled his chest.

_I love you, Rey. More than I ever thought was possible. I will find a way for this to work._

His Knights had arrived before Chewbacca, so Ben would be leaving first. With a final kiss, he let Rey slip from his arms. Ben’s feet felt as heavy as durasteel while he took those first steps away from her.

He looked back, which was a mistake. Her tear-streaked face stared up at him. She tried for a smile, it wobbled, and it took everything he had not to run back to her and forget everything.

Everything he’d fought and killed and suffered for.

_But does it matter if you don’t have her?_

He had to do this. For Rey. He’d find a way to make their future possible. Vadon and Fuore flanked him as they walked onto the ship. His Knights said nothing, but he could feel their awareness through the Force.

They pitied him. No, they seemed to understand.

Duty before love was a lifestyle they were both committed to and understood fully. Still, they withheld their customary snark and let him settle onto the ship in silence as they prepared for departure.

Everything seemed to be slipping out of his control. Time skipped and before he knew it, the ship was rising and taking him further and further away from the most important person in the galaxy. Ben stared out of the viewport as his command shuttle slid from the Naboo atmosphere into space. His face was impassive, save for the suspiciously bright glow of his eyes.

It had felt like a final goodbye, like the last time he’d seen his mother before leaving with Luke. He felt assaulted by his feelings. As Vadon hit the controls to engage the hyperdrive, and the galaxy blurred around them, Ben wondered whether he’d be haunted by the memory of Rey’s teary face until the end of time.

_The final moments of her... Mother... My father..._

What would he take with him when all was said and done? Would it be the memory of their love that would sustain him? Or the feelings of loss and loneliness he’d felt as he watched her slip from his arms?

Why did it feel like he should have done more? Why was every fiber of his being crying out that he should go back to her, to _fight_ for her and the life they wished to share, even as he sailed further and further away?

 _I will. I will. I will. I just need more time,_ he tried to assure himself.

But time was running out.

* * *

Landing inside of the Finalizer’s main hanger felt wrong. Something thrummed through the Force in warning, but Ben knew that this place wouldn’t be safe for him much longer. Hux wanted him dead, but he wouldn’t be so foolish as to strike out until he knew he could get away with it.

He’d have to be more careful. Travel with his Knights. Stay planet-side in Coruscant. It would be better, regardless. From there, Ben would be able to negotiate with the planets that had not yet joined their working alliance. Things were going to change, he could feel it.

As Ben stepped out of his command shuttle, Vadon and Fuore followed from behind while joking amongst themselves as they headed towards the turbolifts.

“You two certainly are intimidating with all that banter,” he drawled over his shoulder.

Ben could feel their incredulous looks on the back of his head as he walked ahead.

“Was that a joke?” Vadon snarked, though he could tell she was amused even with the modulator distorting her voice.

“Even I didn’t see that coming,” Fuore said with a hissing, mechanical sounding laugh.

_Things are going to change. I’m going to get my future... With Rey._

But as soon as Ben stepped into the containment chamber that separated the docking bay from the main part of the spacecraft, he knew something was wrong. Fuore’s angry cry sounded from behind him as the front and rear doors of the chamber snapped closed and locked.

“Welcome back, Supreme Leader,” Hux’s smarmy voice called over the comm.

Ben growled. “What is the meaning of this, General?”

He was going to fucking kill him. He should have killed him in the throne room, but he’d thought that he needed Hux in order to control the officers, but if what his Knights had discovered was true, the officers would be just as happy to see Hux dead as alive.

“I think it’s time we put an end to this little charade,” Hux continued as a low hissing noise filled Ben’s ears while a filmy looking cloud oozed from the ventilation shafts.

Ben had two options, breath whatever noxious fumes Hux was pumping into the room and die quickly, or control his breath and die slowly. He chose the latter as he tried to remain calm and find a way out.

The room was used to block off the main body of the shift in cases of extreme damage, in other words, it was solid and without a secondary exit. Which meant it was only a matter of time before he could no longer hold his breath.

_I’m such a fool._

He should have known after Lothal. He should have been more careful. Should have done... so many things differently.

 _Rey..._ He could feel her there, just at the edge of his consciousness, the worry pulsing through their bond.

_Maker, I love you. I’m so sorry._

He could tell she was frantic and fighting, trying to connect with him when the Force refused to bridge that gap fully. His Knights would never let Hux get away with this, if they were all still alive, anyway. He thought that he’d have more time.

Ben had known how conniving Hux was, but he was also a coward. This was brazen. There was no way he could justify this unless...

“Hope you enjoyed your time with that scavenger trash,” Hux’s voice laughed over the comm. “Did you really think you’d be able to keep what you did to Supreme Leader Snoke a secret from me?”

 _Kriff. Rey, Hux knows about Snoke,_ Ben tried to send his thoughts through the Force to warn her.

He’d been a fool, no matter what Fuore had said. Hux must have been able to recover surveillance footage from the Supremacy. Ben had believed that he could handle Hux and that he’d be able to outmaneuver the general. And now he was going to pay for that hubris with his life.

_Only... I wish I had more time. I love you so much._

If he could do it all over again, he would. If the outcome were to remain the same, he would still choose her.

_Every damn time._

_Ben. Please, fight this. Find a way. Use the Force._

He didn’t have the heart to tell her, _That’s not how the Force works... but maybe._

Ben could hear Vadon hacking her way into the console from the other side of the blast doors. It wouldn’t be enough. She’d never be fast enough. With or without the Force, his breath would run out before he could be rescued.

At least, it wasn’t going to be overly painful, which surprised him. He’d expected Hux to make his death hurt, but perhaps he was only interested in ensuring his elimination. That made the most sense.

He was going to die, why not be quick, efficient and thorough with it?

How terribly practical.

A part of him had always been ready to die. Somehow, he’d been resigned to his fate almost from childhood. He wasn’t afraid of death, but the dying. That had always been the variable. That it wouldn’t be painful was a relief.

But Rey, Maker how he wished he could spare her the pain of this moment. She’d already lost too much because of his decisions and he’d robbed her of a future together with his demands—his hand _outstretched in supplication_ as he’d _begged._

For the wrong reasons. For the wrong thing. He could see that now, now that it was too late for him. The galaxy needed to be free to choose what was best.

Freedom.

_Will I be free from this pain at last?_

Hux’s voice reverberated so loudly over the comm that it felt like it was shaking in Ben’s skull. “My only regret is that I won’t get to see your face when I destroy _her_ as well. Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to bring her over to the winning side and turn her.”

It was a taunt and one that was meant to make him lose control over his power—to breathe deep and die quick. He wouldn’t give in. He wouldn’t... And yet, even at the last, there was too much of his father’s heart inside of him.

“She’ll choke the life from your pasty fucking body,” Ben assured Hux before choking on the poisoned air as it filled his lungs.

Hux laughed and laughed and laughed before the comm cut out. The vents hissed as the polluted air was pumped into the containment room. Wouldn’t be much longer now.

_Fight this, Ben. Please. PLEASE._

She was crying. Oh, he could feel that. Almost as if her tears were grazing his cheeks—or was he crying? Crying with her.

It killed him to feel her pain, to feel her hurt. He only ever wanted to make her happy, but it seemed he was only ever good at making her cry. He hoped she knew that, no matter what, she was worth more to him than anything. She was his _everything._

_So beautiful. So good. I love you._

_Tell me the next time you see me, Ben. You are not dying today._

Her thoughts were tremulous and fragile. She could feel him dying and she knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He knew it too. But he wasn’t alone. As long as she was with him, he thought that he could withstand anything.

_Even death._

It didn’t hurt. He kept waiting for some sort of pain. But it never came. Something bright and strangely tactical surrounded his body. He wasn’t going to be alone when he died, he was grateful for that. He hated being alone, even as a kid.

Hated it now even though he’d used the solitude as a kind of punishment to strengthen his connection to the Dark Side. It hadn’t worked, not completely, and certainly not when Rey had come into his life. But now... He was glad he wasn’t alone.

_I’ll find you. Somehow. Another life. I’ll come back for you, sweetheart. I promise._

So much to say. He wasn’t going to be conscious for much longer.

_Make it count. Make it count..._

He could feel her anger through the bond, but also her determination. _As if I’d give up on you so easily. I’m not waiting for another lifetime. I’ll find you, even if I have to drag you back into this life kicking and screaming. You don’t get to go unless I say so; do you hear me, Ben Solo?_

He almost believed her. He was so tired. The toxin was making its way through his body. Couldn’t keep it back. Into his lungs. Flowing through his bloodstream. His heart. Couldn’t stop it.

Something like a growl reaches his ears. Vadon’s voice modulator?

“Well, this isn’t quite as I foresaw it,” a wry voice commented.

Someone was grabbing his body—uncomfortably and with obvious effort. He was not a small man. They were dragging him. _Where?_

“Losing your touch, my love,” another voice commented. “He’s slipping away. They’re sending reinforcements...?”

The voices faded. All that remained was the sound of his rushing blood and the beating of his heart as it slowed. _Slowed_...

_You’re not alone, Ben._

_Stay with me... until the end?_ he begged. He didn’t want to do this alone.

_Always and forever..._

It was all he needed. That final permission. And, finally, Ben let go... as everything faded away to nothing.

* * *

 

A/N-Hey yeah, so I should definitely not write when I’m sad. Just another reminder in case anyone needs it, but I believe in happy endings (after angst). Also, make sure you hug your loved ones and friends. Tell them how much they mean to you. Even the ones that seem like they don’t need that kind of thing.

Anyway, big internet hugs and remember, if shit gets too tough or weird in fandom or in life, you are allowed to change. You don’t owe shit to anyone except yourself, so go out there and shine on, beautiful. I’m cheering for you all <3

Thanks for reading and for your comments and for **being you.**

"I'll come back for you, sweetheart. I promise" paraphrased from TFA novelization.

 “hand outstretched in supplication” NOT MINE, a line belonging to Jason Fry from TLJ novelization.

 “solid and clear” also not mine RJ.

“it’s not too late” also from RJ.

“that’s not how the Force works,” JJ and Larry Kasdan.

"free of this pain," also JJ and Larry Kasdan.

“too much of his father’s heart” paraphrased from RJ

 This chapter was highly inspired by a lot of Retrowave and “I’m in it with you,” by Loreen (on repeat).

 @tellcassiopeia is absofuckinglutely amazing and keeps me going even when I feel like stopping. Same goes for @high-lady-of-the-night; you two are amazing friends and I’m so grateful to have you both.

* * *

 

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend or leave a comment in the little box. Thanks again for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**

 

 


	15. Immortal Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was getting too close to ridiculously long, so the chapter got split, which is good because editing like 10k is a pain in the ass and the wrist, really (and, personally, reading chapters that long is super fucking time consuming lol). Plus, there's the added bonus of another update soon!

For some reason, Rey was consumed with thoughts of death and old memories of her childhood as she made her way through the busy corridors of Bespin.

The passage of time on Jakku had been a strange thing, counted only by the marks on the inside wall of a fallen AT-AT, by a girl who’d taught herself to read, write, and survive. She’d almost died once, when she was younger and inexperienced at scavenging, after she’d fallen down a turbolift shaft in a fallen Star Destroyer.

Rey’d been knocked out cold, her headlamp cracked and useless, as she’d tried to fumble her way out of the dark depths with a twisted ankle. She wasn’t sure how much time she spent in that dark place, only that it was hot and dusty. She ran out of water before food, which was unusual, given that she hardly ever had extra food to pack with her during her scavenging trips.

But she’d managed to scavenge enough capacitor banks, and other valuable items to bring to Plutt. Either he’d felt generous at the time or hadn’t realized that he’d given her more rations than normal, but Rey didn’t say anything. She’d stood silently as he divvied the portions and all but ran back to her den with her haul.

 _So much for the extra food now._ Without enough water, the Jakku sands could suck a person dry but, at night and almost as dangerous, was the cold. Rey had shivered as the sun set and the old metal of the ship let go of the heat. She was cold, thirsty and alone.

If she died, no one would miss her, she’d thought. Would her parents wonder about her? Or would they assume she’d been destroyed, as so many were, by the harshness of life on Jakku? It didn’t matter. She didn’t matter. Rey had wrapped her arms around herself as tight as she could to ward off the cold and pretended it was someone else—a friend, some family member, who was there with her.

So she wouldn’t have to die alone.

At some point during the night, Rey fell asleep. When'd she woken her eyes were salty and dry with her tears. It was wasted water, but she couldn’t help it. She was tired, scared, in pain, and thirsty. And she knew that no one would come looking for her. She’d pass from the memory of anyone who’d ever known her. Forgotten by her parents and the galaxy.

She’d struggled so long, so hard. And here, this was to be her end. It wasn’t much of a life to live for, but the promise of rescue—that one day, someone would come back for her and treasure her as she knew she deserved—had sustained her. Now, even that fantasy wasn’t enough.

Rey had curled her legs up and rested her chin on her knees and tried to think of anything other than how much she didn’t want to die. She sat and, despite the pain, slipped into a fitful sleep, only waking once a bright light surrounded her.

She had to be dreaming or delirious. There was something... something strangely familiar about this feeling. In the moments of her life where the aching loneliness had become too much to bear, she’d felt a similar presence. It was a feeling that bloomed inside of her and radiated outwards. Words echoed just at the edge of her memory.

_I’ll come back for you. I promise, sweetheart._

The light had consumed Rey, warmed her up, and filled the hollowness inside of her. It was peaceful. Like a strange imaginary friend who’d come to be with her. Rey smiled and, as her eyes slipped closed once again, she thought that it was comforting that she wouldn’t have to die alone.

Later, when Rey woke, she found herself in the main hangar of the Star Destroyer with no recollection of how she got there or, more importantly, who brought her there. She’d managed to hobble her way back home, but she never forgot that moment. She was more careful from then on out, but every time she managed to get close to danger, it almost felt as if that same strange energy was blooming inside of her, calling out in warning.

It was a feeling that reminded her of Ben, now that she had him. Had the Force been working to put them together since before she realized it? She had so much to discuss with Leia and needed to find the General so that she could explain what had happened on Naboo, well, at least some of what had happened.

Rey blushed as the memories resurfaced. She’d loved the way he was always looking for excuses to touch her, even if she was just walking by, his hands always reached out to caress her. It wasn’t just the sex, there was a twin need within them both to be connected and cherished.

To be something to somebody. It was a peculiar sort of completion, but she cherished it, even if Rey had never anticipated finding it with someone like Ben. Sometimes, she’d wake to find him staring at her. It was a little unnerving at first, considering she wasn’t really used to waking up to anyone at all, but his gaze was so reverent. It was as if he couldn’t believe his luck.

Sometimes, he pulled her close and held her tight. Other times, he’d kiss her hard, till her toes curled and her body flushed with desire. They weren’t experienced, but certainly ecstatic in their lovemaking. And each time Ben slid with her, hips tight against her own, that gorgeous, broad body of his hovering as he held himself still and waited for her to adjust, Rey couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of rightness, along with the aching desire.

Almost as if summoned by Rey’s thoughts, her bond with Ben shimmered into existence. She’d have to get somewhere private if she wanted to talk to Ben, but instead of taking those steps towards the barracks, she’d frozen in place.

Rey had been looking for Leia before the bond had distracted her. She’d assumed that the general would be with Lando, working out whatever kind of arrangement she could so that the Resistance could stay on Bespin indefinitely. Rey was worried for her. Though Leia tried to hide it, they all knew that her brush with death had taken more of a toll on her than she tried to let on.

Though the bond wasn’t fully open, Rey knew something was wrong the moment she felt their connection snap into place. Ben was going to _die_.

Rey ducked into an alcove as her heart sank. The polished walls reflected her panicked face as she tried to make sense of the situation. She couldn’t see where he was, only that he was suffering and that both the Force and his own intention were keeping them separated.

His thoughts reached hers. _Rey... Maker, I love you. I’m so sorry._

“This can’t be happening,” Rey tried to figure out what was going on—had Hux finally made a move?

Whatever was going on, Ben was fighting for his life. Was she to be the sole witness of his demise? _No_. She was not going to let him die. Somehow, she was going to find a way to keep him safe.

_Only... I wish I had more time. I love you so much._

He was giving up. There was no way this was going to be their ending. He had to _fight._ For her and for the future she’d seen together with him.

_Ben. Please, fight this. Find a way. Use the Force._

Tears streamed down her face as the rest of the city continued around her. Droids and creatures alike passed by where she stood, barely noticing her distress.

_Will I be free from this pain at last?_

His thoughts were almost peaceful at this point, resigned even. How long had he been suffering for? How long had he wondered about his own end?

_Fight this, Ben. Please. PLEASE._

She was bargaining, trying to think of anything that would keep him in this galaxy with her. Part of her, the lonely, stubborn part, still believed that if someone just wished hard enough, wanted it bad enough, they could even get the stars to bend to their will. Rey didn’t care. She was going to tear apart the fucking galaxy if she had to—she would _not_ lose him too.

_So beautiful. So good. I love you._

_Tell me the next time you see me, Ben. You are not dying today._

_I’ll find you. Somehow. Another life. I’ll come back for you. I promise, sweetheart._

The endearment triggered her. Fists clenched tight at her sides, Rey closed her eyes and concentrated, feeling out with her power and her intention.

_As if I’d give up on you so easily. I’m not waiting for another lifetime. I’ll find you, even if I have to drag you back into this life kicking and screaming. You don’t get to go unless I say so; do you hear me, Ben Solo? You’re not alone, Ben._

She could feel his happiness through the pain. He loved her so much and he was so grateful that he wasn’t alone, but it was more than just Rey’s presence that comforted him. There was something else, something more. A presence that she hadn’t felt since... _Jakku._

_Stay with me... until the end?_

_Always and forever..._ she assured him as he gradually faded from her mind.

At first, she was panicked, but then she wasn’t. Rey was filled with unbelievable feelings of comfort and contentment. Things would be alright. The Force had a plan that extended beyond her own present circumstances and it involved Ben as much as it did her.

Rey would wait, as difficult as that would be, as she’d done on Crait after deciding to leave Ben alive. She would wait and let the future unfold as the Force willed.

Because _he_ was going to come to her. She was sure of it and she needed to be ready.

* * *

When Kylo Ren’s command shuttle dropped out of hyperspace near Bespin, Rey could feel it—could feel _him._

 _Ben—BEN._ Rey reached out with her power, but only a glimmer of a response returned to her, but it was better than nothing. Their connection had been dormant for three days.

Three days of not knowing how badly he’d been wounded.

Three days of working herself up and then back down again as she remembered the will of the Force.

Three days of her friends slowing coming to realize that the woman they thought they knew had been hiding something from them even if they hadn’t yet realized the magnitude of her secret.

Then his ship had appeared and caused a near panic for the air traffic controllers. Of course, Lando had been notified, but nothing stayed secret for long. The moments passed in a blur as Rey caught snippets of conversation as she ran to the secondary docking bay. No one seemed to be able to understand what was going on at all.

The bay was on lockdown by the time she’d arrived, and the sky was a brilliant, glowing orange and cloudless as the command shuttle, scarred from recent damage, settled onto the dock.

Rey managed to catch the tail-end of the conversation that Poe and Leia were having. Guards and other members of the Resistance had crowded around, meaning there’d be an audience for what was to come next.

“Lando is working out the particulars, but they have Kylo Ren onboard and barely alive,” Poe reported, oblivious to the concerned looks Leia and Rey were giving him. “I say, we deny them entry and blow their ship to hell as they fly away.”

Lando sighed as he joined the group, annoyance flashing over that handsome, dark face. A navy-colored cape was draped over his shoulders matched with an understated, for _Lando,_ orange suit in a style that Rey had come to realize was fashionable on Bespin. A flashy cane was the only tell of his age— _experience,_ as he called it. Leia was pale and still in her dark mourning garb and Poe looked like he’d rushed out from the underside of an X-wing just to be there, his face more flushed than normal.

Unbelievably charming, Rey had been immediately suspicious of Lando, but with time and Leia’s encouragement, she’d come to enjoy being around him. Besides, he was a great storyteller, even if it was all half-truths and exaggerations.

Lando placed a hand on Leia’s shoulder as if he was trying to console her. “Good thing you don’t have a say in the matter then, Captain.”

_Lando must know that Ben’s her son. I wonder if Leia has told him about..._

But one look from Lando confirmed everything. Who else knew that she was in love with the enforcer of the First Order? Judging from Poe’s indifference, it was just Lando and Leia—for now.

She was going to lose her friends over this and her place in the Resistance, she was sure of it. How could they ever possibly understand what she had with Ben? If she were in their shoes, she’d probably think she was crazy too or being manipulated.

As the hatch to the command shuttle descended, two guards, flanking a hover-stretcher that contained Ben Solo—known to her friends as Kylo Ren. A cry left Rey’s lips before she could contain herself. Deciding that she’d deal with the questions later, she ran towards him.

Rey could _feel_ the shock and anger from onlookers as she ran to Ben’s side as her hand sought out his, holding tight.

“Oh, it’s _her,_ ” one of the battle-scarred women remarked to the other.

Rey shook her head a little as she realized how strange this must all be, except that they seemed to know her. Dressed similarly to how Kylo Ren had been the first time she’d seen him, the cut of their clothing was more functional and obviously tailored to suit a more feminine physique. Their masks, glimmering and terrible, hid both their identity and their species.

They looked like two dark angels, out for vengeance, and maybe that wasn’t far from the truth.

_They know me? How’s that possible unless Ben..._

“Look, little Jedi. He doesn’t have much time. We were able to stabilize him, but he can’t hold out for much longer.”

The vocalizer twisted her words and Rey was given a harsh reminder of the first time she’d met Ben and how terrifying he’d sounded. Apparently, the aesthetic transferred to his Knights.

“Follow me to the medbay, then,” Rey directed and, after a long pause, both of the women nodded and directed the hover-stretcher to follow along behind Rey as she all but ran through the hangar.

By the time they arrived, droids, doctors, and nurses were already waiting and quickly ushered Ben inside an operating room.

His guards hovered for a while before declaring that they’d be returning to their ship. If they didn’t like the escort they received from the Bespin Wing Guard, they said nothing, though their relaxed posture told Rey all she needed to know. These women were the threat and, if they wanted to, they could probably take out a significant portion of the spaceport.

It was hours before they finished working on Ben and, by the time the droid came into the drab-looking waiting area, Rey was a mess. Luckily, Leia was there to help and soon enough, Ben’s mother was being led into the sick room. Rey only hoped that she’d be allowed in next.

Eventually, Leia exited Ben’s room with tears in her eyes. After a little shake of her head, Rey knew not to get her hopes up. Had her feelings been wrong? Was she was going in there to say goodbye to Ben—for the last time. Rey was about to rush into the medical room when a heavy hand pulled her up short.

“Rey... what’s going on here?” Poe started to ask, annoyance flashing across his face, but Rey couldn’t handle any questions. Not now.

“I... I’ll explain it all later. After I talk to Leia, but first, I need to see him by myself.”

“So, you’re not going to explain why you just need to see the Supreme Leader of the First Order _alone_?”

“No, I’m not. This is something that involves the Force,” she said with finality even as Poe continued to mumble under his breath.

Rey ducked inside the medbay with barely a thought for how it looked. She was glad for the privacy in the small, chrome-colored room because she felt like she was going to cry.

He looked terrible. The days they’d shared on Naboo were all but erased. He’d been so vibrant, so full of life when they’d been together, but now he looked as if he was a few short moments away from death. An oxygen mask was on his face and IVs ran into his arms and chest as med-droids worked on his body. His clothing had been removed and his skin was worryingly pale—even for Ben. It was as if the life had been sapped out of him.

Rey pulled up a chair and sat beside him. Reaching out, she grabbed his hand, so big compared to her own, but just as rough. She sat and watched as the monitors beeped, as his chest rose and fell with obvious effort, and felt helpless and hollow as she felt him suffer.

There was always the possibility that one of them would end up like this. But what she hadn’t accounted for was how lost she felt. It wasn’t as if she’d needed anyone before, but with Ben, it had been staggering how much he’d come to mean to her in such a short time.

It felt like falling right back into that shaft on Jakku—dark and hopeless.

The med-droid had beeped something about poison damaging his lungs and that they had him on oxygen to help his breathing and she’d nodded along absently. It was hard to concentrate on listening when Ben was so close and suffering.

Eventually, Rey pulled her chair up closer and dipped her head on the side of Ben’s bed and fell asleep. Her dreams were restless, alternating between memories of their passionate encounters, and scenarios where Ben didn’t make it. Finally, a hand on her shoulder woke Rey from her sleep.

Bleary-eyed, Rey looked up and found that Leia had made her way into the med-bay and was now looking down on the son that she’d lost, who had finally returned to her.

“I always imagined what it would be like, to see him again. Didn’t quite think it would be like this,” Leia said while trying for a smile.

She looked regal, her long, dark robes flowing over her dress, Alderaanian mourning braid still twisted in her hair. Rey wondered absently whether Leia would ever stop grieving for Han, but it was a silly thought because, of course, she knew the answer to that question.

_Never. She’ll never get over him. She’ll move on because she has to, but no matter where she turns, his memory will linger with her._

Leia’s eyes skimmed over her son’s body. He’d been stripped of his clothes, likely to eliminate any residual toxins from seeping into his skin, and was covered with a thin, white sheet. He looked impossibly large compared to the small cot he lay on, bigger than life and surely not susceptible to something as common as death.

“Leia...,” Rey started, but the words died in her throat.

She knew that Ben had contacted Leia from Naboo, but she hadn't been able to speak with her privately before now.

Leia gave a little shake of her head. “I’ve known for a while, Rey. You don’t owe me an explanation. It’s going to make things more challenging, rather than easier, but I’ve been avoiding this for too long.”

Leia didn’t say it, but Rey could feel her through the Force and her feelings were... complicated. So much guilt and regret bundled up in her strong, petite body.

“Are you... I mean, is it okay?”

_Is it okay that I love him? Is it okay that I think he’s worth fighting for? Is it okay that I think he’s worth dying for? Is it okay that your son loves me? Am I enough?_

So many unvoiced concerns and questions.

Leia smiled at Rey. “You were always meant to be important to my family. Han knew it, and I could feel it as well. Whatever else is uncertain, you were meant to be with us.”

Rey blinked as tears flooded her eyes. It was more than she’d expected, by far.

“I... I wish I’d been able to help... before now,” she said, gesturing to Ben’s prone body.

Leia shook her head. “Whatever happened in the past, you weren’t responsible for it. I should have done... so many things concerning Ben. First and foremost, I should have never sent him away, but I was so afraid to lose him. I ended up having my fears realized because I allowed it to consume me. Learn from my mistakes and trust your feelings, Rey. They are more true and valuable than anything this galaxy has to offer.”

“Leia... I love him,” Rey admitted out loud, even though it was hard. Even though she knew that it might not be enough in the end.

“I know,” Leia said as tears trailed down her cheeks. “And I am so grateful for that. Ben... Even if he doesn’t come back for me, I am certain he’ll keep fighting for you. I think he’s been fighting for you for a long time...,” Leia trailed off.

Rey wondered if she was speaking about more than just this moment, for Rey had always felt that there might be more to her and Ben’s connection than either of them thought.

“The Force...,” Rey started as they both watched Ben struggle to stay alive.

“The Force has been an active part of my life for longer than I even realized. Believe me, trying to work against the Force only has unhappy outcomes.”

Rey nodded at that. She knew the truth of those words—had seen it firsthand on the Supremacy.

_Rey... I want you to join me._

She’d been so wrong. They both had. What they needed was something in between the dark side and the light. But Rey wasn’t certain she’d get an outcome that didn’t end in tragedy. Looking at Leia’s life, the Force didn’t have much empathy for individual concerns. Would the galaxy consume her son as it had consumed so much else of Leia’s life?

“You know, I didn’t want to like him,” Rey admitted. “He seemed to have everything I’ve ever wanted, and he threw it away with both hands. I had a hard time understanding that, well, until....”

“You have a connection. I understand. Luke and I had a similar bond. Makes it hard to stay mad at someone when you can see _and_ feel how they are inside, doesn’t it?” Leia asked as her small hand skimmed over her son’s arm.

The memories still rankled Rey, even as she’d come to understand Ben. He’d seemed so haughty and selfish to her, all those months ago on the Finalizer. There was Han, standing before his son and showing him a different path and Ky—Ben, he’d destroyed that link.

But everything wasn’t as it seemed. Snoke had been influencing Ben for as long as he could remember and the dark side... Well, it was more about strengthening the pain and suffering, channeling those dark energies into something terrible and powerful. Of course, Snoke had underestimated Ben’s connection to the light, but when he’d tried to dictate the same end for Rey... Ben had enough.

He chose her, just as Rey was choosing him, no matter how hard that outcome would be for her.

“What was he like, as a boy?” Rey wondered, almost to herself, but Leia took the opportunity to tell her tales about the child she remembered.

“He was always so serious and quick to anger, but also loving and sweet. His emotions were complicated... and it was a challenge for him to maintain any sort of balance. But I loved him so much. There was always a strong bond between us and Ben, well, he loved his father—idolized him, really. But his strength in the Force was confusing for Han, who was always a little too grounded. Not much room for mysticism when you’re running blockades....” Leia trailed off.

“Ben bragged about digging through the Imperial archives when we first met. It didn’t impress me, just made me wonder what kind of time he must have on his hands if the First Order was allowing him so much access to old data like that,” Rey mused as she remembered.

He'd been so sure of himself. And she’d taken him down a peg or six, but there’d still been that strange link between them both. He’d seen inside of her mind and heart as much as she’d seen inside of his. And their shared loneliness had pulled them both in until neither had been able to deny the claim their souls had made on each other.

“Sounds like something Ben would do. He was always drawn to rare, dusty things, even as a child.”

_Rare and dusty... I wonder if that’s how he saw me, at the start?_

Rey sighed as the reality of their situation settled on her shoulders.

“What are we going to do about any of this?” Rey asked.

Leia took Rey’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “We’re going to help Ben get better and then we’re going to help him realize that the only path forward is one that you both can take together.”

_Together..._

Rey liked the sound of that.

* * *

 

A/N  _Rey... I want you to join me._ Said by the esteemed Kylo Ren/Ben Solo on the Supremacy during a botched proposal during TLJ (Darth Darcy, indeed).

 _I’ll come back for you. I promise, sweetheart._ From the TFA novelization.

A presence that she hadn’t felt since... Paraphrased from Darth Vader’s lines during ANH about Ben Kenobi.

Rey would wait, as difficult as that would be, as she’d done on Crait after deciding to leave Ben alive. She would wait and let the future unfold as the Force willed.—not mine! Paraphrased from TLJ Novelization “Rey would wait, however difficult that would be to do as the First Order warships descended on Crait. She would wait, and the future would unfold as the Force willed.”

Any mistakes are my own because they keep me honest and humble (HAH NO) and my tendonitis is fucking MURDERING ME. This got a little wild and long, so the second half is almost ready to go, but my wrists and elbow hurt like a motherfucker sooooo there’s that. Thanks for all the reads/subs/comments. I honestly appreciate you all so much and the comments definitely hold me accountable lol and inspire me to write faster—so thank you! Chapter title taken from the song, Immortal Lover by Andrew Bayer, featuring Alison May! Which I listened to on repeat lol.

Also, the GFFA needs more Lando, so this girl is really hoping he makes an appearance in EPIX (FINGERS TOES EVERYTHING CROSSED). Oh, and more Reylo lol.

* * *

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend or leave a comment in the little box. Thanks again for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**

 

 


	16. Hold On To Eachother

Two weeks passed and, though Ben hadn’t woken up, his vitals had improved. His Knights left, which surprised Rey. The two intimidating women hovered for days before finally announcing that they had commitments which could not be ignored any longer.

It made Rey a little sad. Was Ben so alone in the First Order that even his own people didn’t care whether he lived or died? Still, the petite one—Vadon—had given Rey a cryptic message about how she was on the right path and not to lose her resolve.

The women never took off their masks as they stood vigil, and Rey assumed it was to preserve their anonymity which was smart. There was a fragile kind of truce that existed, for the moment, but some remaining members of the Resistance weren’t so eager to forget how Kylo Ren had fought and “killed” Luke Skywalker on Crait.

_Never mind Han... Or what the First Order did to the Hosnian system..._

But she’d worry about what would come next after Ben was awake. As it was, Rey was dozing when that familiar sensation tingled through her being. Her head snapped up, and she found herself looking into the highly sedated and somewhat bloodshot eyes of Ben Solo.

He blinked at her as if he didn’t quite believe what his eyes were seeing. “Am I dead?”

Rey let out a choked sob. “No. Almost, but no.”

Ben looked around the room warily. “Where the hell am I?”

Wiping her tears away, Rey replied, “Cloud City—Bespin. Your Uncle granted your Knights passage and, well, they left you with me.”

_Uncle... Lando?_

_Yeah, he’s been pretty worried about you. Also kind of pissed, but mostly worried. And your mother... And others..._

Though Chewie had remained a little distant, Rey could tell from his hovering that the Wookiee was concerned about Ben. Rey wondered how much longer Chewie would remain with them and whether he wanted to go back to Kashyyyk to be with his family. But she could worry about that later.

“Mother...,” Ben said with a sigh.

_Is she here? Are you here? Is this real?_

“It’s real, Ben,” Rey said while reaching out and grasping his big hand with hers.

His hand felt thinner, and his skin was almost translucent from the weeks of being sick. That worried Rey, but now that he was alive, he could really start to get better—right? Except...

_Ben... Are you okay?_

Ben gave her an uncharacteristically huge smile. “Better than okay, sweetheart!” he drawled.

_I know, Rey. I understand now. The way forward isn’t about the Resistance or the First Order—it’s about us and bringing balance, not order through obedience._

_And it only took a near-death experience for you to have this realization?_ Rey thought while adding a little squeeze from her hand.

Ben grumbled softly as his hand tightened around hers. “I had it before I left, but I thought I could impact a change from within. Hux meddled with that plan. But my Knights, he underestimated them. They uncovered a plot among the ranking officers—Rey, they want Hux gone. His leadership is a liability, even to those who consider themselves loyal to the First Order.”

“Your mother, she needs to know this...,” Rey started, but Ben wasn’t interested in talking about his mother, it seemed.

“Does she know how beautiful you are?” he said, and Rey realized that he might be a little more out of it than she’d anticipated.

“I don’t know that your mother is concerned with my appearance, Ben,” she replied with a little laugh.

Still, he wasn’t going to be deterred from his adoration. _Rey, do you know that in this light, you look like a goddess. You glow with warmth. I love you so much._

Rey was more than aware that Ben was _highly_ sedated, but her heart was warmed by his vulnerability and sweetness.

 _I think you might benefit from being drugged more often,_ Rey mused and, surprisingly, Ben let out a little laugh.

_Maybe. I always feel like I’m drugged when I’m with you..._

Rey stared at him. Looked at that beautiful, strange face that she’d come to love. Mapped the freckles of his face and neck with her eyes before stalling on his lips. She’d been so worried for him, half-certain that she’d never get the chance to be with him like this again.

“Ben...,” Rey started, but he shook his head and gently urged her up alongside where he lay.

It was a tight fit as Rey tried to maneuver herself onto the bed without tugging on his IVs, but they made it work.

_I love you. I am so sorry for making you worry..._

_Ben... Don’t ever do that again, okay?_

_It wasn’t exactly planned..._

_Well, how about you don’t leave my side again, how about that?_

Ben gave her a little half smirk as he angled his head closer. _I’ll see what I can do, scavenger._

Rey scrunched her nose but tilted her head up to meet his own. And when they kissed, it felt like the first time. She was as much inside of his head as he was hers and her heartfelt impossibly full.

_Ben. Ben. Ben!_

_I’m here. I’m here. I’m here,_ he assured her.

_I thought you were going to die at first, but I refused to believe it. The Force wouldn’t let me go down that path, but I wasn’t sure... not until your people brought you here._

She couldn’t say the words out loud, didn’t really trust her voice to communicate what she felt properly.

 _I thought I was going to die too,_ he admitted.

 _We need to work this out, Ben. I can’t bear the thought of losing you again,_ she thought.

Her feelings were clear, determined—Rey wasn’t going to take no for an answer and, to her surprise, Ben agreed.

_I don’t want to have to go through this life any longer without having you by my side. War solves nothing. We need to bring peace to the galaxy, but not with absolute control._

Rey tangled her fingers in his hair. “What are we going to do?”

_We’ll think of something. I’ll talk to... my mother about it..._

He didn’t finish his thoughts, but Rey understood that he was thinking about all that still lay between them. Rey knew that Ben felt horribly for how things had turned out, but communicating that to Leia was going to be one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

_She loves you so much, Ben. She was with me almost the entire time._

Rey’s thoughts were concerned and Ben picked up on them.

_How is her health?_

_Honestly? Not great. I’m worried for her, Ben. She gives all of herself to this cause... to everyone else. I don’t know how much remains for just her._

_She was always like that, even as a kid. She wouldn’t stop unless my father made her, and sometimes, not even then._

Rey peppered kisses across the scar on Ben’s shoulder. “She always loved you, Ben. Even when hope seemed to be lost, she never stopped loving you.”

Rey knew that Snoke had tried to make Ben believe that there was no one in the galaxy that understood him better than he, no one that cared for him and his potential more, but it had been an ugly manipulation of a boy who had felt lost in a world of strange expectation.

The dark side of the Force had always been there, lingering within his mind the same way it did in hers except, with Rey, there’d been no parental guidance to tell her whether those dark feelings were good or bad, they simply _were._

And that had made all the difference. Where Rey was able to hold a balance between both sides, Ben had been pushed further and further towards extremes. He’d made mistakes—great and terrible mistakes—but the resolution that was needed was from within himself.

Forgiveness had always been there—from Han, Leia, and even Luke. Now, Ben had to begin to forgive himself.

They lay for long moments, just basking in the simple joy of being together, until Ben took a look around, a confused expression passing over his face. “My mother is here? Where am I?”

Rey realized he was still groggy from the sedatives and, well, she hadn’t exactly explained where he was. He must have been too far gone when his Knights had decided their course.

“Bespin. Your Knights brought you here,” Rey answered, conveniently leaving out the part about the rest of the Resistance being there—what remained of it, anyway.

His Knights hadn’t been very forthcoming with the details, but she’d managed to discern that there’d been a coup and they’d been able to retreat, though Ben had been badly wounded.

“Bespin. Uncle Lando?” he mumbled.

Rey nodded. “Yeah, he’s pretty worried about you. Angry, but also worried. He’s been watching over you these few weeks—and telling stories.”

_What kind of stories?_

Ben’s thought shimmered through their bond and Rey felt an immediate surge of relief. Though she’d felt incomplete without Ben’s presence, she hadn’t realized how good it would feel to have their connection back.

_Embarrassing ones. Apparently, you liked to run around naked when you were a kid._

Ben let out a little croak, almost a laugh. _If I recall, that preference for nudity doesn’t seem to be a problem for you now._

Rey blushed. "You're the worst."

The med-bay was the last place they should be having this kind of conversation, and yet...

 _I thought I’d never get to see you again, let alone touch you,_ she admitted.

Everything about their connection was intense, including their physical desires. It was almost as if the bond between them amplified every emotion until, sometimes, it felt like they were a single unit.

Maybe it should have worried her, feeling so dependent upon him, but after a lifetime of only being able to count on herself, it felt nice to be able to have someone to share with. Except... Ben's thoughts turned to her, specifically what he wanted to  _do_ to her. Everything. In explicit detail.

_Ben. You’re still sedated, and you almost died. How can you even be considering that?_

Ben groaned, shifting gingerly on the bed as he brought a hand up to play with her loose hair.

“You’re going to rip out your IVs,” she chided, even as she pressed into his clumsy touch.

_It’d be worth it. Kriff, Rey, I’d do anything to make you happy. You’re so beautiful and wonderful and I just love you so much._

Rey peeked up at Ben, sure enough, his eyes were glassy and heavy-lidded.

 _I think someone just got another dose of painkillers,_ she observed.

_No, it just feels like I’m seeing clearly for the first time. Gods, Rey. I want you so badly. That little noise you make when you come. Oh, Maker, how you twist your hips when I fuck into you._

Rey let out a little gasp as his mind blended into her own again. Her blood pressure spiked as her body responded to the promise of his thoughts. She had to divert this—what if someone interrupted them?

_Ben. You have to stop. I’m going to let you rest now because this is not going to help you recover._

_Rey. Rey. Rey. Rey of light. Have I told you that? That you’re a ray of light in my life. You always have been, you know... I felt you, long ago. And when I found you... It was like coming home._

“Ben, rest for me, okay?” Rey said while slipping off the side of the bed.

Ben seemed to instinctively reach for her, so she let her fingers thread with his as he continued to alternate between delirious visions of them together and drug-enhanced, sweet nothings.

Rey felt as if she was experiencing some of Ben’s side effecs, like he was pulling her into himself with his power. She could see them together in her mind, but somehow it felt more like a vision and less like a fever-dream.

They were searching for something—answers, but mostly they were searching for ways to help others. Of course, that allowed for time alone together, which they also took advantage of. He was sweet in this vision, sweeter than even she’d come to expect him to be.

Somehow, this Ben was different from _her_ Ben. Was this how he wished he was? Outside of the influence of Snoke or even the Jedi, was this what Ben Solo would have become? Rey felt that, in another time, in another place, or perhaps even the future, this was what Ben saw for himself.

And it nearly broke her heart.

****In her vision, Ben stared down at her, hips shifting as he pressed deep within her. She liked the feel of his big body on top of hers. He was heavy, but the pressure of his muscles and the feel of him within was wondrous. He could feel her thoughts and his lips quirked as he gently shifted her legs over his shoulders, greatly increasing the angle of her body.

This way— _Maker,_ it felt delicious when he took her like this. Pressed and splayed before him as his body sought to draw out the pleasure that only he could give her. She could feel him too, the way he loved how she clenched _hard_ around him, the soft movement of her petite breasts as he thrust into her, the way her teeth caught her bottom lip as she moaned for him—it was exquisite.

This Ben, this vision, he laughed more. Smiled a lot. It made her heart ache for a moment and hope for a time where it could be true—where he _could_ let go of the past and the pain and become this. And yet, she found that she also loved Ben as he was now. It was hard to relate to people sometimes; hard to relate when a person didn’t grow up alone, or with hardship. It was a challenge for Rey to understand that their circumstances and understanding was different from her own. Not everyone was mired in pain and loneliness.

But Ben, _Oh... Ben._

He completed her like no one else. She only hoped that she’d be able to draw out the happiness from within him and compliment it with her own.

The vision shifted to another time and place. Ben was whispering every lurid detail of what he wanted to do to her—how, where, when—and Rey was squirming while trying to keep her composure.

They weren’t alone, not at all. They were in a Cantina.

Loud music was being played by an eclectic, non-humanoid band. Looked like Biths. They were fantastic, but Ben was distracting her from the sounds of the music. They were supposed to be negotiating with... she wasn’t sure who, she only knew that they were important and also bored. A Mandalorian? Whoever they were, they were drunk and had apparently lost interest in whatever Ben and Rey had come to offer.

_Ben, this isn’t working!_

_Isn’t it?_ he asked, as his lips brushed against the shell of her ear.

_What are you? Oh..._

Apparently, this Mando liked to watch and Rey found that maybe... she liked it too?

_Oh. Oh dear._

_Sweetheart, I’m going to make you say a lot more than that pretty quick,_ Ben assured her as his arms pulled her closer. She was practically in his lap at this point and Ben was enjoying this? Taunting the Mandalorian?

“ _Gar’re a tratur cuyir jate isirir, Solo,_ ” the Mandalorian rasped as his hands dipped lower and _lower_ between the legs of the impossibly beautiful human female sprawled on his lap, her legs splayed over his own.

 _Ni ganar jate jate’kara megin ni ganar ibic dala’s kar’taylir darasuum,_ Ben replied.

Rey knew only the most basic of Mandalorian, but she understood enough to know that she was being spoken about.

“How about you two come back a little later, eh? I’ll give you and your little beauty what you’re after, Jedi,” the Mandalorian suggested as he picked up the woman and wrapped her around his front. Her hands were very obviously fishing for his cock as, apparently, they had _no_ qualms about enjoying each other in public.

Rey felt the flush rise into her cheeks. She wasn’t a prude, but this Mandalorian pushed at even her boundaries, still... the way Ben was looking at her was making her sex pulse with need.

“C’mon, sweetheart,” Ben said while pulling Rey to her feet.

“Ben where are we...?” The words stopped dead on her lips at his heated look.

His eyes roamed over her body. He wanted Rey, _badly,_ and he was going to get her.

Just like that, she was ready for him. Just like that, she was willing to do whatever she needed to get him between her legs and inside of her. Theirs was a raw and consuming kind of passion and she willingly gave herself over to that need.

“We’ll be back,” Ben called to the Mandalorian, though his eyes never left her own. In the low-light of the cantina, his irises looked inky-black, as if some dark power had possessed him and all that remained was his need.

She liked that too, like that she did this to him. Rey let Ben lead her to a dark alcove as they pawed at each other. It was wildly reckless, what they were doing. What if they got caught? But his lips were on her neck and her hands were on the buttons of his pants, so it didn’t seem that she minded so much.

It was lucky that she’d decided to wear a skirt, hoping that a more vampy-look would aid their quest. It had, maybe a little _too_ well. Rey let her panties slide down around her legs as Ben dipped to snap up the scrap of clothing.

“Mine,” he growled as Rey laughed.

Rey’s hand trailed low, skimming over the muscles of his abdomen before dipping lower.

With a tight squeeze of his rigid length, Rey purred, “ _Mine_.”

Ben took a deep breath, seemingly to calm himself as Rey released him from his pants. Ben grinned before his hands trailed down and over her ass. With a squeeze, he lifted while Rey shifted and angled his cock against her slick entrance.

One long, hard slide later, and he was in her as they groaned in unison. With the beat of the music and the murkiness of the lighting, they were mostly private. And it wasn’t as if they were the only creatures that had gotten a little too wrapped up in each other—given what the Mandalorian and his partner had started to do, right in front of them.

“You’ve made me into something wicked,” she chided as Ben backed her tight against the wall.

“But only for me,” he whispered harshly against her lips. “You are mine, Rey. Say it.”

“I’m yours, Ben. Oh... only yours!” she whined as he pressed up tight inside of her.

His hips ground into her as his hands kept her legs splayed wide. Rey dug one hand into his shoulder while the other threaded through his dark, thick hair. She was going to lose herself to this man, to this moment. There was no one else in the galaxy that made her feel the way Ben Solo did, no one in the galaxy that she’d let do this to her either.

He was the exception to every rule she’d thought she’d had, and she was his.

And _Maker,_ he was so kriffing strong, and as if that knowledge didn’t make her sex clench around him. She loved how powerful he was and how powerful he made her feel. Their bond pulsed between them, like an extension of the powerful and hauntingly erotic music.

If the galaxy collapsed on itself, and nothing remained, save for the memory of this moment, it would be enough. No matter what, as long as they were together, it would be more than enough. Ben lifted a hand to his lips before giving an obscene suck to his thumb.

His hand dipped, sought out that hidden bundle of nerves between her thighs and he stroked in time with his thrusts.

“Ben, Ben, Ben,” she cried, the words almost a prayer from her lips.

She was close. So close! Just a little more and she’d come apart as he fucked her against the wall of a seedy cantina, neither of them willing to wait long enough to get somewhere more private.

Rey tugged his head hard towards hers and she captured his mouth in a fierce kiss that Ben returned with a groan. He loved it when she pressed just a little too hard, when their pleasure edged towards pain.

“Ben,” she gasped against his lips. “Don’t stop.”

Ben locked eyes with Rey as he declared, “This is ours. This moment belongs to us and I will see it made manifest.”

It felt like he was speaking out of time and that, if she just wanted it badly enough, she’d realize her dreams. It was all so curious and strange until...

Rey blinked and snapped back into reality as her cheeks flushed. Whatever Ben had been thinking or dreaming about, he was out cold now. More than a dream, it felt like a memory—maybe of things yet to come? Rey bit her lip and resisted the temptation to think about Ben’s illicit thoughts any further. They had more pressing matters at hand, his recovery, for one.

_And there’s still the little matter of what to tell your friends and everyone else._

Rey stared down at Ben as he slept. His dark eyelashes fanned against his pale skin; his lips were flushed red and cracked a little from his illness. His skin still looked a little pale, but better. 

_Definitely going to live... But what is going to happen to him once everyone knows he’s awake?_

Rey wouldn’t let anyone hurt him, no matter what Ben had done or who he was to them, but Rey against an angry mob would be some supremely shitty odds.

 _Maybe I can get Leia on my side,_ she mused as she took up her customary spot beside Ben. Hours passed and Rey woke again, head on Ben’s bed, as Leia’s familiar presence filled the room, except this time, Ben was awake for it.

“Hi, mom,” his deep voice croaked as tears filled his eyes.

“Hi, Ben,” Leia replied as a sad expression crossed her face.

There was so much pain and heartache between them both, but Rey knew that this would be the first step towards a reconciliation and one that they needed to do privately. With a yawn, Rey stood and shuffled out of the way, even as Ben reached for her.

“Rey...,” he called and her heart lurched.

The last thing she wanted was to leave, but this was Leia’s son and they had more than a decade of feelings to work through.

“I’ll be close,” Rey promised before reaching out to give his hand a squeeze.

Leia looked on, a little stunned, but seemingly happy with how close her son was to Rey. As Rey turned to leave, Leia surprised her by reaching out and pulling her in for a tight hug.

“Thank you, Rey,” she said, her raspy voice choked with emotion.

“Would that I could have done more sooner,” Rey replied as she returned the hug.

Leia settled beside her son and Rey left as they started to speak to one another in low tones, Rey didn't really want to face what she knew was going to be a long and complicated conversation with her friends and Poe. But she couldn’t hide in the med-bay forever and they’d been kind enough to give her time to figure out whatever the hell it was she wanted to tell them.

_Hi, yeah. Remember that guy who killed Han Solo, maimed Finn, attacked me, and just so happens to be the, well, former Supreme Leader of the galaxy? I love him. No, no. We share a mystical bond and I was able to determine that there’s more to him than meets the eye—truly!_

Rey sighed. It sounded ridiculous, even to her, but it was the truth. But the information Ben had given her could prove to be invaluable—dissension among the ranks was a great bit of news for the broken Resistance.

Maybe the answer was simpler than she realized. If the First Order couldn’t even trust its own people, perhaps division would be easier to sow between them than they’d thought.

 _Maybe there’s hope for more people like Finn..._ Rey wondered as she slowly walked towards the mess hall.

For the first time in weeks, Rey felt hopeful, even if the future was uncertain. It would be hard and there was much to atone for, but Ben and Leia talking was an overdue step in the right direction and now, Rey had to do the same. It was time to face her friends and tell them the truth—all of it.

 

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Hey all! Writing has been taking aaaaaaaaaaaaloooooooot out of me lately (blah blah chronic pain blah blah), but I'm trying to keep at it. This should be wrapped up innnn I think 2 chaps? Maybe 3, including epilogue? We'll see how it goes. I have to admit, I couldn't pass up the change to write slightly-sedated Ben lol. I imagine he'd be fucking adorable or like terrified at everything? One of the two. Adorable is more fun to write about. Tragedy on Bespin, tragedy on Bespin. I wonder, if you have the Force, do shitty situations manifest because of that connection to the will of the Force? Can you avoid them if you avoid the Force (was this an issue in KotOR 2?). I guess with Luke, it shows that, even if you cut out the Force, that bitch is always waiting in the shadows for you.

Is the Force good? Is it bad? Rebels kind of gets into this with Bendu (it just is), but lawd almighty, does it seem to fuck up circumstances for some people.

So there’s some funky SW language translator online that gave me the Mando convo, so if it’s wrong... I don’t speak Mandolorian (UNFORTUNATELY) lol, so you’ll have to forgive me.

Gar’re **a** tratur cuyir jate isirir **.** You are a man of good taste, Solo.

 **Ni** ganar jate jate’kara megin **ni** ganar ibic dala’s kar’taylir darasuum **.** I have good luck that I have this woman’s love.

Man, I love Star Wars lol.

Song title is a lyric from Florence + The Machine's new song  _June._

**At any rate, thank you all for your messages/comments/reblogs/engagement I love you all and I so appreciate the time you spend reading this. I literally wouldn't write if it wasn't for you all (GUEST KUDOS PEOPLE, I SEE YOU AND I LOVE YOU TOO. TRY TO GET AN AO3 ACCOUNT SO I CAN THANK YOU PERSONALLY).**

* * *

 

**Come visit me on Tumblr @[pacificwanderer](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pacificwanderer). My inbox is always open if you need it. If you’ve enjoyed this fic, please feel free to share with a friend or leave a comment in the little box. Thanks again for all the kudos, subs, and the comments. I love to hear what you think and I absolutely appreciate all of the support (and I am absolutely fueled by it).**

 


	17. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ben is poisoned and nearly killed by a scheming Hux, he finds himself in Cloud City on Bespin where his past and future finally catch up with him. The more time he spends in the city, the greater the danger himself and for others. With the First Order and the New Republic on his tail, Ben Grapples with what to do next while Rey has plans of her own as they both come to find that the way forward, is sometimes the way back. Alternatively titled, Ben is a bit of an idiot. (Hi, I’m not dead but I am super sorry for taking so long between updates. More comments at the end. I love you and hope your holidays went well!)

Ben thought that there would be more time, but he always seemed to think that. Life was uncertain, and he needed to stop waiting, stop wondering, and seize the moment—for himself and to keep Rey safe.

But the first step for Ben was one of reconciliation.

His mother always seemed to be larger than life, but looking at her now was startling for Ben. She’d aged, and he’d added to the stress in her life in so many ways. Was she smaller than he remembered? Or was he just bigger? There were more lines around the corners of her eyes and lips, her hair was a little grayer, but her eyes were bright and clear as she stared at him. Despite it all, her strength shined through as her steady Force signature reached out to his.

Leia started first. “It’s been a long time, Ben.”

He couldn’t stop the delirious bubble of laughter that rolled up from inside him. “I don’t know what to say, other than I’m sorry.”

Her shoulders drooped a little as the full weight of the years between them and the tragedy they’d both experienced seemed to settle on her. She’d stared down the destruction of her home planet, lost her parents, countless friends... but her legacy was one of resistance, one of strength in the face of insurmountable odds.

She was a hero, his mother, and the face of the Resistance. He had many regrets and so much to atone for. Language hadn’t evolved enough to the point that it could heal the wounds that existed between them, but fortunately, for Ben Solo and Leia Organa, sometimes words weren’t needed.

Leia reached out and held his hand, her fingers threading with his and they sat in silence. As his mother shifted closer, he still saw the love in her eyes despite all that had happened.

“How can you ever forgive me?” Ben choked out as the fear, sadness, and the humiliation all finally bubbled to the surface.

Leia disentangled her hand before reaching out to gently brush her fingers through his hair—just like she used to when he was a boy and upset. A shudder ran through Ben at her touch and it was so much more than just comfort, it was _connection._

_Has it always been this way for us, Mother?_ he asked, wondering whether she could perceive his thoughts and feelings as well as he could hers.

_I think so. It’s gotten stronger with age and with you close again. I could always feel you, Ben. Even in the darkness, I could feel you there—that bright sliver of light within you never dimmed, even in the face of all that darkness. I am so sorry, Ben._

_I am the one who should be sorry!_

“It goes both ways,” Leia assured him. “There was so much about my past and our family history that I kept from you and my inability to face the pain turned it into something that could be used as a weapon by Snoke. I should have told you everything, the good and the bad.”

“Even if you did, do you think it would have made a difference?”

Leia shrugged. “I should have tried. Your power was so raw and volatile, but instead of helping you, I sent you away in fear. Ben, I always loved you, and I wasn’t afraid of _you,_ but afraid of the potential that our bloodline holds. I wanted to do what was best for you, but I made you vulnerable and hurt you in ways I... I just didn’t anticipate. I thought I was doing what was best for you, but maybe I was only doing what I thought was best for me. You should have never had to live with the burden of our legacy alone. You were never at fault—for this.”

“Snoke was...” Ben started before trailing off.

_Always there. I should have known that you’d be a target. I should have trusted my instincts instead of letting the fear take hold. There’s darkness in our family, but a brilliant and strong light as well. I should have trusted that with the light, we could bring balance to the dark. Instead, I made you feel like a monster. My boy... my beautiful son, can you ever forgive me?_

Ben swallowed thickly. “There is nothing to forgive. And how can you say that when I....?” He couldn’t finish. The gravity of the past and his mistakes weighed heavy between them.

Her voice was choked when she finally responded. “You’ve always had my forgiveness. Han... your father... We both knew what the stakes were....”

_All we ever wanted was for you to come home. All your father wanted was for you to know how much he loved you. A parent would do anything for their child. And... you’re home now._

_At what cost, Mom?_

Leia let out a deep sigh. “I know in my heart, if Han could speak to you now, he’d tell you that he wouldn’t change a thing.”

_That’s all well and good, but he’s not. And I... Mom. I killed my father. I killed your husband._

_You did what you thought you needed to do in order to placate Snoke. If we’d been there for you sooner, things would have been very different. We should have done more. Said more. But there was always an excuse... until things took a turn._

“What if it was always meant to be this way? I mean, our family... my grandfather. We’re drawn to the darkness.”

“And our mistake lies in trying to deny that truth. What we need—what should have been clear all along—was that there needs to be a balance. A way to find harmony without the extremes. I left you vulnerable when I should have been there for you, when your father and I _both_ should have been there for you. There is so much I would change if I could go back and start all over again—so many things I would have been more honest about.”

“Me too,” Ben agreed. If he’d only known to wait... that there was someone out there like him, looking for answers and guidance, and waiting for a better life. Maybe things wouldn’t have been quite so fucked if he’d known.

“All we can do now is move forward and make a better future, for ourselves and the galaxy. Things are going to get better, you’ll see,” Leia assured him, though she looked uncertain about her own words.

“I don’t really see how they can, Mom.”

_Once the rest of the Resistance realizes who I am and what I have become..._

“I don’t want to be the reason anyone else gets hurt. Not you, not Rey. No one. I’ve done too much....”

Leia squared her shoulders, her dark eyes locking with her son’s. “It’s never too late to take a step in the right direction. We will get through this, somehow. And Rey....”

Ben could feel his face flushing as the conversation turned towards his scavenger.

A mischievous smile spread over Leia’s face. “I guess we never did end up having ‘the talk,’ did we? Unless your father beat me to it?”

“Mom!” Ben choked. “It’s a little too late for that.”

Leia’s eyebrows shot up. “Is that right? Your thoughts are rather loud where she’s concerned....”

“I mean... Things are complicated between Rey and me, but I love her and she loves me. Somehow, we’re going to make it work....” Ben rambled, squirming under his mother’s delighted gaze.

“Ben, you don’t owe me any sort of explanation. I’m kidding and I love her too. She’s special. We could use more people like her in the galaxy,” Leia said.

“She’s the missing piece. Without her, I don’t see an end to any of this,” Ben explained and Leia seemed to agree.

“From the first moment I met her, I knew that Rey was meant to be a part of our lives and our story. I think her determination will find a way to bring balance....”

Ben was about to agree when they were interrupted. It seemed his concerns were well-founded because Rey came rushing back into the medbay with news.

“The remnants of the New Republic are here and they want Ben,” she announced. “Lando needs to discuss some things with you and, for now, we need to move Ben into containment. It’s not safe here for him, apparently.”

She looked, felt, and _sounded_ angry as if she’d been fighting whatever the Resistance had decided since the moment she’d heard their intentions.

“I’ll go see what I can do,” Leia assured them both. Leia reached out and grabbed Ben’s hand, giving one final squeeze before rushing from the small room.

“Do you think you can walk, Ben?” Rey asked. “I insisted on moving you because I’m concerned that someone might be tempted by the bounty on your head and act on their own.”

“There’s a bounty on my head?” Ben asked as he slowly slid his legs over the side of the bed. A medical droid hovered over to help remove the IVs and monitors from Ben’s body.

“Yup. Lando says he’s never seen a bounty this big before. I’m not sure on the exact number, but it’s in the millions of credits. Apparently, you’re a valuable man.”

“Well, they’ll need an appropriate scapegoat if they want to win over the remainder of the public to their side. What better way to do that than with a public sacrifice?”

Rey scrunched her face up at him as she helped him stand. “That’s so morbid, Ben. You seem fairly sturdy. Looks like the meds have been doing their job?”

She was still worried, he could tell, but she was hiding it better than he expected. If anything, she seemed determined, almost as if she was working through her own plans.

“Oh!” she exclaimed before heading over to a small closet. “Not all of your clothes made it, but I managed to salvage the cape and boots.”

Rey reached inside and dragged out his long cape and boots before handing the items over to him. “It’ll cover your ass. No offense, but I don’t want the entire Resistance to see you half-naked,” Rey said with a wink.

Ben supposed his gown was a little revealing.

“This really doesn’t fit so well,” he remarked while Rey helped him shoulder his cape.

“You’re a little taller and broader than the patients that they normally treat,” Rey replied and he could hear the smile in her voice. “There is a _sizable_ gap back there, Ben.”

He coughed. “Yes, well. Let’s get a move on before I have to greet the galaxy wearing this,” he said while gesturing to his robes.

“Good idea.”

It took a little while for Ben to get his boots on his feet as his balance was pretty terrible, but he and Rey managed. After he was mostly dressed, Rey led Ben through the corridors of Cloud City, which was relatively deserted. “Is no one out at this time of night? I remember it being busier here,” Ben wondered.

“There’s a curfew in place because of how close the First Order is to the system, though I’ve never seen much activity on this level,” Rey explained. “They’re looking for you, though somehow, we’ve managed to keep your location a secret. I don’t think our luck is going to hold out for much longer though considering someone alerted the remainders of the New Republic.”

_You don’t have many friends in the Resistance,_ Rey thought as she gently tugged Ben along.

_That’s not really surprising, given what the First Order and I have done._

_But they don’t know the whole story, Ben. They attribute crimes to you that you never committed. There’s so much more going on here than many realize._

_Well, I do have more than a few crimes to atone for._

_And you will and you have. Moving forward and doing better is the only thing that any of us can do. We’ve all made mistakes in the name of some faceless greater good. We should be working together, not breaking into factions. If there were more people like you... like Finn... I think we could make a real change in the galaxy—for the better._

But there wasn’t much time to continue with their discussion. When they reached the containment area, there was one lone droid on duty. Rey explained that the cells were mostly used for high-ranking individuals, which meant he should have some privacy.

Rey fished out a datapad from her pocket and handed it to the security droid, who ushered them both into a small cell. There was a bed, a sink and toilet, and not much else.

“But you should be safe here. Safer than where you were, anyway,” Rey offered

Ben sat on the edge of the small bed and realized he was more tired than he realized.

_Almost dying will do that, I hear._

Rey helped Ben with his boots before he settled into the bed. Rey climbed in alongside him. It was cramped, but Ben felt more content than he had in a very long time, almost as if things were finally starting to go in a direction that didn’t feel completely fucked—as if he’d finally cued into his place and what he needed to do next.

It wasn’t long before Rey was called out of his cell on official Resistance business, apparently. She didn’t tell him where she was going and he didn’t ask, Ben just gave her a kiss before she slipped out of his bed and left the containment cell.

He was asleep by the time she returned and awoke at the feel of her slinking into his bed.

“This thing is almost as terrible as your sleeping arrangements on the Supremacy,” she grumbled.

“It’s a far cry from Naboo,” he agreed before asking, “Doesn’t the Resistance... Well, why are you here with me, Rey? Isn’t this a conflict of interest?”

_Majorly. And I don’t give a shit. They only see the present and I’ve seen the future—so have you. There’s more at stake here than they realize and I’m not going to let you out of my sight when there are so many people here who want you dead._

“You’re not a very good Jedi,” he mused while wrapping his arms tight around her waist.

“I’m not a Jedi. I’m not sure what I am, but I’m learning and I think, one day, I’ll be able to figure it out....”

_With your help,_ she finished.

_You’re putting a lot of faith in me, Scavenger._

_I’m putting my faith in the Force. We’ve got a lot of life left to live, Ben. And I’m not interested in watching you almost die again._

Ben brushed his lips against her brow as he assured her, “It was all worth it. I’d spend a lifetime in this cell if I get to be this close to you.”

Rey snorted. “Well, thanks for that. But you can’t blame me if I’m looking for a life that’s a little less... prisony, and with fewer brushes with death.”

Her emotions were in turmoil, from their circumstances or for what was yet to come, Ben wasn’t certain, but he did know how to rectify that particular problem.

Ben planted a lingering kiss on the column of her throat as Rey purred. “You’re trying to distract me.”

“Is it working?” he asked as his hand trailed under the hem of her shirt, gently cupping her breast over her thin wrappings.

“Hmph,” she said, but it sounded more like a purr. “This is a bad idea, Ben.”

He knew that, but he seemed to be committed to making bad decisions where she was concerned.

“We might have guests soon. They weren’t too keen on letting me back in here, you realize,” she said, breath catching as his fingers gently rolled a peaked nipple.

“Why ever not?”

“They’re concerned I’m going to break you— _Oh!—out,_ ” Rey managed as Ben gently nipped her shoulder.

_Are you?_ Ben wondered as his hands explored.

_Maybe. Yes. If I need to. Finn, Rose, and I have been working out a plan... and, well, I’ll do whatever I need to keep you safe. There’s no way that I’m going to let anyone hurt you..._

She was so much more than he deserved and Ben wondered if she knew how much he was willing to do to keep her safe as well?

_But... in the meantime... Maybe we can make the best of a bad situation?_ Ben’s thoughts wandered to all that they’d done with each other and all that he still wanted to do with Rey and just as she was about to indulge him, they both turned their heads towards the cell’s entrance in anticipation. A loud scraping noise and yelling was all the warning they got before yelling sounded from outside of the cell.

“What in the...?” Rey started to say, but that ended on a cry as the doors to the cell burst open while Rey pulled Ben’s hand out from under her shirt.

“Finn? Rose?” Rey said, slinking out of the bed before standing and crossing over to where her friends stood, breathing hard.

“Seems we have a thing for prison breaks, eh, Finn?” Rose joked.

“Seems that way. Rey, we have to get you and _him_ out of here. They’ve come for Kylo Ren.”

“Who’s come for him?” Rey cried. “The First Order?”

Finn shook his head with a smirk. “No, what remains of the New Republic. Another contingent arrived a few hours ago. Some former senator—Carise? She wants his head. Seems to think that if she gives him over to Hux, he’ll be lenient when the First Order continues on its path of destruction. Leia is disinclined to agree.”

“Shit. How much time do we have?” Rey asked.

“Minutes, maybe. Lando is working something out. Said something about a ship?”

Rey tried to remember whether Lando had ever mentioned a ship before, and it finally dawned on her. “The Vantillian catamaran! It’s in the western skipdock—Lando and Leia were planning on using it to help the Resistance, but I think this is going to take precedence.”

“I brought this,” Rose said with a grin as she dug something out of her pack. With a wink and a toss, Rose threw Ben’s lightsaber towards him. Ben plucked the ‘saber from the air as if he’d been expecting it before returning Rose’s smile as, with a press of the dead man switch, it ignited, casting the room in an eerie glow.

“Yeah, I’m not too good with seeing that so close to me again,” Finn deadpanned.

Ben had the decency to look chagrinned and mumbled, “Yeah. I think I owe you an apology for that... and more.”

But Finn only shook his head. “Another time. Right now, we need to get you both the hell out of here.”

“But why do this? Why help us?” Ben asked though he realized that the thought had never occurred to Rey. Her friends might not understand the decisions that she made, but they believed and trusted in her, which made all the difference.

“It’s what friends do and, besides, _Leia hates_ Carise. And the last thing that’s going to help the galaxy is giving up one powerful Force user to a megalomaniac. Besides, if I can come around and leave the First Order... Maybe Kylo Ren can too?”

Ben could feel Rey’s gratitude and love for her friends. They’d risk everything for her, even if that meant saving someone like him. He was glad that she had people like this in her life who would be able to help her navigate through the pain and confusion if everything ever went south.

“We need to be smart about this. No one knows that you’re free, aside from us. And no one knows that you’re Leia’s son, either. As far as they know, you’re just the Enforcer, Kylo Ren, and one hell of a bargaining chip for the New Republic,” Finn explained as they carefully filed out of the cell.

“So they don’t know what I look like?” Ben asked as he eased himself from the bed.

“Well, you’re not going to be easy to hide considering how much of you there is,” Rose said while waving vaguely in his direction.

Ben didn’t know what to make of that, but before he could cut in, Finn finished for Rose.

“Considering the New Republic showed up so quickly, someone on the inside must have let on that you’re here, so it won’t take much for them to figure out what you look like given that half of the Resistance saw when you were first carted in. But Rose thought of that,” Finn said while shooting Rose an adoring smile.

Fishing around in her pack, Rose pulled out some clothes and passed them over to Ben. “You’re pretty tall, but I did my best to scavenge some clothes. Lando helped,” she said with a wink.

Ben stared down at the pile of clothes in his arms. “A cape?”

Rose shrugged. “You know it. Lando is Lando and wouldn’t hear about you wearing something a little less showy.”

Rey shook her head, but Ben could tell how happy her friends made her and that her trust in them seemed to be well-founded. That they would do this... for him. It was too much.

“Are you going to be able to change on your own?” Rey asked. He hadn’t exactly been standing for long, but he was more lethargic than anything.

“I’m tired, but I think I can manage.”

“We’ll turn around and let you change,” Rey said before motioning for everyone to turn away from Ben.

Rose gave Rey a knowing look. “As if there’s anything you haven’t—”

“Cut it,” Rey glared before giving her friend a smile. “Just let us know if you need help, Ben.”

His movements were a little stiff, but he managed. The cream shirt exposed way too much of his chest for his liking, but the pants fit well enough and his boots fit over the fabric fine. A dark leather jacket fit him a little too tight, and then there was the issue of where to hang his lightsaber.

Rey gave him a once-over before commenting, “You look like a right proper scoundrel.”

“My father would be proud... My mother, not so much,” Ben joked.

The ache in his heart was there still, but it was fading a little. It wasn’t as if he forgave himself for the pain he’d brought his family, but he trusted in their belief in him—their love was more than enough and he intended to make good on that trust, no matter what.

Finn motioned towards the exit. “Rose and I will head out first and find Leia. You two follow after. Go straight to the western skipdock. I don’t know how much time we’ll have before they realize he’s gone.”

“You’re not coming with us?” Rey asked.

“Nah, got a few loose ends we need to tie up here, but we’ll join you later, peanut,” Finn assured her.

“Take care of Rey,” Rose said to Ben as her eyes filled with tears.

“I’ll do whatever I can to keep her safe,” he assured her as Rose gave him a short nod.

Quick as a whip, Rose launched herself into Rey’s arms, holding her tight around the middle as she whispered into her ear. Ben couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, but judging from the tears in Rey’s eyes, whatever it was, it was important.

“Take care of each other,” Rey managed as Rose finally pulled back. “Rendezvous as soon as you can.”

Rey held her hand out for Finn, who took it before pulling her in for a close, tight hug.

“Take care of her, Solo,” Finn said over Rey’s shoulder.

Ben’s voice caught in his throat before he replied, “I... I will. No matter what.”

Finn gave a short nod before motioning for Rose to take his hand. “Ready?”

“Always.”

Finn and Rose walked towards the exit, but before either could press the release for the door, Finn turned back and, with a smile said, “May the Force be with you both.”

Rey laughed. “Well, it got us into this mess, might as well get us all out of it.”

With one final wave, they were gone. Rey and Ben were alone and suddenly the air felt thick between them. There was so much yet to come, so much that was unknown, but at least this time they had each other.

“C’mon. It’s going to be a pain to get to the dock without anyone noticing you’re gone,” Rey said, taking his hand in her own before leading him out of the containment area. They made their way through the hallways of the floating city which seemed almost endlessly long, before finally reaching the turbolift that would take them to the western skipdock. Every moment they spent in transit was an opportunity for someone to see them and take Ben back to his cell, or worse.

Rey tapped her foot as they waited for the lift to arrive and Ben held her hand tight while trying to think of ways to distract her from worrying.

_Another turbolift ride together..._ Ben thought while he remembered all that had happened between them on Snoke’s ship.

Rey gave him a look. _Well, I don’t have any intention of handing you over to the New Republic, if that’s what you’re getting at._

_It’s not. I couldn’t believe that you were there on the Supremacy. There was no way to hide you from Snoke, but I knew... The moment your pod set down in the ship, I knew he was dead._

Rey’s hand squeezed his tight. “I knew the same, just like I knew we’d be together. I was only a little off on the timeline.”

“Yeah, so was I,” Ben agreed.

They’d somehow managed to be right and wrong... about everything and Ben wondered whether they’d have the chance to make good on the future they’d been shown.

Far too soon, they arrived at the right level. The lower levels of Cloud City were grimy, dirty, and often a haven for smugglers, mercenaries, and Force knew what else—which was perfect for Ben and Rey. No one met their eyes as they trudged along, weaving through aliens and humanoids as Rey led them towards the skipdock.

“You know your way around pretty well,” Ben commented as they split apart to avoid being run over by a mobile vendor.

“Lando insisted on giving me a tour of the city the first time I came here and, besides, I’m good at finding my way through cavernous places. You know, it’s a good thing you insisted on wearing that mask for so long,” Rey continued while pointedly looking around. “At least only half of the galaxy knows what you look like, and thankfully most people don’t know that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are the same person.”

“If that gets out, Rey....”

“Then we’ll deal with it. One step at a time,” she assured him.

Ben wondered where she got her optimism from because he certainly didn't share it. His stomach turned as he thought about all the danger he was about to bring down on her and everyone else. This was all his fault and only he could stop things from getting worse. He couldn’t change the past, but if he could make a sacrifice that would save her future...

“Rey, I... we need to stop. This isn’t going to work,” Ben started to say, earning him a glare as they rounded a corner and entered the expansive skipdock. Luxury ships were docked throughout, but Rey seemed to know exactly where she wanted to go.

“I don’t know what the kriff you’re going on about, but we’re going to be fine. This is Lando’s city, as much as the New Republic wishes it were otherwise.”

But Ben knew better. _This is a fool’s errand, Rey. You know it. I know it. They’re never going to stop looking for me._

“Remember that I have a plan. Finn, and Rose... We’re going to keep this whole mess from getting worse,” she assured him, but he wasn’t going to make anyone else suffer for his sins any longer.

If he gave himself up, Rey could get away from here—find his Knights, save the galaxy. All it would take was just one step in the right direction and he was long overdue in that regard.

“Rey, I have a lot to atone for and I’m not going to make my mother more of an enemy to the New Republic than she already is.”

“So, you’re just going to give yourself over to Hux?” she said slowly as if she couldn’t believe what he was trying to do.

_Please understand me, Rey. I have faith that things will turn out alright... somehow, but I can’t make you suffer for my sins. I need to make this right._

“And you’re under the impression that I wouldn’t be suffering if you’re executed by Hux?”

“It won’t come to that,” Ben assured her.

“It almost did! He nearly killed you on the Supremacy. Your Knights nearly died to bring you here! Are you just going to ignore the sacrifices they made to save you?”

She wasn’t sad, she was angry. That was so like her and something he respected about her character. Sadness had its place, but anger was more versatile and would help her get through what was yet to come, even if it wasn’t really an emotion that was befitting for a Jedi. But they’d always been so similar to each other in that regard.

“I can’t let anyone else be responsible for my mistakes and leaving Hux alive is my mistake and mine alone.”

“And I assume I can’t change your mind about this?” she asked as her mood seemed to shift, transitioning from anger to something like acceptance.

_Good. This is the way it needs to be..._ Ben thought, even though his gut twisted as he realized this would be the last time he’d ever be with her.

“Nothing in the galaxy can change the way this needs to be, not even you, Rey,” he assured her. Maybe they wouldn’t have their happy ending in this life, but Ben was certain that somehow, someway, they would get the ending they deserved.

And if he had to give his life to save Rey’s... to save his mother’s... it would be worth it. His sacrifice would give his Knights enough time to relay the information they’d discovered back to his mother and then Rey and her friends could do some real damage to the First Order—from the inside out.

Rey pulled herself up straight, her face blank as she said finally, “If this is the way it has to be, then this is the way it has to be.”

_Good. This will make it easier. It was never going to be you,_ he thought to himself. _That you got even a moment of her time makes it all worth it. You were never worthy of her love._

Rey’s expression was determined. She had her loyalties and Ben understood. What was one more person in the long line of betrayals and disappointments that had haunted her life? This was all his fault, anyway, and he needed to make things right.

“One more, for the memories,” Rey said while opening her arms.

He’d give himself this one moment and indulge her. He’d sacrifice his very life itself to make her happy, hadn’t he always thought that? Well, now was his chance. Ben stepped close as her arms reached up to wrap around his neck. As her lips pressed against his, something cold and metallic pressed into his neck.

An injector pen clicked and released a needle into his flesh as she held him tight with her arms and her power.

_What the hell, Rey...?_

_You are such an idiot Ben Solo._

“Rey...,” Ben slurred, body heavy and lethargic as the drugs pulsed through his veins.

Rey helped guide him as he stumbled, hands reaching out while Ben tried to keep from falling on his face.

“Easy now, Ben. Just let the sedative do its job,” Rey explained, though her voice sounded as if it was coming out from underneath a stack of blankets.

_Why_ _Rey? I need to... Just let me do this._

_Let’s get you out of here. I’m pretty sure Lando is waiting on the ship._

_But Rey... Why?_

_Your mother told me that you might try this. As if the New Republic would be able to make things better by giving you to Hux. We’re going to get you out of here. Though, you really should guard your thoughts better around your mother, Ben. Maker knows what else you let slip through._

_But..._

_But fucking nothing. I told you that I have a plan. Trust me. Trust your mother. Trust your Knights. Trust us all. We’re going to make it through this. It’s alright. This is not our last goodbye; this is the beginning._

* * *

 

_AN~HI!_ (HIDING).

So, after some inter-fandom bullshit, health and other issues, and then just general fandom burnout, I managed to get a bunch of shit done on this. I’m so sorry it took so long as it absolutely wasn’t my intention at all. So thank you for reading (especially if you’re _still_ reading) and if you’re new, welcome <3 Considering the strange shit show that Tumblr has become, I’ve also gotten on the Twitter thing for fandom [@pacificwandere1](https://twitter.com/pacificwandere1) (SOME ASSHOLE ALREADY HAS @PACIFICWANDERER; ok, I’m sure they’re nice, but I still hate them). It’s easier to chat over there, so if you’re on Twitter or if you’d like to reach me in a more immediate way, I’m often on Twitter and, as ever, my inbox on Tumblr is still open (send me nice things lol I’ve gotten so much garbo lately—which is immediately deleted). Anyways. I’m alive, painfully, but I’m working on it. Thank you thank you thank you for reading <3

Scavenging, and outposts, and Mustafar! OH MY. Let's give these kids their happy ending. Any mistakes are my own <3 Thanks for being you!

“The way forward is sometimes the way back” is a quote from the GOAT, Labyrinth.  


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